Archive | July 2015

My first Toy

I may have started me time early in life, but I never had a toy.  I had a sex toy party in the fall of 2010.  I purchased Platinum Pete.  My boyfriend at the time, Barry, was not thrilled about my purchase.  He felt threatened by it.  I was told to not open the box and leave it under my bed.

I broke up with Barry in late spring 2011.  Two days later, I opened that box under my bed.  I was definitely missing out on extracurricular activities.  Three days later, I had an old flame come over the house to cheer me up.  Colt and I had been an on and off again relationship.  Colt was more than happy to use Platinum Pete on me as foreplay.  He was always up for anything, anywhere, anytime.  I loved that about him.

I started using Platinum Pete in May.  My girl friends always knew why I was running late if I said, “I ended up taking a longer shower then expected.”  Waterproof toys make a huge difference.  The only place you can get privacy with a locked door is the bathroom when you have a loft.  It was the week of my birthday in December.  I was havingme time in the shower.  The worst possible thing happened before I could finish.  Platinum Pete died.  He made the saddest noise.  I clearly wore him the fuck out.  Ha.

Every woman should own a B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend)

R.I.P.  Platinum Pete May 2011-Dec 2011

I Hear You Knocking on the Back Door

I am sure most of us have experienced the back door in one way or another.  I believe this is a black and white subject.  You either like it or you don’t.  There is no wiggle room, literally.  Ha.

I have tried it a few times.  There was Cameron and Jase.  Cameron was even my first shocker.  Ha.  I remember that moment in detail.  I was visiting him at college.  We were fooling around in the morning.  Next thing I knew, his finger was in my back door.  The thoughts running through my mind were, “What?! What the? What is that?!”  I know my face looked shocked.  Whoever coined the term shocker must have experienced it first.  Another time we were together, he wanted to try the back door.  I am the type of person to try it.  It was not horrible, but it was not good.  We did not use lubrication.  That was a huge fail.

I was dating Jase for a while.  He wanted to try the back door.  I was very apprehensive.  It was not because of how my first experience went with it.  It was because he was hung like a horse.  No, I am not exaggerating in the least bit.  I reluctantly tried it with him.  We did not go past the tip.  I think I may have screamed in horror.  It was thee worst pain.  Not to mention, it made me feel like I was going to shit myself.

Entourage had an episode on the back door with Eric and Sloan.  It truly is not for everyone.  No judgment for those who like to give and receive it.  It is not for me; however, I do try it if my boyfriend would like to do it.  It requires two bottles of wine and Imodium.  Otherwise, do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.  Keep it moving.

The Power of the V card

Women truly do have a slight power advantage over men.  We withhold sex when we are mad or trying to prove a point.  We also may keep the lid on our cookie jar to see if the man is worthy of tasting our cookie.  The men are always hoping to get their hand in the cookie jar.  They never know if they will succeed or not with the task.  At the end of the day, it is a game surrounding the cookie jar.

A long time ago, my four girl friends and I took a road trip to a different college for the night.  We were staying at my one guy friends place.  This guy friend and I had an on and off again ordeal since I was sixteen years old.  All of us headed out to the bars.  It was a fun evening.  I wondered where Cameron went since we were staying with him.  I found him dancing all over some broad.  My girl friends suggested we go to another bar.  That was fine with me, but I had to do something before we left.  I was drinking a vodka and cranberry.  He was wearing a white button up shirt.  I walked over to Cameron and tapped him on the shoulder.  He turned to face me.  I dumped my drink over his head and tossed the cup at him.  I turned around and walked out with my girl friends.  They were dying.  They were then concerned with where we would stay.  I assured them that we would still be staying at Cameron’s.  After the night was over, we were back at Cameron’s.  They all figured he would be fuming with me.  They forgot I had my V card.  The girls and I were relaxing in the living room.  Cameron came out and asked if I was coming to bed with him.  Their mouths dropped.  He knew he was in the wrong or he knew he wanted to get laid. Ha.  Either way you think about it, Cameron had to suck it up if he wanted in my cookie jar.

Several months ago, I had met Jaxon.  He definitely rocked my socks off three times.  You are probably thinking we had sex.  You are wrong.  It was only his hand in my cookie jar.  I knew if he could do that with just his hand that I was in for a treat.  We talked for a few weeks.  I lived in Chicago and he lived in Florida.  It was never going to be anything more than a fling.  I did not know I would end up living in Florida.  I was excited because it meant I had a guy there already to have fun with in a new state.  I found out he had met someone else.  One night, we had an after party at Jaxon’s place.  He wanted to explain himself about this other broad and how he was sorry.  It was my birthday, so I had quite a bit to drink.  I also wanted birthday sex.  I was irritated.  Jaxon knew my irritation was at him.  I ended up hitting him really hard in the balls.  I do not remember if I kicked him with my foot or if I hit him with my hand.  He dropped to his knees holding himself.  I found it hilarious.  You would think he would be furious with me.  This story ended with us in his bathroom.  It was hot and rough.  You know it is great sex when the guy is choking you, you lose air supply, and beg for more.  I got my birthday sex.cookie

I feel like most men will put up with a lot just to get that cookie jar in the end.  I am sure there is a line that you should not cross, but it seems there is a lot of wiggle room.  It is funny how powerful the V card can be in life.  Some ladies forget how much power they have over a man.  Ladies hold that V card up high and remember you have the cookie jar.

Baby Talk? Save it for a baby

Who are these people who actually enjoy baby talk in an adult relationship?  Please let me know what it is about it that gets you turned on.  I do not get it.  Baby talk should be strictly for babies and pets.  Even in those two situations it should be limited.  You do not want to over do it.  My Miss Lucy would be laughing at a man’s dick for trying baby talk with me.

I had an ex boyfriend named Barry.  He loved to talk to me in baby voice.  He even went as far as to try to baby talk me about going to the bathroom.  Let me get this clear, no matter what kind of talk you try, discussing what you did in the bathroom is not cute or sexy.  I do not want to know what you did in the bathroom.  I do not want you knowing what I did in the bathroom.  It was such a weird situation.  I should have run for the hills.

We would be having sex and he’d talk dirty in baby talk.  There is nothing dirty or sexual about hearing a man say, “Do you wove my big dwick in you?”  It makes me cringe to even type it.  I know Sex and the City even had an episode on this subject.  Samantha wore the fake nipples and got a man who baby talked during sex.  You do not want a man baby in bed.  You want a man who will throw you down, grunt and tell you how to take it in the dirtiest way!

 

Young or Old.. They can both be Restless

It is socially acceptable for a man to date a younger woman.  However, a woman dating a younger man gets a lot more attention and whispers.  Does age really matter?  No, it should not matter.  Does it affect anyone else besides the two people in the relationship?  No.  Is there a law that states what gender can date a certain age of their significant other?  No.  Where is that memo?  I must have missed it.

I have had guy friends in their late 30’s date ladies in their younger 20’s.  I have many girl friends who will only date a certain age range older than them.  I have some friends who date people younger than 21 years old.  I have a rule for myself on that topic.  They must be at least 21 years old to ride this ride.  That is my own personal opinion for my ride.  No judgment.

My ex boyfriend was seven years younger than me.  Lord, let me tell you, the amount of buzzing I heard in my ear and he heard in his from all the nosey ass bees around the hive.  I wish I collected money from everyone who shared their two cents or better yet told them where to shove it.  The majority of it was about me being thirty.  Thirty year old woman should be married or vying for the man of their dreams.  I mean good god in heaven what do you mean she doesn’t want to get married?!  I found it amusing how people reacted to a 30-year-old not racing for the altar.  I was not dating Peter thinking he was “the one.”  I was dating him because I was having fun.  Lezbehonest, the stamina of man in his younger 20’s was like getting to open a Tiffany’s box with a white ribbon every day.  I would be lying if I did not say that was a big part of why I wanted to claim him as my boyfriend.  Peter was definitely hung.  I mean he hung up my curtains well.  Ha.

I will take credit for teaching him some tricks.  Puppies can be trained unlike old dogs.  We had a lot of fun in the sex department.  Public places were always a good time.  The one time we were staying at my parents place in Florida which was a 55 and over community.  We decided to use the screened in patio as a fun romp.  I was hoping to give someone a heart attack.  I am kidding.  Maybe.  There was another time we christened his new truck.  I felt like I was back in high school.  I loved every minute of it.  I will admit I may have fallen for Peter.  That sometimes happens when you get dickmatized.  I know I was in that trance.  I am willing to bet every woman has been dickmatized at least one time in their life.  Men can also get lost in Wonderland as they go deep down the rabbit hole.  Men love those tight, deep, dark, wet holes in Wonderland.

There is no reason that an older woman cannot date a younger man.  There is no age limit for a sexual appetite.  If you can snag a young one, more power to you.  Do not let society tell you who you can date.  We all deserve a good, healthy sex life.  Young or old, we can all be an energizer bunny.  Get in where you fit in.

How did the fairy tale end?  Peter and I only dated less than a year.  It was fun playing in Never Never Land for a short time with him.

O.M.G. Facebook Official

Who started the trend on the emphasis for relationships on Facebook?

Do people really believe marking their territory on social media will help solidify their relationship?  Lezbehonest,  I doubt a Facebook official life event will help the cause if a ring and a marriage license does not deter people from straying.  Some people really believe if it is not on Facebook then it did not happen or it is not real.  No matter how many times you tag a person or upload pictures of you two together on social media will actually help your relationship in the long run.  There are people who do not care if someone has a boyfriend or a girlfriend.  They see something they want and will go after it.  There are also those people who have strong connections with someone and will end up cheating on their significant other.  It is really hard to fight chemistry connections.  It is also hard to teach an old dog new tricks.  The saying still holds some truth, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”  Facebook will fail every time.

kermit annivI do enjoy watching people attempt to piss on their significant others on social media.  Everyone knows they are just a dog trying to mark their territory.  They want to make sure everyone knows their significant other is taken.  It truly is a joke.  I feel bad for these sad social media souls.  They want to brag about their amazing significant other.  They tend to forget that due to social media everyone knows their significant other has had three other girlfriends/boyfriends in a matter of eight months.  How special are you in that statistic?  Or do you only care about how many likes you can get?

The other fun aspect of Facebook for these people is broadcasting every detail of their relationship.  One day, I love him.  The next day, I hate him.  People are so excited for someone getting engaged or married.  They say it has been a long time coming for the couple.  Did everyone forget the ten break ups?  Or the cheating that occurred multiple times?  Or them dating other people for a year?  Or putting them on blast on social media?  Some people do pay attention to what is posted on social media.  They are not jealous of your significant other.  They are laughing at the clown car and circus you put on for show.

 

kermit

One and Done

Has anyone ever had someone “hit it and quit it?”

I went 31 years before it happened to me.  I met a guy at a beach concert. I typically would have paid him no attention and walked away from him.  I had just gotten groped by a random in my bikini and was ready to punch any male that approached me.  He bought my guy friends a round of drinks and shots.  Bill even asked my guy friends permission to dance with me.  Bill went as far as telling me, “I don’t want you to think I am taking advantage of you since you are drinking.”  He would kiss me on the cheek or forehead instead of on my lips.  I gave him my number and we went our separate ways.  I will give it to him he buttered me up good.  Three weeks of phone calls which is rare these days along with text messages.  Bill making plans for us to go out.  I actually really liked him at this point.  I finally gave into having sex with him.  I was on a three-month hiatus of no sex.  I was hoping for something amazing.  His zebra print boxer booty briefs should have been a red flag.  Bill did not attempt foreplay with me besides compliment my nipples and ass.  I was kind and did a job for him.  We have sex and it maybe lasted ten minutes.  I am being generous.  It was the first time we slept together which is not always the greatest one.  I tried not to dwell on it.

Bill continues to text me.  Two days later, I am unfriended on Facebook.  I am confused and slightly pissed off at him.  I send a few text messages.  He ignores and asks me which one of my friends wants to fight him.  Bill proceeds to tell me how he’ll beat him up.

I am confused at why someone would put so much time and effort into a person if they only planned to one and done them.  I value my time and effort.  I would not waste my time on pursuing someone for only one time with them.  I was hurt because I liked him.  I was more angry at myself though.  How did I let Bill get one past me with his bullshit?  He was just a douche that fooled me.

I got the last laugh though twice.  He called me saying, “Hey what’s up? I lost all the names to my numbers in my phone. Who is this?”  I thought this was a joke.  He proceeds to tell me to give him hints.  On the third hint, I said, “I haven’t seen you since you came over on your lunch hour one Friday afternoon.”  He goes, “Oh my god!  You hate me!”  I am full on laughing at this point.  We had a hilarious, awkward, weird conversation for two minutes.  I was loving that for those two minutes he felt like a complete asshole.  The last laugh was a couple of weeks ago.  I ran into him for the first time in two months.  He gave me a weird, awkward, high-five/hand shake thing and kept walking past me.  I ordered him a shot of Patron and Grand Marnier together.  I asked the bartender to give it to him and say it was on the house.  His face looked like he wanted to die or throw up after taking the shot.

The moral of the story… his looks were not worth his notch on my bed post.