Bad in Bed

It takes experience to be good in bed.  Most people also need to be comfortable with the person they are with in bed or out of bed.  Ha.  There are some people in this world who have great looks, but they have bad moves in bed.  It is almost as if because they are good-looking they do not have to be good in bed.  I am sure every guy has slept with a starfish once or twice in their life.  Starfishes are the broads who lay on their back and spread their arms and legs a part waiting for the guy to do all the work.  There are guys who act like a jack hammer or who have a problem keeping the wind in their sails.  All of these people should be exiled to an island or forced to go to a sex workshop.


There was my buddy’s younger brother, Jared, who was a very attractive young stud.  I made the mistake of inviting him over my place one night.  He had a very large package in his pants to go with his good looks.  That is where all the good stopped though.  He was 21 years old.  I should have known he was too young to know how to work his big eggplant in bed.  I felt as if I was in the ‘Sex and the City’ episode of Carrie and the jack rabbit.  I should have been concrete that he was jack hammering to pieces.  I felt like I was having a seizure.  The difference between Carrie and I was I told him to stop.  I told him it did not jackrabbitfeel good at all.  He asked if he could bend me over.  I replied, “Hell no!”  I thought one position of torture was enough for the evening.  He was looking like a lost puppy with his red rocket hanging out.  Jared hinted at wanting his eggplant sucked, so he could get his happy ending.  The problem with that was I do not like the taste of rubber in my mouth.  He asked what he was supposed to do with his hardened dick.  I told him to handle it himself.  I was kind to him and allowed him to stay.  I was rolling over and going to bed.  This story is how I ended up sleeping with my ex boyfriend Peter.  I told him young guys were not good in bed.  He proved me wrong as I mentioned in a previous post.  All those years of wrestling helped him know how to move his hips and pin broads down.

I met this attractive guy named Logan.  He had long hair, muscles, tattoos, and a beard.  Who wouldn’t swoon over him, right?  We had a mutual attraction.  It would be a few months before we would get the opportunity to sleep together.  Unfortunately, the attraction for Logan started to fade before that opportunity would present itself.  He seemed to have his tongue out at any person who walked by and petted him.  His red rocket was permanently out.  The night came that he stayed over my place.  I had a feeling he would not be able to get any wind in his sails that evening. I also was not as attracted to him as I was when I first met him.  I did not pursue anything in bed.  He tried to get the sails up, but it was more like silly putty.  He was pretty frustrated.  I told him it was fine and to go to bed.  Logan asked if he could sleep with a condom on, so he could have sex with me as soon as he woke up.  I tried to hold back my laughter when I realized he was being serious.  I wanted to say, “Shh.. it’s okay, you’re still pretty.”  We did not end up having sex.  We did become better as friends.

I already mentioned in a previous post how my ex boyfriends Gary and Barry lacked in the bedroom.  Gary had a generic hot dog.  I doubt even Joey Chestnut would want to eat Gary’s hot dog.  Sex with him was like eating a plain, unsalted rice cake. samanthabigIt desperately needed peanut butter.  Barry had girth, but he did not know what to do with it.  No rhythm and no spices are not recipes for a great sex life.  It is not always about the size of the boat, but a guy needs to know how to steer and rock with the waves.

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