I was a junior in high school when my dad had enough of boys in the upstairs of our house. I had people over twice one weekend. For once, there was no sex going on in the upstairs by anyone. We were hanging out and drinking upstairs. The last night I had my buddies over. It was Alex, Matt, and Mike. We were drinking and bullshitting. They left my house a little after midnight. I went back upstairs to my bedroom. I went to close my door and saw that I could not do that. My doorknob was gone. I looked on the floor for it. I was completely confused. How do you lose a doorknob? I did not lose it. I found out that Alex stole my doorknob. That brings up the next question. Who steals a doorknob? Did he watch ‘Bedknobs and Broomsticks’ one too many times? Did he think it was magical? Or was he that drunk that he thought it was a great thing to take as a souvenir? This situation is what made it funnier when my friend Tiffany had her weird sexual experience with him. I talked about it in ‘Funny but Bad Luck.’
My dad was helping clean the house. He was cleaning in my room. He found a beer bottle in my valence, a sealed condom, and saw my doorknob was gone. My dad was less than thrilled to say the least. It also did not look very good. That evidence was hard to dispute. I tried to tell him that no one was having sex. I am sure it fell out of one of the guys pockets. I said at least my guy friends practice safe sex. He did not find the humor in my attempt to explain what he found. Unfortunately, I did not have a good explanation for why Alex took my doorknob. My dad made a rule that boys were no longer allowed in the upstairs.