Archive | September 2015

Fetishes

Fetishes can be fun, freaky or creepy.  There are some things I know I could never do with someone.  A Tahitian face mask or a hot Carl are a couple of things I could never and would never want to do.  Snowballing is another act that makes me want to dry heave let alone eating someone’s truffle butter.  That is a whole other level of fucked up for me.

My one girlfriend, Maxine, was dating this guy for a little while.  She really liked him.  He seemed like good people.  Her and I were out at a bar one night.  She told me that her boyfriend asked her to do something sexual to him that she thought was weird.  I was intrigued.  Maxine told me her boyfriend asked her to give him a foot job.  I looked at her with that “What the fuck” face.  I asked if she literally meant jerking him off with her feet instead of her hands.  She nodded.  She said she felt awkward and uncomfortable.  I mean lezbehonest that is not a normal position to have your legs and feet in while doing a job.download

Again, no judgment.  However, I hate feet.  Feet freak me out.  I do not want to use my feet on some dude’s dick.  That sends chills down me.  So many levels of just ‘No.’  The thought of some dude getting his jollies off to my feet makes me sick.  Tell those Rex Ryan’s of America to keep the piss away from your feet.

Don’t Drink and Groupon

We are all guilty of doing or buying things when we are intoxicated.  There are a lot of actions we would not do sober.  There are even more words we would not say when we are of sober mind.  Did we need to buy five rounds of shots for our friends?  The answer is probably not at that point.  Should we have went home with Jimbob after the bar?  No.  Should we have ditched all of our friends?  No.  The only thing you should take home after a night of drinking is pizza.  I learned that from my buddy, Ethan.  He said you do not wake up with regret and you have something to eat the next afternoon.

My one girlfriend, Roxana, was at home and enjoying a few or more glasses of wine.  She jumped on Groupon and was perusing all of the deals going on that evening.  She stumbled upon something that peaked her interest.  It was called the ‘Real Feel Deluxe.’  It was a dildo and it was a biggen.  Roxana is a single woman with a healthy sex drive.  Dildo on discount?  Sold.  She bought the 9″ wall banger.  She was very excited about her purchase!

Roxana received a very large box in the mail several days later.  She had no clue what could be in it.  She did not think the dildo would need to come in a huge box.  (that’s what she said, literally)  HaHa.  Roxana opened the box and to her surprise it was the dildo she ordered off of Groupon.  However, she got the 11″ instead of the 9″.  Hiiiiii Ohhhh.  She took it out of the box.  It was huge not only length wise but also girth.  Roxana took this as a challenge.  She put her best foot forward or should I say her feet apart.  She was laying on her bed on her back to give this ‘Real Feel Deluxe’ a run for its money.  Unfortunately, she only could get the tip in before feeling like she had to shit from the pressure of the large dildo inside of her.  She did what any broad would do next.  She said, “Fuck that!”

imageI support sex toys.  Single or in a relationship.  They make the world a happier place.  B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend) helps prevent pregnancies and STDs.  It is the safest kind of D out there.  However, I do not suggest drinking and buying dildos or vibrators.  You may end up with more than your Miss Lucy can break off.  She isn’t the black hole.  Well, maybe some of you ladies have a black hole.  No judgment.  Get in where you fit in.

Eat the Booty like Groceries

I have personally never licked or ate someone’s asshole.  Some people love to have it done and some people love to do it.  I am neither of those.  However, I would consider it if it was with someone I was seriously dating that wanted it done and I watched them get in the shower to wash their ass clean.  That is an exception my rule of ‘Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200, Do Not Enter Backdoor.’  

One of my good buddy’s from Beta, Jack, just reminded me about a friend of mine from way back in the day.  Olivia was a thicker broad with a big rack.  She did have one lazy eye.  You never knew where it was looking.  Anyways, she was very image1much into eating ass.  I brought her to one of the Beta house parties.  I told some of the guys about her fetish.  They could decide who was down with Charlie Brown.  Another friend, Benjamin, took an interest in her.  He apparently did not get the memo the other guys did about her love for the tossed salad.  Jack asked Benjamin if he made out with Olivia.  Benjamin was all pumped about it and told him yes he did.  Jack busted out laughing.  Benjamin was clueless as to what was so hilarious about him making out with a broad.  Jack told Benjamin how Olivia loves getting down with guys brown eyes.  I was dying when I heard what happened.  Benjamin did not speak to Jack for a couple of weeks.  He was really pissed off Jack let him make out with a broad that licked other guys assholes.  

Our other friend, Carter, found out about my friend Olivia and requested her presence at the next party.  He took full advantage of knowing her specialty with tossing salads.  I saw him a few nights later at the fraternity house and he shouted something along the lines of thanking me for my friend eating his ass accompanied with a high-five.  

Ain’t no shame in the brown eye game for some people.  Different strokes for different folks.  No judgment.  However, do not expect everyone to be down with Charlie Brown.

It’s All in the Kiss

badkiss badtongueA family friend always told me to remember, “It’s all in the kiss.  If you don’t get a good kiss, you ain’t getting a good dick.”

That saying proves to be true time and time again.  I even found out from guy friends that they feel the same way about a bad kisser.  My one buddy, Noah, told me he was making out with this gorgeous broad.  He said she was a terrible kisser which was such a turn off for him.  If she hadn’t been unbelievably hot, he would not have had sex with her.  Noah said he never hooked up with her again.  Guys are turned off just as much as broads by a bad kiss.

There are kisses in movies that you get hot and bothered from watching it.  There are those kisses that are so bad in movies that you feel awkward for them.  Some people may prefer soft lip kisses.  Other people may prefer hard, long kisses.  A lot of people may enjoy a combination of different kinds of kisses.  However, not many people like the bird pecks, the Hoover maneuver vacuum cleaner, or the water hose wet face.

The problem with a bad kiss is that it does not get you turned on to go any further with that person.  If a person is not good with their tongue, they probably are not good with any rhythm in their hips.  Who wants to waste a notch on their belt on bad sex?  Nobody.  You have to wonder if these bad kisser’s really do not realize how horrible they are at kissing.  This may go in the same category as guys who do not know about women’s orgasms due to women faking it.  Maybe no one told these people they are bad at it.  Or maybe the person was not worth telling they were bad at it because you were not that invested in them.  A bad kisser is a deal breaker.

I had a guy recently who was like a water hose bad kisser.  The entire face area around my lips was soaked and slobbered on.  I was not into the moment at all.  I kept thinking this is terrible.  The problem was it got worse.  I did not feel anything “hard.”  Typically, a broad would feel something hard poking her in the ass, back, or leg.  I felt nothing.  I refused to reach down and confirm my suspicions.  I was already thinking it was small and soft.  He was a good-looking, muscular guy.  Despite his looks he was a bad kisser with nothing downstairs to offer a broad.  I rolled over and went to sleep.

Do not waste your time.  It is unfortunate to find out, but it is better to find out before you had sex with him.  It saves that notch for someone else.  If you need reminded on how bad a kiss can be for someone, watch this clip from the ‘Sex and the City’ episode.  Bad Kisser