Hot Mess Express

Do not lie to yourself and say you have never been a hot mess.  Everyone has had probably more than one night they thought they could party like a rock star.  It happened to me a lot in my younger twenties.  I threw back shots like they were going out of style.  It was always a good time though.

One of those times, I was down with friends visiting Cameron at his college.  We were getting into bars since we were 18 years old.  My girlfriends and I split from Cameron and his friends.  We wanted to go to a different bar.  It was never a big deal since we all would end up back at the house together.  The girls and I made friends with one of the bar managers.  We did an absurd amount of shots.  I do not know how I could walk let alone do a cart-wheel on the sidewalk as we were walking home.  Granted, I did fall on my ass and my tube top came down.  I sat there laughing so hard at myself.  My girls came over to pick me up.  Katie told me to put my boobs away as she pulled my top back up over my chest.  My memory is a little hazy from that point.  I remember being up in Cameron’s room in bed with him fooling around.  He went to do something and I told him to stop.  I said, “Cameron, I still have my tampon in!”  He told me to go to the bathroom and take it out.  I said to him, “I am too drunk.  I can’t get up.”  I was a hot mess.  He stepped up and took one for the team.  Cameron reached down and pulled my tampon out.  He then threw it into a shopping bag.  We went at it like business as usual after that situation.

I am sure Cameron really wanted to get laid that night.  We all have done things that are not desirable in life.  My one girlfriend was so drunk and needed to puke, but she could not make herself puke.  I stuck my fingers down her throat to make her puke.  It is not something you do for random people.  We all have over indulged and threw out the word moderation.  Sometimes we get lucky enough in life to have friends step up and be true friends when we are riding the hot mess express.

Don’t Forget to Smell the Roses

Most broads love to get flowers.  They eat that shit up.  Their significant other could have picked up flowers at the store or ordered flowers to be delivered.  The guy could have even plucked it out of a garden.  Majority of the time it is usually roses.  I hate roses.  They are very generic and thoughtless to me.  Orchids or dolorodell peony flowers are unique.

In the summer of 2010, Barry and I were not in a good place in our relationship.  I was questioning if I should stay in the relationship.  I was at work when a dozen hot pink roses were delivered to me.  Hot pink was my favorite color.  It caught me off guard.  The card said something along the lines of our relationship was worth it.  I was dumb and smelled the roses.  I completely forgot about how I was truly feeling about the situation.  I thought maybe it was a sign.  The problem is I read the sign wrong.

A few weeks later the shit hit the fan.  I found a naked pictures from his ex-girlfriend, Ash.  I also found naked pictures of my girlfriend, Heather.  His buddy, Burt, was dating my friend Heather.  Apparently, those guys thought it appropriate to share naked pictures of their girlfriends with one another.  The night Ash sent him these pictures was the night before he sent me rosethe roses to work.  He did not feel too guilty about receiving the pictures since he did not delete them.  Barry thought roses would absolve his guilt.  Guilty flowers are thee worst.

The best part was I stayed with him for another almost ten months.  I was a dumb broad.  I hate roses, but I was obsessed that he got me my favorite color.  I wish I would have cut ties sooner.  It shows how easily broads are snowed over.  I should have shoved the thorny stems up his ass to rip him a new asshole.

Girl Code

Men and women both have a code with their friends when it comes to the opposite sex.  It is kind of like calling “shotgun” in a car.  Whoever sees the person first calls dibs and makes it known they are interested in that person.  That way there is no fighting over someone with your friend.  That would be ridiculous.  If the guy is not into you, you bow out and let your friend have a chance at them.  It would be the fairest way to play the game ofwho gets the dick at the end of the night.  

It was in the summer of 2008 before I met Drew that I met Liam.  Liam was friends with my friend, Jessica’s boyfriend.  He was in town for the night from Ohio.  I was at Jessica’s apartment when he got there.  I thought I died and went to heaven.  He was a tall drink of water.  Liam was tan, tall with broad shoulders, muscular arms, and a gorgeous smile.  I am sure he made me wet just from staring at him.  I told Jessica I was going after Liam.  Our other friend, Evie, finally got to the apartment.  She was always late.  She immediately started asking questions about Liam.  Jessica told her I already called him since I was there first.  Evie was pissed to say the least.  There are perks to being on time.  Snooze ya lose.

We were all ready for a night out in Southside at the club.  Liam was feeling me as much as I was feeling him.  He would come up from behind me and start dancing with me.  He was making an effort to have a conversation which is hard to do in a club.  I went to the bathroom and when I came back Evie was flirting with him.  However, I noticed her giving me dirty looks and then whispering in his ear.  I thought I was making this stuff up in my head.  Liam came over to me and asked if I had a boyfriend.  I told him no.  He told me that Evie told him I did.  Oh hell no!  That bitch went rogue.  I was so disappointed in her.  She literally was talking so much shit on me to Liam.  She was treating me like a random bitch at the bar that she was competing with for a guy.  I told Liam I was going downstairs to dance to get away from the nonsense.  He ended up following me down which pissed her off.  I refused to play into her game or let her ruin my evening.

We left the bar and went back to Jessica’s to grab our stuff.  Jessica’s boyfriend decided to have the after party at his place. There was six of us all together.  Everyone changed into their sleep clothes.  Evie magically lost her sleep shorts during the ten minute drive from Jessica’s to her boyfriend’s house.  She was walking around in a thong and over-sized T-shirt.  Classy move.  Everyone was sitting around the table drinking and Liam offered me to sit on his lap.  Evie scoffed and rolled her eyes.  I was getting so sick of the charade she was putting on in front of everyone.  I decided I was going upstairs to watch ‘Dirty Dancing’ while I drank my beer.  I went into the bathroom and when I came out Liam was standing there.  He told me he was sorry.  It was not even his fault.  Evie was just being a horrid cunt.  Her true colors were showing that evening.  He leaned down to kiss me.  He had one hand on the side of my face with the other one on my lower back.  I became putty in his hands.  My knees went weak.  Liam’s kiss set me on fire inside.  I jumped up and wrapped my legs around him.  He was holding me in the air and pushed my back up against the wall.  I could definitely feel how much I turned him on.  Unfortunately, I heard someone on the stairs.  Liam put me down on the floor.  I saw Evie running down the stairs.  I then heard her tell everyone that she just saw me on my knees sucking Liam’s dick.  Oh hell fucking no bitch!  I had enough!  I stormed downstairs and ripped her a new asshole in front of everyone.  I pointed out how disappointing it was to see a friend act like a child cunt over a guy.  She started crying.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.  I went back upstairs and laid down on the futon.  Liam came upstairs and laid down with me.  We were not laying there for long.  One thing led to another and we were both tearing each other’s clothes off.  He was well equipped.  Liam had the length and the girth going on for him.  Oh hey!  He made me forget all about Evie.  

The positive to this was I got some good dick twice from Liam.  The negative was finding out Evie was not a good, loyal friend.  However, I was happy to find that out, so I did not waste any more time or energy on that friendship.  Her actions that evening were a huge red flag.  No man or woman is worth losing a friend over in the long run.  Because at the end of the day your friends will be there standing with you when that man or woman is out of your life.  

Home Town Fun

No one likes to call it a night before anyone else in the evening.  In my thirties, I could careless if I am the first one to tap out in the night.  However, in my younger twenties, that was a completely different story.  You always thought you would miss out on something.  I have always been one to go with the flow of the evening.  I would ride it out wherever it took me.

It was the holidays in 2004.  I was at a bar in Greene County with my Beta buddy, Will, and his older brother.  We were drinking quite a bit.  There was a very handsome man ordering a drink right next to me.  He resembled my favorite frat boy, Ken.  I ended up talking to him.  Nolan was older than me.  He told me he was home for the holidays from Los Angeles.  He said he played Arena Football out there.  I tried to play it cool.  We joined our groups together at the bar and drank the night away.  I was not able to drive.  Nolan had the idea to grab beer and go back to the hotel to drink.  I went with the flow.  He was a gentleman to say the least.  We did not have sex.  We did do some heavy petting and kissing.  He cuddled me up tight through the night.  I was the first one up in the morning.  I was on cloud nine.  I thought it best to savor the feeling by leaving before it could turn awkward.

I found out later that Nolan was well-known in our home town area.  He was also twelve years older than me.  A couple of years later he retired from Arena Football and tried a run at politics.

A handful of years later, I was down in Greene County with my parents at their friends son’s graduation party.  Nolan was there.  He was good friends with them too.  I am not sure if he realized who I was or not.  We did have small talk.  I did not want to make it awkward for everyone.  I had a good laugh to myself.  It is always a small world.

Nolan was actually inducted into the Arena Football Hall of Fame two years ago.  It would have made for a better story if he became a politician.  Ha.

The Face

Do a lot of people have a face that they make when they cum?  A lot of people joke about the “O” face.  I do not know if I have one or not.  There are only two people in my life who got me on that orgasmic roller coaster.  I guess I could indulge in me time faceand watch myself in a mirror to find out.  That would probably be awkward.  I would probably end up not finishing because I was focused on looking at my face.  Ha.

In summer of 2011 after I broke up with Barry, I met a guy named Finlay.  He was a taller, muscular, good-looking guy.  My father referred to him as “Good Time Finlay.”  I am pretty sure my dad knew why I was hanging out with him.  Oh hey.  If we were having sex and he was on top, I would try to avoid looking at his face when he was about to cum.  He made this ugly face that you would not think was from pleasure.  It was an exaggerated, frown, open mouth, kind of facial expression.  It was such a turn off.  It took everything in me to not hide my face or push him off of me.  Do you laugh or pretend it did not bother you?  All I knew was that it was not attractive at all.

images (1)faceI brought the face discussion up to him.  Finlay got defensive with me.  He immediately said mine was not much better.  I had a good chuckle at that comment.  He had never seen my “O” face.  He would have needed to make me cum to see that face.  Duh.  Finlay was a bit clueless in that department.  Most men seem to lack the knowledge of that.  Or maybe the wet hole is confusing for them.  His “O” face was one image over the years that I have not been able to “etch a sketch” out of my head.

You would think most men do not care about getting the broad off.  I have found just the opposite out.  When I tell men that I do not typically get off, they take that as a challenge.  They try to hold their nut off for as long as they could to try to get me mine.  It is a nice and appreciative thought, but nine times out of ten I end up saying, “Go ahead and bust!  I’m not going to reach mine.”  Ha.  I never know if that is taken as an insult or just brushed off their shoulder.  Hell, I never even masturbated in front of someone else until I was dating Peter.  There was a reason I deemed it “me time.”  It was for me.  I would like to think my “O” face is like one of the broad’s having girl on girl orgasms.  Okay, Okay, probably not that erotic.  Lets just hope it was better than Finlay’s face.  That shit was just plain awful and scary.  You gotta ease that ugly onto people.  You can’t just show it to em all at once.  That squirrel may never get a nut again.

Are You Sleeping?

Who has ever fallen asleep during sex?  I have.  It sounds horrible, doesn’t it?  In my defense, it was not my fault.  I was young when it happened to me.  It is usually due to someone being drunk or extremely tired.  Or it could be due to performance.  It happens to the best of us. 

I was only 18 years old.  Eli may have been a senior in college or he had just graduated.  He was a short, attractive, and muscular guy.  His looks are what appealed to me.  I met him through mutual college friends.  We started out as just friends that friendly flirted with each other.  After some time, we finally hung out one on one.  I went to his apartment to watch a movie.  We started kissing and rubbing around on each other on the couch.  He picked me up and took me back into his bedroom.  He looked amazing without a shirt on.  I wish I could say the same for when he took his pants and boxers off.  I was thinking it was the moment of he was a “grower not a shower.”  I couldn’t even tell he was inside of me.  I thought he was just using his thumb as foreplay.  I got lost in my thoughts and closed my eyes as if I would magically be out of this awkward sex experience.  Eli said to me, “Are you sleeping?”  Oh yeah, I definitely nodded off.  How do you rebound from that question?  Quick thinking.  I replied to him, “No, I am just shutting my eyes because it feels so good.”  He got a huge smile across his face.  Boy, he was gullible.  It was over shortly after that.  He offered me to stay the night.  I felt one round of torture was enough.  I kindly told him I had to get back home.  

People love to say it is not about the size of the boat that matters in bed.  However, you better have a boat that at least requires a small anchor and makes a decent wake in the water.  Because there is no broad that would be satisfied with a small dinghy that rocks her to sleep.  I pulled the fade on him.  I slowly stopped returning his messages.  Ironically enough, he was living with Gary in the apartment, who I would end up dating later on in life.  I should have steered clear of those college guys.  Eli messaged me years later on Facebook and asked me what happened way back then.  I still have not answered that question.