Archive | November 2015

Dating over the Holidays

A lot of people love to be with someone for the holidays because they feel too alone without someone.  The holidays are a time for family and friends.  If you have someone, it could be an added bonus in your life.  However, it does not mean you are sad if you do not have someone in your life.

It was so stressful over the holidays with someone.  When I was dating Gary, his mother, the monster, was so hard to work with around the holidays.  My family was thankfully flexible and tried to work their dinner time around his families, so we were able to go to both dinners.  His mother on the other hand wouldn’t budge on time.  His family always left the price tag on all the gifts, so you would know how much they spent on them.  The presents I bought them were always ridiculed.  The best gift I ever saw Gary get was his mom taking his picture frame from the apartment and re-gifting it to him with new photos.  I was dying laughing on the inside.  I hated the holidays with Gary.  It was stressful and did not make me feel good.

The first Christmas Barry and I spent together was another one for the books.  My own family had dwindled to a few of us for that holiday.  I do not remember what led up to it, but Barry’s parents did not have plans for Christmas.  My dad thought it would be nice to extend an invite to our home even though we did not think they would come over.  We all thought wrong.  They came over.  The first time our parents met each other.  His parents also drank a shit ton of beer.  My dad thoughts on the situation were along the lines of, “did that really happen?”  

My past experiences were not ideal.  I have made way better memories without someone in my life around the holidays.  I also do not think you need someone just to have someone for the holiday.  Some people treat finding “a someone” for the holidays as if it were the Christmas sweater they only were one time a year.  You take it out of storage for a couple months and then put it back after the new year is in full swing.  I say leave that sweater in the bottom of your drawer, let your hair down, love yourself, and enjoy time with your framily.

Hiding Out

It is very important for both genders to do landscaping on their crotch regions.  No man or woman wants to be faced with a smelly jungle that is out of control.  This should not only be done because you are intimate with someone.  A person should want to have a nice, clean, and fresh playground for themselves.

A good buddy of mine, Ollie, took a broad home one time.  They were in his room getting frisky.  He pulled down her panties to get in-between her legs.  Ollie was not greeted with a fresh paved driveway or a landing strip.  He was faced with a big bush of muff cabbage.  He was so scared of it that image
he told her he would be right back.  Ollie was naked and went into the bathroom.  He didn’t know how long he had been in there.  His roommate opened the bathroom door to find him naked sitting on top of the toilet with his legs crossed.  He told him to tell the broad he had to leave.  Ollie was hiding out in his own bathroom from the broad and her gnarly bush.  The broad eventually came looking for him and his roommate told her Ollie wasn’t there.

I don’t know how the women from the 80’s rocked their bushes.  Everyone had to be walking around and scratching their crotches.  The broad Ollie found had to be the type that leaves pubic hairs all over public toilet seats.  The majority of guys have no standards and will screw anything that has a vagina.  You know it had to be pretty bad for a guy to hide from a broad.  Muff cabbage is certainly no joke.

Avoiding the L Word

Falling in love happens to the best of us.  No one wants to be the first one to feel it let alone say it in a relationship.  It is scary to be out on the ledge of love.  You never know if the other person is on that same ledge with you.  There aren’t safety nets to catch you when you jump off that lovely ledge.

I had this problem when I was dating Peter.  It was all kinds of the worst person to fall in love with for the first time.  He was seven years younger than me and I was his first girlfriend.  It was like the lioness and a baby deer.  I was going to scare him away or devour him.  He was a good guy minus the usual young boy antics.  I became close friends with most of his family.  It was a level of comfort with him.  Our sexual chemistry was great too.  All of that put me on the ledge of love for the first time in my life.

I was trying to make a conscious effort to not slip and say it to him.  It was the hardest thing not to say especially when we were passionately having sex.  I would start to say, “I love youuu… .”  Panic would flood me immediately.  I finished the statement the only way you could without jumping off that ledge at a vulnerable moment.  I finished it as “I love youu…uuur big dick!”  It wasn’t a lie.  I did love his big dick.

I played that avoiding the “L” dance for a while with Peter.  I finally said it.  I told him it was okay if he did not feel the same way.  Some adults close to him thought he loved me, but he would never say it out loud.  It was the first time I fell in love in my life.  It was not the ideal scenario, but it was refreshing to jump off the ledge and free fall.

Put Your Toys Away

downloadWe were probably all taught to put away our toys after playing with them.  You would think we would remember that rule as an adult.  I used to have a box under my bed with all of my sex toys in it.  I now have them in my night stand.  It is easier access.  Everyone has a place they keep their toys, so they are out of sight.

When I lived in the loft at my parents house, the only place with a door for privacy was the bathroom.  The shower was the only place I could enjoy “me time” without the worry of anyone interrupting me.  I sometimes would leave Platinum Pete on the shelf in my shower.  It was easier leaving him there than always getting him from under my bed.  That typically would be okay since my parents never used my shower.  However, I forgot about the cleaning people who would be cleaning my upstairs including my bathroom.  I left my toy in the shower on the day they were coming to the house.  I completely forgot about it.  I came home from work and I realized it was our cleaning day.  I went to get a shower.  Oh shit.  I noticed Pete was moved from the shelf he usually resides on to a different one.  I was embarrassed for a moment before I started laughing my ass off.  I figured I gave the ladies a good laugh for their day.  Do not get me wrong.  I made sure to not take off on a day the cleaning people would be at the house. 

Lessons from when were children should be remembered as adults.  You should always put your toys away after you are done playing with them.  I did not feel too bad about the situation since I went into my parents bathroom once to grab something and my mom left out one of her toys on the sink counter.  Ha.  We all need reminded of that rule from time to time.

The Rebound

What is a rebound in a relationship?  A rebound is when someone gets out of a serious relationship and finds a new someone to band-aid their feelings.  It is a distraction for them.  It is a way to avoid dealing with their feelings from their ex.  The problem with that is you fall into something with an illusion.  Most people project their feelings from the last relationship into the rebound.  It does not always work out well to rely on a rebound to save yourself from the real pain.

Can a relationship or marriage really work out in the long run with a rebound?  I believe 99% of the time it will not work out.  You do not give yourself time to heal and learn from your last relationship.  How can you open your heart truly when it is attached to someone else?

My ex-boyfriend, Gary, and I cut friendly ties at the end of March in 2007.  Gary started dating Melinda in April. She moved into his apartment by June.  They were engaged in July.  I heard from people who knew Melinda that she was cheating on Gary with her ex-boyfriend while they were engaged.  Gary and Melinda got married in July 2008.  It was about two weeks after their wedding that she told him she wanted a divorce.

I ended my relationship with Barry in May 2011 when I found out he was cheating on me for the umpteenth time with Natalya.  That was the last slap in the face I was going to take because she was a math teacher.  Everyone knows women math teachers are not known for their looks.  They immediately started dating in June.  How could you date someone and be able to trust them knowing they cheated on their last significant other?  Barry started texting me about how he missed me and all that other nonsense.  He was doing what he did to me to Natalya.  I did not feel bad for her because she was stupid enough to be the rebound knowing he was not faithful in his last relationship.  Over the past few years, I would find out he was creeping on my social media pages and trying to reach out.  I had no desire to have him be in any part of my life.  I got a text from a mutual guy friend last year telling me that Barry was a creep.  Barry was engaged to Natalya and hitting on our friend’s sister at a country concert.  I was not surprised.  Barry and Natalya just got married this year.  

I wonder how that marriage with a rebound will work out.  I know which side I have my bet on.  There may be a few couples who can make it work for the long haul with a rebound.  However, lezbehonest, 9 times out of 10 it does not work out.  The rebound is just like a basketball.  We all love to bounce a ball.  But it can only bounce for so long before it comes to rest on the ground.  The truth always rolls out of us.