Archive | July 2016

Nine Months No Sex

Anyone can have sex at anytime.  It depends on how much you want it or how desperate you are for it.  You could truly love sex.  I have heard of people using Tinder as a bet to see who could get laid before 2:00am.  I have always been a “in the moment decision” type of person.  I went nine months of no sex by choice.  I could have very easily of had sex with someone in that time.  I was actually going to see if I could make it a full year at that point.  I was interested in becoming a born again virgin.  Ha.  ::clean that slate::

I started the sex hiatus after douche bag Bill.  I went through some medical scares.  I was over men at that time.  I wanted nothing from them.  I was perfectly content with my double A batteries.  I realized that I made it to nine months.  I was surprised that I made it that 4b6b59aaaa5bf12b86fd406e3d4b8005far.  Did I miss sex to the point of wanting a random pickle in my jar?  No.  Did I think about sex?  Yes.  Everyone enjoys sex.  It is human nature.  I even had my one guy friend, Jaxon, just cuddle and lay on me once during my hiatus, so I could feel the weight of a man on me.  ::queue Sex and the City quote::  I have come a long way from my young twenties.  The old, younger version of me acted on every Energizer Bunny impulse.  The seasoned broad that I am now is more selective on the produce that enters the store in-between her legs.

I made it to nine months of no sex.  I started entertaining the idea of going a whole year.  It meant my Miss Lucy was tight and right.  Sharon Osborne supposedly said she had vaginal tightening surgery done to her.  You could go the easier route of indulging in no sex and ben wa ball exercises.  The thought of making it to a year was ended by one of my gorgeous Ron Burgundy friends.  Grayson and I met three years ago through one of our mutual friends.  I had a boyfriend at the time when him and I first met.  When Peter and I broke up, Grayson and I started text messaging and snap chatting one another.  It was so easy to talk to him.  It was even easier to sext with him.  We were both pretty good at exciting one another.  This went on for two years between us.  The build up of sexual tension was beginning to be wound up tighter than Joan River’s face.  It was fun to fantasize about the day we would finally get to feel each other’s naked bodies.

That day happened when I was on my hiatus.  He was in town for a gig.  We were exchanging messages throughout the night.  I was definitely feeling pretty good.  Alcohol gave me confidence and took away my nerves.  Okay, okay, I was drunk.  It probably was better for the situation though.  Two years of sexual anticipation had a lot to live up to.  It started to pour down rain.  I showed up to his hotel room drunk, frisky, and wet.  There was polite chit-chat before we started ripping each other’s clothes off.  I am pretty sure my Miss Lucy was drooling at the sight of him and his big dick.  Whew.  The first thrust was the most titillating sensation I have felt in a long time.  The thought of it right now gives me the chills.  Lord, baby Jesus.  I remember him saying a few times how tight my vahjayjay was when he slid in and out of me.  Nine months of no sex and kegels truly paid off.  We went a few rounds.  It was salacious.  

I still laugh thinking about how drunk I was that night.  At one point, I remember I sucked his balls in my mouth like I was the powerball machine.  :: yells 35, 23, 18::  All bets are off when I am drunk.  Ain’t no shame in my game.  He left me with some lovely markings to remember the evening.  I had to wear fashionable scarves for a week to work.  Do you think I was bummed that I did not make it to a year of no sex?  Hell no.  That was worth every bit of the two years we had in conversations and pictures.  It was one hell of a way to end my nine month sex hiatus.  He can pokemon my pikachu any day.

Sins

What is an affair?  Is it only when you physically engage in a sexual act with someone while you are united with another person?  Could it be when you are exchanging friendly messages with someone yet erase the conversations?  If you have to hide it from your significant other, you are already having an affair of sorts.  

If you meet a good-looking man or woman out and they are wearing a wedding ring, what do you do?  The vast majority of everyone including myself immediately shuts down the attraction.  They are taken.  I do not sniff that kind of man out or want to be stirring random pots.  Have I slept with a taken man before?  Yes.  The difference was it was with men I have known and been with for a very long time.  I know, I know, you are judging me as you read that sentence.  I am not using character names for this post due to the significance of it.  Plus, I have long histories with quite a few men.  Keep in mind we all sin differently in life.  You should try to reserve judgement.  No one likes a Judgey McJudgerson holier than though type of person.  amanda-bynes-easy-a

The one guy was engaged.  We had a long history.  Tequila was involved in our evening.  We ended up in the back seat of my car behind a bar going at it like teenagers.  Did I regret it?  No.  Why you ask?  It was as if it was the closure our long intertwined history needed before he jumped the broom.  A part of me loved him and hoped the wedding would not happen.  Two nights before his big day, he text messaged me and asked me to meet him and our buddies out.  I kindly declined.  The night before his big day, he text messaged me and wanted to see me.  It took everything in me to not go see him.  I was realistic with myself and knew he wouldn’t call off the wedding for me.  I was not delusional.  It was not meant to be for him and I.  The other thought was would he do the same thing to me that he was doing to her?

Another guy friend and I were entangled well over a decade before he started dating his now wife.  We were friends before ever sleeping together.  When we started having sex, it was before he started dating his significant other.  I knew I would never have a chance of running into her or meeting her.  We took precautions to keep it quiet after he got engaged.  You are thinking to yourself, “How could she?”  There is a certain way that I look at it.  It is not my mirror to look in every day.  It is his mirror.  It is his relationship.  I truly thought after he got married our long history of bedding adventures would be over.  He was in town one night for a gig and text messaged me.  I went to meet up with him.  Long story short, we ended up in his hotel room still catching up while he was playing Clash of Clans like a nerd.  He asked me what I thought could happen between us.  I told him that I figured our extracurricular activities were over since he took the big plunge.  I also made sure he knew I was not going to be the one to make the first move.  You are thinking, “Why would that matter?”  I know “most” men will not turn down sex.  I did not want to offer it and ruin anything because I made the first move.  I put the ball in his court, so it was his decision to make since it was his marriage.  He chose to cross that line with me.  Did I regret it?  No.  It was his choice.

These are men I have known and been tangled up with for many years.  They are not some randoms that I picked up in a bar.  I know this is not considered high morals for c818422d8d45d68c86f8a3d757514562.jpgmany people.  This is a grey area in my book.  It is hard to forget about all of the history.  Do I have sex with all beaus in my past?  No, absolutely not.  Do I feel guilty about my sins?  No.  I do not have to look into their mirror for their relationship.  That burden is on them.  What’s ironic is that ten years ago I would have said, “I could never do that.”  This is when I learned you truly do not know what you would do until faced with that situation.  You can say you would never do something hypothetically twenty times over.  The problem is when you are actually faced with the situation that your high and mighty attitude could sing a different tune.

One good guy friend of mine had a girlfriend that I became very good friends with in college.  They dated for a long time.  Things seemed to fall a part between them when they were approaching the “Shit or get off the pot” question.  They broke up and went their separate ways.  He started dating someone else.  I cannot remember if he was engaged to this other woman or not, but we were all out one night and he told our girl he was still in love with her.  She shrugged it off since he was drunk.  I told her our true feelings are revealed when alcohol is involved.  There are no filters.  She did not want to re-open her mended heart.  He went onto marry the girl he settled for while she went onto marry someone else as well.  My guy friend was caught numerous times looking at her wedding pictures on social media.  I believe he loved the girl he married, but I also believe a part of him would always love the other one.  You have to wonder if it’s fair to the person you married that part of your heart will always be with another.  Is there any way to truly let go of someone who you loved and cared about on a deep level?  I do not think it is always possible to let go completely.  History always comes into play.

There are other past beaus and guy friends that have come to me for conversation.  Some like to talk about the past.  Others need someone to vent to about what is lacking in their relationships.  Most of them would never dare act on anything.  Fantasizing about another person does not mean your marriage or relationship is over.  It is healthy to a point.  My one best friend’s dad once said, “The day I stop looking at women is when I die.  That’s how you know you’re not dead yet.”  Some of us need an outlet to talk about our frustrations.  It is easier to talk about it with someone whose feelings cannot be hurt by it.  As I said though, it is only healthy to a certain extent.  Even if you do not act on your desires, it does not mean you are not cheating on your significant other in a different way.  I feel a lot of my friends come to me because they know they can trust me.  I would never go around stirring pots or spilling beans for gossip sake.  It would ruin or take a toll on their relationships.  The backlash on me would be absurd.  Nothing would ever make it worth while to me.  This is probably part of the reason I am applying to graduate school in the Rehabilitation and Mental Health Counseling program with a concentration in Family and Marriage, Relationship, and Sex Therapy.  (Shocker Alert).

There are some fairy tale endings in life.  Those people who are meant to be together and never stepped outside of their significant other.  Or maybe they had a hiccup in their relationship and got themselves back on track.  It does not make you a monster or a horrible person.  We are human.  We make mistakes.  We are not perfect.  However, I do not believe everyone was meant to be penguins and mate for life.  A lot of people settle in life.  That is why wandering thoughts, hands and penises happen in relationships. 

 

Higher Standards

Sex is an important key player in the game.  It is fun especially when you are young and dumb.  The majority of people do not put sex up on a petal stool.  There are some people who only have sex while in a relationship.  I enjoyed my steady dial-a-dick buddies.  I was never the “relationship driven broad.”  I loved having sex.  My type was typically the meatheads and occassionaly guys that were just really, really, ridiculously good looking.  I didn’t care if they acted like douchebags.  I didn’t care how they treated me as long as I was getting laid at the end of the night.  I’ve learned that there is more to life than that.  ::insert blue steel Derek Zoolander face::

I was out with Aurora and Max one night.  They are such a fun couple to be around.  They do not make you physically ill like some others.  We were out at a bar indulging in some adult beverages when I noticed the bartender was pretty cute.  Aurora noticed that the bartender was checking me out as well.  We were getting ready to bar hop to the next destination.  I was trying to wait for the right moment to make my move when Max told me to hurry it up and get his number already.  There was not going to be a right moment.  I called Mason over to us.  I said, “So are you single or with someone?  Do you want my number?  Or I can get yours?”  He looked flustered for a second and was stumbling for words.  He was fumbling looking for his phone.  Mason could not find his phone, so he wrote his number down on a napkin for me.  He said he was planning on getting mine, but I beat him to the punch.  We texted back and forth for a couple weeks.  

Mason told me he had a little baby girl recently.  The mother and him were not on good terms with each other.  He also added how they bartend at the same bar, but they are now on different shifts.  Not an ideal situation.  I decided to give him a chance depsite his baggage.  We went out for drinks.  I was on my way to meet him when he asked if I could pick him up.  I thought that was odd, but I wanted to hang out with him.  I scooped him up on the way to the restaurant/bar.  His resume got a bit messier.  Mason told me he had two DUI’s and a breathalizer in his car.  He can’t drive and go out for drinks.  Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.  Suprisingly, we hit it off.  I felt very comfortable with him in those few hours that we were talking at the bar.  At the end of the night, I took him home and shared an intense goodnight kiss.  I remembered that it’s all in the kiss.  My interest was truly peaked for Mason.

*Cliff Note Version of the Sexapade*  After a couple of weeks, Mason was coming over my place to hang out.  I was super nervous because I hadn’t had sober sex in a long time. LOL.  It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t great.  He couldn’t keep it going the whole time, so it felt like red light, green light sex.  I got a cramp in my calf.  It was comical.  The following evening he popped by unexpectedly for a redo.  It was way better!  Thank God!  Mason and I would hang out and hook up over the next two months then we went two months of nothing.

Fast forward five months from us first meeting, I randomly texted Mason that my friends and I were going back to my place for an after party.  He actually said he would come over.  He got there and was immediately in a brat mood.  He was mad that I didn’t personally greet him at the door and get him a beer.  Mason was irritated that there were a lot of people there.  He was even more pissy with me when I wouldn’t go to bed with him due to my friends still at my house.  It was to the point of him texting me while inside my house instead of socializing with everyone.  Mason was wanting me to beg him to stay since he was threatening to leave.  His actions were leaving little to be desired.  He ended up leaving and sending a barage of text messages.  I did not respond to any of them.

The old, younger verison of myself would have told him to stay, so I could get laid.  Now, I do not have time for that nonsense or care to spread my legs for douchebag behavior.  One would think with Mason being near forty years old that he’d know how to act like an adult.  I won’t be contacting him again.  sizwqikzcgjyatxpyl7n  I was not looking for anything serious from Mason, but I won’t tolerate someone in my bed that acts like a bratty child.  My moral standards have come a long way unlike my taste in men.  Those skills still need some work.  Keep your head held high and your middle finger higher 😉