Archive | September 2016

Who Has to Tinkle?

Who has peed in the shower before?  If I am in the shower alone, I usually pee in there.  It is something about that water hitting your body that makes you have to pee even if you just went to the bathroom.  I would never pee in the shower if someone else was in there.  That is just rude.  Granted, pee is sterile and helps prevent foot fungus.  You are welcome for that fun fact.67c1e7d975cde162148b18a33d18d326.jpg

One time, Tony and I were having a conversation about sex.  He told me there have been several women that have asked him to pee on them.  I was pretty intrigued by this statement since there was more than one of these ladies with that request.  I started firing off a bunch of questions.  He told me he only obliged their request when they were in the shower.  I wondered where does one want to be peed on.  Tony does not give these broads the choice.  He said he always went on their face.  (If you can read that sentence without busting into laughter, you are a dull and boring person).  I went on to ask him if they wanted to pee on him as well.  He said some did want to pee on him, but he only let one of them actually do it.  There was another broad who ended up peeing on his hand.  Did she left a leg up and let it loose?  How does that even work?  Tony is not a small guy by any means.  His nickname we gave him was Shamu.  I would think a whale like him would feel at home getting pissed on.  He was not okay with it at all.  Tony wanted to share the experience though with his roommate.  He did not wash his hands.  He came out of the bathroom and high-fived Chester.  Tony told him what was all over his hand.  Chester was no longer enthused.  He also told me a broad from the gym randomly asked him if he would like to pee on her.  You cannot make this shit up.  He must have the look of a good fire hose on him.

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Personally, I am not into golden showers unless I got stung by a jellyfish.  I could support that the shower is the place to pee on people though.  The thought of getting pee on your bed and going on your mattress makes me cringe.  The carpet would probably be just as bad.  Nobody wants their house to smell like stale pee or to be known as stinky pee.  There is nothing about peeing on someone or someone peeing on me that gets me turned on.  However, if I was in a serious relationship and the guy wanted me to pee on him, I would kindly let it flow on him.  I am a team player and will try almost anything at least one time.  I said, “almost anything.”   

Just don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining.

 

Jeepers Creepers

I can say with confidence everyone is guilty to a certain level of creeping on someone.  It is hard not to do with todays social media and technology.  It makes it pretty easy for someone to find out about another person.  However, some people take it to a whole other level.  They go above and beyond the little innocent creeping to almost stalking in a sense.  ::queue Michael Jackson:: “I always feel like somebody’s watching me..”

I have creeped on people via social media.  It is like window browsing.  You can look, but do not touch.  Amateurs are bad at it.  Some people do not know that LinkedIn shows you who looked at your profile or it tells you one of these people in a group looked at your profile.  You can always guess who it was that looked at your profile.  I have had numerous ex-boyfriends wives or girlfriends, old friends, or ex-boyfriends themselves show up on your LinkedIn.  Rookies.  There are the rookie mistakes of creeping on someone on Facebook and you end up requesting them as a friend.  That is my all time favorite.  I typically call those broads out for shits and giggles.  They are nine times out of ten friends with my guy friend’s new girlfriend.  This is all the innocent creeping.

One of the levels I have not graduated to is the drive by someone’s house.  I know quite a few females who have driven by the guy’s house.  Some have taken pictures as evidence to what cars they saw at the house.  Some have made me be the driver, so the guy would not recognize my car.  It is almost like stalking a person.  What drives a person to do this?  Trust?  Insecurity?  Paranoia?  I know a handful of broads that had decoy Facebook accounts.  They used them to creep.  The problem was they took it to a different level.  They would tell people it was a cousin.  They had a whole back story for this pretend person.  I had a girlfriend get mad at me once because I told someone it was really her.  Who has that kind of spare time to invest in making someone up?  If you have that little of trust in someone, you should probably not be dating them or interested in them.  Another level would be messaging other people who you think are interested in your someone.  I know a few ladies who have indulged in that guilty pleasure.  They try to mark their territory.  The problem with that is no one really cares.  If a wedding ring cannot deter someone from going after another person that is married, your message on social media will fall on deaf ears.  Those types of messages will be laughed at and looked at as crazy desperation.   

Some of my girlfriends are almost private investigator status.  They can find anything out.  My one best friend saw a picture of her man at a fancy bar and she felt like something was off that evening.  She looked up his ex girlfriend’s instagram account.  That broad had the exact same picture up.  They may not have been in each other’s pictures, but they were most definitely at the same bar.  I would say the only way to possibly get away with cheating is by not having any social media.  There is always a downloadcookie crumb trail left behind.

The problem with all of the creeping and stalking antics it kind of makes you look crazy.  It is not the type of crazy that majority of people want others to see in the daylight.  Most people like to hide that crazy in a locked trunk.  These gestures also do not help you keep your love interest or significant other in the long run.  Who wants to be with someone that you have to keep tabs on at all times?  You can stay ten steps ahead all the time, but you may be the one left behind in the end.

If you need some examples of creeping and looking crazy, click on these links from Kevin Hart’s stand up 🙂

Psychopath Girl

Bitch in the Trunk

 

Drunk Subconscious

Have you ever struggled with what to do in a situation?  The inner debate within yourself.  There are plenty of times in life where the drunk you trumps the sober you.  It is similar to the angel and devil on each shoulder.  Who do you listen to?  Which one will win out?  

Aurora and Max had their friend in town.  I saw Aurora in a picture with this guy who caught my attention.  She told me it was their friend Oliver.  He was an attractive guy.  Aurora and Max had a feeling Oliver and I would vibe well.  They also know I do not do anything with strings attached to it.  This would have been a perfect situation for me.  

I was having people over at my house.  Aurora and Max brought Oliver and Jim to my place to party with us.  I totally dug Oliver’s vibe.  He was good people.  He was good-looking.  He did not live here.  I also received a side note about him.  *Oliver had a big dick*  It sounded like a great package deal.  I was drinking a lot that night.  At the end of the night, the sober, level-headed voice told me to have Oliver stay over and only sleep together.  You could tell a lot about a person by just sleeping with them in bed.  However, the drunk voice in my head told me to spread them legs and get it in.  Take one guess which voice won the argument?  Woof.

I wish I would have only slept in the same bed as him.  I would have realized having sex with him would be a bad idea.  Yes, he had a big dick, but it was not as big as my ex, Peter.  It was girth big.  The sex was okay.  It was nothing to write home about and I did not want to try it again.  

He thought I was shy in bed because he was trying to force me to dirty talk.  Never force anything.  It makes it very awkward and ruins the mood.  We just met and were having sex the same night.  It made me feel like Kevin Hart.  That is way too much to put your nasty on someone in the first night of meeting them.  Just shut up and fuck me.  As if it couldn’t get any worse, he was a cuddler.  Fack.  I barely got any sleep that night.  I was so uncomfortable.  I would try to scoot away from him because I have a king size bed.  He would either creep up behind me or pull me back to him. I needed space to sleep.  Jesus Mary and Joseph.  He started calling me gorgeous, baby and babe.  I loathe those terms when they are thrown around on a whim.

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All of that left a bad taste in my mouth.  The more I reflected on it the more I realized that I messed up.  I did not want to be around him after that.  If I would have just slept in the same bed with him, it would still be cool for me to be around him.  I ruined it by having sex with him.  I felt even worse because I think so much of Aurora and Max.  I made sure not to be rude to him.  I played the fade, arms length type responses.  I did not want to lead him on since I noticed he was liking everything I posted on the book of faces.  

Oliver was good people.  He was better as just a friend though.  My best friend, Jude, told me that I must have the circus in-between my legs since after one time Oliver was clambering over me.  Don’t worry there is no bearded lady at this circus act.