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Who Has to Tinkle?

Who has peed in the shower before?  If I am in the shower alone, I usually pee in there.  It is something about that water hitting your body that makes you have to pee even if you just went to the bathroom.  I would never pee in the shower if someone else was in there.  That is just rude.  Granted, pee is sterile and helps prevent foot fungus.  You are welcome for that fun fact.67c1e7d975cde162148b18a33d18d326.jpg

One time, Tony and I were having a conversation about sex.  He told me there have been several women that have asked him to pee on them.  I was pretty intrigued by this statement since there was more than one of these ladies with that request.  I started firing off a bunch of questions.  He told me he only obliged their request when they were in the shower.  I wondered where does one want to be peed on.  Tony does not give these broads the choice.  He said he always went on their face.  (If you can read that sentence without busting into laughter, you are a dull and boring person).  I went on to ask him if they wanted to pee on him as well.  He said some did want to pee on him, but he only let one of them actually do it.  There was another broad who ended up peeing on his hand.  Did she left a leg up and let it loose?  How does that even work?  Tony is not a small guy by any means.  His nickname we gave him was Shamu.  I would think a whale like him would feel at home getting pissed on.  He was not okay with it at all.  Tony wanted to share the experience though with his roommate.  He did not wash his hands.  He came out of the bathroom and high-fived Chester.  Tony told him what was all over his hand.  Chester was no longer enthused.  He also told me a broad from the gym randomly asked him if he would like to pee on her.  You cannot make this shit up.  He must have the look of a good fire hose on him.

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Personally, I am not into golden showers unless I got stung by a jellyfish.  I could support that the shower is the place to pee on people though.  The thought of getting pee on your bed and going on your mattress makes me cringe.  The carpet would probably be just as bad.  Nobody wants their house to smell like stale pee or to be known as stinky pee.  There is nothing about peeing on someone or someone peeing on me that gets me turned on.  However, if I was in a serious relationship and the guy wanted me to pee on him, I would kindly let it flow on him.  I am a team player and will try almost anything at least one time.  I said, “almost anything.”   

Just don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining.

 

Tinder: Update 4

imageI do not know which type of guy is worse on Tinder.  The men who are imagecreeps and assholes or the desperate, broad type of men looking for a lifelong partnership.  Is there ever a happy medium?  Do not get me wrong there is nothing wrong with men looking for a serious relationship.  However, I do not think you should skip the small talk straight to the serious relationship talk.  That is usually put off until the three month mark.  I understand not wanting to beat around the bush, but it is a little much all at once in a first conversation.  I know my brutal honesty has been taken as intimidating with some men.  

The guy’s tattoo on the left had me cracking up.  He looks in the mirror every morning and gets a positive message every time, “You’re worth it.”  Can you imagine if a broad got that tattoo above her ass?  HaHa. 

imageWe also have the random married men on there.  They have no shame in their game.  This one in particular laid all his cards out on the table.  He is probably more honest than most men with a ring.  Or maybe his wife really doesn’t know.  Who knows.  It is still a gamble.  I stand firm on the fact that his package picture is nothing appealing to me.  I would much prefer a shirtless picture than that eggplant.  Can you imagine if broads went around posting pictures of them in their underwear showing their camel toes?  Lord, that is a disturbing image!  Ew!  ::Jimmy Fallon, Sara voice::

My surprise came when my one boss came up on my Tinder.  It was slightly awkward.  Do you swipe right, so he is not offended?  Or would he be more offended by you swiping right?  Is that work place sexual harassment?  I made a good joke out of it imageas you see from the screenshot.  He was a good sport about it.  The ironic thing is how many guys do catfish and steal other men’s pictures for their own.  I saw about four or five men posing to be Nick Bateman.  That is the other problem with online sites.  You have no idea if the person you are talking to really matches their pictures they have up on the site until you meet them in person.  I do not know if you blame the superficial world we live in or the narcissistic assholes.

 

 

Tinder: Update 3

imageHow many times have you heard a man detest cats?  I am officially calling bullshit.  There are a lot of men on Tinder holding cats in their pictures.  The amount is kind of shocking.  It seems there are a lot of men who are closet cat lovers.  I also find it funny how many guys have puppies as their front picture or the guy holding the puppy.  It reminds me of the creepy guy with candy luring the kid into their van.  As if, women spread their legs for any dick with a puppy.  

Next, we have the men who think their best side is showing their imagepackages.  I do not care how big a guys dick is if he is a douche bag.  No dick is worth shit if he is an asshole.  How many women would sleep with a guy just because he has a big dick?  Is it the old beauty is only a light switch away idea or throw a brown paper bag over their head?  I do not like dick pix.  I look like the monkey emoji covering its eyes when I receive one.  Dicks, balls, vaginas, and assholes are not cute.image

There is a reason they are called private parts.  They need to stay private.  These guys are putting their hot dogs, bananas, or eggplants out on social media for everyone to see and screenshot.  This David guy is stating he wants something serious, but his picture states the opposite.  He is just writing fluff for what every typical broad wants to hear from a man.  The smart ones would see his big dick bullshit.  His dick also looks like it hooks a little.  Most broads do not want a crooked dick.  If we did want that, we would just sit on our thumbs and rotate.

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Andrew thought this was his best side for the camera.  Ha.  Oh man.  Tinder is definitely good for some laughs.  It is also sad this is what women have to pick from in the single pond.  It is not very appealing.  Single is more appealing than subjecting yourself to one of these dickimage bags.  I know Tinder is not eHarmony, but it also is not Craigslist.  Tinder works with your Facebook account.  If you only wanted a fuck buddy or a booty call, you still need to treat the person like a human being and not a piece of meat.  A lot of guys and maybe broads too forget that little piece of the puzzle.  There is nothing wrong with just wanting someone to hook up with now and then.  Some people cannot commit to one person, have time for a relationship, or are ready to open themselves up for a relationship.  That does not make them bad people, but it also does not give them the right to degrade someone for sex.  We should all do our part in trying to keep whats between our legs a little classy and something to desire.

 

 

 

Out of the Bush

There are those people in life that deserve to have a turn of bad luck.  It could be because they are assholes.  They could cuckoobe crazy people.  There are many choices to choose from to fill in that blank.  A lot of people believe in karma.  They believe karma will handle people in due time.  Some others believe karma needs a little nudge.

It was nearing summers end in 2008.  There were a bunch of people at Sandcastle that day.  My boyfriend at the time, Drew, wanted to go out with a bang for the summer.  There were not many of us that were fans of Tony’s cuckoo bird, Meg.  She was there that day.  Tony and Nicole were there too.  Here we go again.  Everyone was drinking a lot.  Many things were said and done at the pool.  It was getting out of hand.  Meg was fully dressed with her bags on her shoulders.  She was standing next to the pool.  She was screaming about something.  I watched Drew walk straight towards Meg.  In one swift movement, he stiff armed her from behind into the pool.  Drew took off.  She was silently shocked.  Her purse, pool bag, and herself were fully submerged in the water.  She started screaming asking who did that to her.  Police and security showed up and escorted her away.  

Next thing I knew, I was getting asked to come with security to answer some questions.  They wanted to know if I saw who pushed Meg in the pool.  I lied and told him I thought it was the kid whose hat she stole earlier in the day.  I immediately text messaged Drew to go home and get out of there.  I was not letting him get in trouble over some crazy broad.  They let us go back to our friends.  They escorted Meg out of the water park’s front entrance.  

We all thought the excitement was over for the day.  We all thought wrong.  Nicole and Tony walked out the bottom exit.  Meg came flying out from the bushes after Nicole.  The security guards must have sensed Meg was not leaving when they escorted her out.  Because they were there immediately in the beginning of the chaos.  Meg got handcuffed and went to jail.  Drew got his wish.  He escaped all of the blame and went out with a bang.  We told Tony he truly needed to cut ties with Meg.  Her last incident in the living room at Drew’s house with a tampon and this episode was enough for all of us.  She was a certified cuckoo bird.

Once again, I felt like I was in an episode of a soap opera.  How does one person keep getting themselves in those types of situations?  Could the sex be that good that you go to jail over it?  How long could you ride the hot mess express?  I have heard of people doing crazy things over sex, but she was definitely topping the cake.  Meg was truly cuckoo for Tony’s cocoa puffs.

Try-Sexual with a Frat Boy

I used to do modeling and modeling competitions.  However, the thought of having sex in front of a mirror frightened the hell out of me.  Who would think that someone who modeled wouldn’t want to see themselves naked?  Who would think a samtrymodel could be self-conscious?  When I met Ken, he helped me to be more confident in my own skin.

It was in September of 2003.  Will invited me to his college frat party.  This college was known to be a smart school.  I never thought a party would be fun there.  I decided to go and check it out.  I was shocked that it really was a frat party with lots of alcohol and good-looking men.  Will introduced me to Ken.  I can remember this evening well down to what I was wearing and what he was wearing at the party.  He was tall, muscular, brown hair, nice hard jaw line and made you go weak in the knees.  I could barely talk.  It is not often someone leaves me speechless.  Little did I know, this encounter would be the most innocent one we had together.

I found myself partying a lot there.  Will had a party at his house.  We stayed there together on a pull out couch.  It was PG-13.  We only fooled around.  I started staying over night in his room at the frat house.  The rooms were designed to get the most efficiency out of them.  Each room had two people living in them.  It had space for a desk for two people.  It had two tall closets.  There was a kind of loft space with a futon and TV area.  The sleeping area was under the loft.  They were spilt into two caves.  It was big enough for a single mattress on the floor and a curtain.  Ken had his cave decorated with blue rope lights and mirrors on the wall.  Attention K-Mart shoppers, we have a blue light special.  I was very apprehensive of crawling into the cave not to mention those mirrors.  I never wanted to see me in them.  Ken told me how beautiful I was and that I should not be scared to look in the mirror.  He got me to look the mirror while we were having sex.  I never knew how much of a turn on it was to see yourself having sex.  It was hot.  Maybe it was because Ken was so ridiculously good-looking.  He even got me to try out the infamous sixty-nine position.  I was always nervous about having my Miss Lucy all up close and personal with someone’s face.  Ken nudged me into looking in the mirror for this position as well.  I loved everything about this new high.

7a018038fe4de2826bec3f4d22a7397bThere were a handful of times he got me to step out of my comfort zone in the frat house.  One time, I sat him down in a chair in the hallway and pulled his pants down.  I kindly got on my knees to do a job for him.  He obviously had no objections to that job.  I think guys get high-fived for this sort of thing in frats.  Another time, we had sex in the bathroom.  The bathrooms in the frats are not as private as you would think.  The bathroom stalls had doors, but the shower stalls did not have doors.  We started out having sex in the shower and then moved inside the bathroom stall.  It was the ‘I have to have you right now’ kind of sex.  The other time, we were in the stairwell.  It was such a rush doing sexual activities where we could get caught.  I did not even care if someone saw us.  It turned me on more thinking someone would stumble upon us.

Ken finally moved out of the frat house and only a couple of houses down from Will.  We were at a party at Will’s house.  Ken and I went outside for a cigarette.  We were chilling on the couch on the porch.  I had a shit eaten grin on my face.  He knew I was up to something fun.  I unzipped his pants and started sucking him off.  He enjoyed the spontaneous sex adventures as much as I did.  It was so much fun having someone to get me out of my shell.

Our code text to each other was about wanting a cigarette which meant come over for sex.  We would have a cigarette before and after we had sex.  We fooled around on his porch as well.  We would start having sex in his room and move it to the shower.  One night, we played a game.  I let him use objects that he had on the second floor in this game.  The game was using these objects to stick inside of me.  I cannot remember every object he used on me since we were drinking that night.  I do remember he tried a cardboard paper towel tube and the handle of a vibrating toothbrush.  It was a silly game, but we had fun with it.

This on and off again fling we had went on for a few years.  I was a try-sexual with him.  He got me to open up and blossom in my sex life.  We had a lot of amazing sex.  Before I met him, I could never imagine doing half of those activities.  It was fun stepping out of my comfort zone.  I loved becoming confident without clothes on.  Ken graduated from college and stuck around in Pittsburgh for a little while.  He ended up moving to L.A.  We continued sexting over the years when we were both single.  I am sure there are plenty of people who could not imagine doing sexual acts where they could get caught by someone.  There are probably even more people who would never play a game like we did.  The question should not be “Why?”  The question should be “Why Not?”

The Power of the V card

Women truly do have a slight power advantage over men.  We withhold sex when we are mad or trying to prove a point.  We also may keep the lid on our cookie jar to see if the man is worthy of tasting our cookie.  The men are always hoping to get their hand in the cookie jar.  They never know if they will succeed or not with the task.  At the end of the day, it is a game surrounding the cookie jar.

A long time ago, my four girl friends and I took a road trip to a different college for the night.  We were staying at my one guy friends place.  This guy friend and I had an on and off again ordeal since I was sixteen years old.  All of us headed out to the bars.  It was a fun evening.  I wondered where Cameron went since we were staying with him.  I found him dancing all over some broad.  My girl friends suggested we go to another bar.  That was fine with me, but I had to do something before we left.  I was drinking a vodka and cranberry.  He was wearing a white button up shirt.  I walked over to Cameron and tapped him on the shoulder.  He turned to face me.  I dumped my drink over his head and tossed the cup at him.  I turned around and walked out with my girl friends.  They were dying.  They were then concerned with where we would stay.  I assured them that we would still be staying at Cameron’s.  After the night was over, we were back at Cameron’s.  They all figured he would be fuming with me.  They forgot I had my V card.  The girls and I were relaxing in the living room.  Cameron came out and asked if I was coming to bed with him.  Their mouths dropped.  He knew he was in the wrong or he knew he wanted to get laid. Ha.  Either way you think about it, Cameron had to suck it up if he wanted in my cookie jar.

Several months ago, I had met Jaxon.  He definitely rocked my socks off three times.  You are probably thinking we had sex.  You are wrong.  It was only his hand in my cookie jar.  I knew if he could do that with just his hand that I was in for a treat.  We talked for a few weeks.  I lived in Chicago and he lived in Florida.  It was never going to be anything more than a fling.  I did not know I would end up living in Florida.  I was excited because it meant I had a guy there already to have fun with in a new state.  I found out he had met someone else.  One night, we had an after party at Jaxon’s place.  He wanted to explain himself about this other broad and how he was sorry.  It was my birthday, so I had quite a bit to drink.  I also wanted birthday sex.  I was irritated.  Jaxon knew my irritation was at him.  I ended up hitting him really hard in the balls.  I do not remember if I kicked him with my foot or if I hit him with my hand.  He dropped to his knees holding himself.  I found it hilarious.  You would think he would be furious with me.  This story ended with us in his bathroom.  It was hot and rough.  You know it is great sex when the guy is choking you, you lose air supply, and beg for more.  I got my birthday sex.cookie

I feel like most men will put up with a lot just to get that cookie jar in the end.  I am sure there is a line that you should not cross, but it seems there is a lot of wiggle room.  It is funny how powerful the V card can be in life.  Some ladies forget how much power they have over a man.  Ladies hold that V card up high and remember you have the cookie jar.