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Jeepers Creepers

I can say with confidence everyone is guilty to a certain level of creeping on someone.  It is hard not to do with todays social media and technology.  It makes it pretty easy for someone to find out about another person.  However, some people take it to a whole other level.  They go above and beyond the little innocent creeping to almost stalking in a sense.  ::queue Michael Jackson:: “I always feel like somebody’s watching me..”

I have creeped on people via social media.  It is like window browsing.  You can look, but do not touch.  Amateurs are bad at it.  Some people do not know that LinkedIn shows you who looked at your profile or it tells you one of these people in a group looked at your profile.  You can always guess who it was that looked at your profile.  I have had numerous ex-boyfriends wives or girlfriends, old friends, or ex-boyfriends themselves show up on your LinkedIn.  Rookies.  There are the rookie mistakes of creeping on someone on Facebook and you end up requesting them as a friend.  That is my all time favorite.  I typically call those broads out for shits and giggles.  They are nine times out of ten friends with my guy friend’s new girlfriend.  This is all the innocent creeping.

One of the levels I have not graduated to is the drive by someone’s house.  I know quite a few females who have driven by the guy’s house.  Some have taken pictures as evidence to what cars they saw at the house.  Some have made me be the driver, so the guy would not recognize my car.  It is almost like stalking a person.  What drives a person to do this?  Trust?  Insecurity?  Paranoia?  I know a handful of broads that had decoy Facebook accounts.  They used them to creep.  The problem was they took it to a different level.  They would tell people it was a cousin.  They had a whole back story for this pretend person.  I had a girlfriend get mad at me once because I told someone it was really her.  Who has that kind of spare time to invest in making someone up?  If you have that little of trust in someone, you should probably not be dating them or interested in them.  Another level would be messaging other people who you think are interested in your someone.  I know a few ladies who have indulged in that guilty pleasure.  They try to mark their territory.  The problem with that is no one really cares.  If a wedding ring cannot deter someone from going after another person that is married, your message on social media will fall on deaf ears.  Those types of messages will be laughed at and looked at as crazy desperation.   

Some of my girlfriends are almost private investigator status.  They can find anything out.  My one best friend saw a picture of her man at a fancy bar and she felt like something was off that evening.  She looked up his ex girlfriend’s instagram account.  That broad had the exact same picture up.  They may not have been in each other’s pictures, but they were most definitely at the same bar.  I would say the only way to possibly get away with cheating is by not having any social media.  There is always a downloadcookie crumb trail left behind.

The problem with all of the creeping and stalking antics it kind of makes you look crazy.  It is not the type of crazy that majority of people want others to see in the daylight.  Most people like to hide that crazy in a locked trunk.  These gestures also do not help you keep your love interest or significant other in the long run.  Who wants to be with someone that you have to keep tabs on at all times?  You can stay ten steps ahead all the time, but you may be the one left behind in the end.

If you need some examples of creeping and looking crazy, click on these links from Kevin Hart’s stand up 🙂

Psychopath Girl

Bitch in the Trunk

 

Just Say No

Some people think the word “no” is mean.  Sometimes the word “no” saves both parties time and energy.  We all have those friends or married friends that try and help us single people out.  Maybe some single people need a little push and shove help.  I am not one of those people.

I was out with one of my married friends for a ‘Sunday Funday.’  We went to grab some food before heading to a beach concert.  We had already been drinking and partying.  The bartender was giving Mila and I the over flow from the frozen drinks he was making other customers.  The gesture from the bartender sparked an idea for Mila and Willam.  They thought it would be a great plan to start a conversation with him.  They found out he was from Pittsburgh like us.  These two thought he was good looking.  They also thought we would be perfect together.  There was one problem with that thought.  He reminded me of my ex-boyfriend Gary.  We all know how much I love the thought of that guy.  ::insert heavy sarcasm::

I tried to explain to them that I did not want his number.  I may be single, but I have fun on the side with someone.  They couldn’t understand why I would want to pass up on this bartender.  The dynamic duo took my phone and put his number in it along with his name.  They proceeded to call him from my phone, so he had my number.  My polite way of trying to say “no” clearly fell on deaf ears.  Carter, the bartender, tried texting me to meet up at the concert.  I was too drunk and had no desire to hang out with him.  He sent me two messages Monday evening.  I was already asleep after he sent the second one.  He assumed that since I did not respond to his first message, an hour previous, that I must have been too drunk to remember him.  My thoughts as I read his two messages on Tuesday morning, “No, asshole I remembered you.  I just did not want to speak with you.”  I responded in a short tone manner.  I made sure to mention that he was coming off as impatient when it came to text messages.  I didn’t hear from him the rest of the week.  I thought I was in the clear since I was trying to make it apparent that I was not into him.

Saturday night arrives of that week.  I went out with my two best guy friends for wings, beer and playoff hockey.  Carter text messaged me asking what I was doing for the night.  Ugh.  My buddies saw the immediate reaction in my face upon looking at the message.  I explained to them the situation.  I responded to his text that I was out with my buddies at Hooters having wings and beer.  That clearly should have been understood that I was out with guy friends.  Carter proceeded to text me that he had an open bar tab at some bar if I wanted to hang out.  My buddies took it upon themselves to try and write a message back to Carter.  We sent a message to him asking if that meant it was for all of us since I wasn’t ditching my friends.  Carter came back with a douche bag response that the bar tab was for him and I only.  At this point, my two guy friends and I were all annoyed with him.  The next message he sent was truly hysterical and perplexing.  He said, “I know you don’t want to hang with me, it is what it is, you’re just gonna have to suck it up.”  Ha.  Carter caught the hint that I was not interested yet he thought that I did not have a choice in the matter?

I was right.  Carter more than resembled my ex-boyfriend Gary.  He also had a douche bag personality like him.  I am not a pro at picking the right men, but I am good at picking up on vibes.  He did not spark anything inside me let alone those good vibes.  His impatient messages and ignorant comments were irritating.  The best part was I realized I recognized him from Tinder.  I swiped left on him.  Ha.  I guess even in a stack of men I knew that he wasn’t a good match for me.  I love Mila and William for having good intentions.  It was heart warming that they care about me, but ain’t nobody got time for all that.  The next time I feel that way I will just say, “No.”  Carter can share his bar tab with another broad because I don’t care to suck anything up besides a drink in a straw. woman-drinking-red-cocktail-horiz_ceuyxz

Tinder: Update 4

imageI do not know which type of guy is worse on Tinder.  The men who are imagecreeps and assholes or the desperate, broad type of men looking for a lifelong partnership.  Is there ever a happy medium?  Do not get me wrong there is nothing wrong with men looking for a serious relationship.  However, I do not think you should skip the small talk straight to the serious relationship talk.  That is usually put off until the three month mark.  I understand not wanting to beat around the bush, but it is a little much all at once in a first conversation.  I know my brutal honesty has been taken as intimidating with some men.  

The guy’s tattoo on the left had me cracking up.  He looks in the mirror every morning and gets a positive message every time, “You’re worth it.”  Can you imagine if a broad got that tattoo above her ass?  HaHa. 

imageWe also have the random married men on there.  They have no shame in their game.  This one in particular laid all his cards out on the table.  He is probably more honest than most men with a ring.  Or maybe his wife really doesn’t know.  Who knows.  It is still a gamble.  I stand firm on the fact that his package picture is nothing appealing to me.  I would much prefer a shirtless picture than that eggplant.  Can you imagine if broads went around posting pictures of them in their underwear showing their camel toes?  Lord, that is a disturbing image!  Ew!  ::Jimmy Fallon, Sara voice::

My surprise came when my one boss came up on my Tinder.  It was slightly awkward.  Do you swipe right, so he is not offended?  Or would he be more offended by you swiping right?  Is that work place sexual harassment?  I made a good joke out of it imageas you see from the screenshot.  He was a good sport about it.  The ironic thing is how many guys do catfish and steal other men’s pictures for their own.  I saw about four or five men posing to be Nick Bateman.  That is the other problem with online sites.  You have no idea if the person you are talking to really matches their pictures they have up on the site until you meet them in person.  I do not know if you blame the superficial world we live in or the narcissistic assholes.

 

 

Tinder: Update 3

imageHow many times have you heard a man detest cats?  I am officially calling bullshit.  There are a lot of men on Tinder holding cats in their pictures.  The amount is kind of shocking.  It seems there are a lot of men who are closet cat lovers.  I also find it funny how many guys have puppies as their front picture or the guy holding the puppy.  It reminds me of the creepy guy with candy luring the kid into their van.  As if, women spread their legs for any dick with a puppy.  

Next, we have the men who think their best side is showing their imagepackages.  I do not care how big a guys dick is if he is a douche bag.  No dick is worth shit if he is an asshole.  How many women would sleep with a guy just because he has a big dick?  Is it the old beauty is only a light switch away idea or throw a brown paper bag over their head?  I do not like dick pix.  I look like the monkey emoji covering its eyes when I receive one.  Dicks, balls, vaginas, and assholes are not cute.image

There is a reason they are called private parts.  They need to stay private.  These guys are putting their hot dogs, bananas, or eggplants out on social media for everyone to see and screenshot.  This David guy is stating he wants something serious, but his picture states the opposite.  He is just writing fluff for what every typical broad wants to hear from a man.  The smart ones would see his big dick bullshit.  His dick also looks like it hooks a little.  Most broads do not want a crooked dick.  If we did want that, we would just sit on our thumbs and rotate.

image

Andrew thought this was his best side for the camera.  Ha.  Oh man.  Tinder is definitely good for some laughs.  It is also sad this is what women have to pick from in the single pond.  It is not very appealing.  Single is more appealing than subjecting yourself to one of these dickimage bags.  I know Tinder is not eHarmony, but it also is not Craigslist.  Tinder works with your Facebook account.  If you only wanted a fuck buddy or a booty call, you still need to treat the person like a human being and not a piece of meat.  A lot of guys and maybe broads too forget that little piece of the puzzle.  There is nothing wrong with just wanting someone to hook up with now and then.  Some people cannot commit to one person, have time for a relationship, or are ready to open themselves up for a relationship.  That does not make them bad people, but it also does not give them the right to degrade someone for sex.  We should all do our part in trying to keep whats between our legs a little classy and something to desire.

 

 

 

Tinder: Update 2

There are a few nice, normal guys on Tinder.  However, the majority seem to be assholes, creeps, pigs and douche bags.  imageimageWho are these women out there allowing these “men” to talk to them in such a degrading, disrespecting manner?!  My girlfriends and I clearly know that it will not be tolerated with us.  Yes, sometimes it is funny and sometimes it is rude.  Who raised these boys?  Why do they think first conversation means they can ask every detail of your sex life?  Who said we wanted to have sex with them?  Did they miss the lesson where we learned that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar? 

imageThese guys may be nice looking, but it does not mean we automatically want to sleep with them.  Swiping right is not the leg opener at least not for most women.  We like to take care of ourselves and our pikachus.  No one likes chipped ham or blown out tires down there.  I have not lost my “sex drive” since walking into the thirties club, but I am much more selective with who gets to water my flower bed.  I would rather go another nine months of no sex than sleep with a dog.  That is one reason I rescued a female puppy.  I hate the red rocket on male dogs.  There are enough creeps running around with their red rockets out that I did not want one in my house.

It truly amazes me that these “men” think talking to a broad like this will prosper them in any way.  They might as well put peanut butter on

image

Eddie the Dickhole’s number please contact him if you’d like slutty sex

their dick and have their dog lick it off.  Because the majority of women are going to tell them to piss off.  The best part is I normally have no problem talking about sex hence this blog, but I do not owe you any details or truth if you are some random creep.  Eddie, the 26 year old creep, thought he could get all the details and names of who I slept with recently.  No sir, you are not privileged to that information.  Did he think coming at me with a tone was going to help sell his case of wanting to get his dick wet in my flower bed?  He asked if my friend I last slept with fucked me good.  I am pretty sure Eddie has more creepy crawlers in his crotch than worrying about my pristine Miss Lucy.  He can fuck off with his Section 8 dick.  

There may be people who do not like apple products.  However, the block feature on iPhone’s is the best thing since spanx.  Keep your head held high and your middle finger higher.  Bye Felicia.

 

Tinder Experiment: Day 4

A lot of these guys must be on Tinder late night style because I wake up to messages a lot.  This broad is imageasleep by 10:00 pm at the latest during the work week.  I cannot function on little to no sleep like I used to in my younger 20’s.  The one creep somehow still was not annoyed by my responses and thought I did not get the concept of flirting or being sexy.  HaHa.  It was more fun being sarcastic and an asshole than coming out and telling him that I couldn’t take him seriously with the hand comments.

Arthur, one of the guys I gave my number to, asked me to grab a drink  after work with him.  I was a little apprehensive since my friends were telling me to take my taser with me.  I guess there are too many stories in the news of messed up situations.  I agreed to meet up with him.  My one friend Melissa was tracking me via the friend finder app on iPhone’s.  Ha.  I do not want my mom knowing about that app.  At the age of 32, she would be tracking me all day, every day.  

The meet and drink went surprisingly well.  I hate those kind of things too.  It is almost like a date. vince-vaughnWEDDING2.jpg.jpg Dating is so nerve racking to me.  It reminds me of Vince Vaughn in ‘Wedding Crashers.’  His explanation of dating is how I feel about it.  After two beers, I felt a little more relaxed.  Arthur reminded me a lot of Jaxon.  He truly was a normal guy.  He had a past to share like we all do.  It was good conversation.  I let him do the majority of the talking which was nice.  I hate feeling like I am talking just to avoid awkward silence.  Arthur walked me to my car like a gentleman.  We hugged and went on our separate ways.

Arthur is a very good looking guy and seems really nice.  I am open to getting to know him more as a person.  I am just unsure if it’s as a friend or more than.  I will always have reservations especially because I do not want to waste someone else’s time or mine.  Maybe the answer is in a kiss.  The only way to tell if there is potential chemistry.  I always think of my friend’s quote, “It’s all in the kiss.  If you don’t get a good kiss, you ain’t getting a good dick.”  

Tinder Experiment: Day 2

I learned what super liked was on Tinder.  It is when you swipe up on a person.  I am guessing people do this in hopes of the other person liking them since it tells that person you super liked them.  You are just hanging on by a thread hoping for that match, so you can have a truly meaningful conversation with them.  Ha.

I did not message one of my matches.  I let them message me first.  I did not do that because I am imagethe female.  I chose the subtle approach because I was still learning how Tinder worked.  A total of nine guys started conversations with me.  Two out of the nine guys ended up being creeps.  They were not being offensive.  They were either using cheesy lines or laughable comments.  I cannot say it was their age either.  One guy was 35 years old and the other was 28 years old.  I just want to know what broads go for these types of guys.  You know someone has to go for it because they clearly think it is a great working angle.  It was hard to take them seriously though.  Ha.

The other guys weren’t too bad and had quite normal conversations with them.  I gave my number to two of the guys.  Another guy happened to be from Pittsburgh and just moved to my area in Florida.  I am slowly catching on to Tinder.  Even a monkey learns from repetition.