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Petri dish Faux Pas

Who has ever had sex with someone who their friend also did?  ::raises hand::  I call that the Petri dish.  We have all been there.  It was typically when we were in high school or college due to slim pickings.  The pond was only so big at that age group.  It was expected to have overlapping dicks and vaginas in friend groups.  However, I am over that age range now.  I am not in lifestyle and I do not like to share.  I was an only child, ya know.  The Petri dish is not for me.  It is even more of a faux pas when you are going after someone who your friend is currently sexing while you are at their house.  

One evening, I had an after party at my house per usual.  I hooked up with Josiah a couple of months ago.  He had a bit of a baggage, hard to navigate situation, so I took the laid back approach with him.  I let him come to me for another round once things settled down for him.  Josiah told me he was coming over.  I was obviously excited.  Everyone loves the opportunity to have sex!  I was sitting at my table and told my best friend, Maya, that he was coming over.  Paisley was also sitting at the table and inquired who I was talking about.  I told Paisley that Josiah was coming over.  Paisley then said something along the lines of, “I’ll gladly take your sloppy seconds of him.”  Maya and I exchanged looks of  “did she just say that?!” with each other.  I knew Paisley was three sheets to the wind but that was awkward as all hell.  I laughed awkwardly and said, “Uhh, okay.”  What do you say to that?  Paisley and I are not best friends, but we are friends.  I do not want to have sex with men who my friends have been with before me.  I did not understand why she was like orphan Annie begging for my food.  I decided to fluff it off my shoulder.  It was better to not dwell on drunken words.

Josiah got to the house.  He was doing heavy PDA.  Maya was not used to seeing this kind of display of a man with me.  She told me to have him heel.  Ha.  I was getting restless.  I would never have sex if I waited for everyone to leave my house.  I said, “Fuck it.”  I grabbed Josiah and retired to my bedroom.  We started ripping off each others clothes as if they were on fire.    

MadeaHallSide Bar–He has a lovely, big dick.  He even knows how to use it.  There is no better feeling than the weight of a man on top of you with a big dick inside of you.  AMEN.  

We were going at it for a while.  I was commanding him to bite me harder while holding my neck tightly.  He came so hard that he shouted out “Fuck” loudly.  We laid there for a little bit and I dozed off.  I woke up and he was not in bed.  I looked on the floor and saw Josiah’s shoes.  He was still there somewhere.  The little nap that I had must have re-energized me because I was ready to go again.  I knew people were still in the house, so instead of waiting for him, I grabbed a toy and went to town on myself.  

I was officially parched.  I threw on my sexy, satan robe to go grab a glass of water.  Keep in mind, I was not wearing my glasses or had contacts in my eyes.  I am blind.  I opened the bedroom door and I swore that I saw Paisley jump away from Josiah on the couch.  The thoughts started flowing in my head, “No, this bitch did not just try getting on him while he was still wearing my pussy juices.  He just had sex with me.  We are in my house.  How desperate is she?  Does she not have any self-respect?  Can she not get her own man?”  However, I reminded myself that maybe it is not what I thought I saw because I couldn’t see clearly.  Josiah said something to me that did not even register.  I responded with, “No, just no.”  I got my glass of water and walked my big ass back to my bedroom.  I was still reeling in my head over what I may or may not have seen in my living room.  I laid down and Josiah came in my room.  He started with a bunch of questions.  I told him what I thought I saw out there.  He said that nothing was going on and seemed shocked that I would even think that of him and her.  I told him what Paisley said earlier in the evening.  He said he would never go there because she was Fred’s ex-girlfriend.  At that point, I was over it.  We went for another round of sex.  Paisley left my house at some point of us rolling around in bed.  

We laid in bed for a while.  I got frisky again and Josiah obliged me by playing with Miss Lucy after he felt how wet I was again.  It had been a while since I got to enjoy the little things like foreplay.  He was playing with my clit to the point that I was begging him to put his fingers inside me.  He gave into my pleas and I was gripping the sheets as if to hold onto the earth.  Josiah surprised me by putting his thumb in me and hitting my G-Spot.  God Damn.  I haven’t had that much fun and enjoyment without ending in sex in a long time.  It was very nice.

We forced ourselves out of bed.  I jumped in the shower to wake up.  We ended up relaxing on the couch for a few more hours.  Josiah told me that Paisley requested him on Facebook and she messaged him on there.  My response was, “Did she ask if your shift was over with me yet?”  I was literally chuckling over this nonsense.  I started thinking that her drunk thoughts were actually her real thoughts.  Her actions were so faux pas.  Josiah laughed at my commentary.  He left my house after 6pm.

I thought he would be the perfect fuck buddy until I heard from a little bird that Paisley had been texting with Josiah all week.  I immediately shut that shit down on my end.  I folded in the card game.  I do not share dick with friends/people who party at my house.  I texted Josiah and PetriDishtold him that I do not do Petri dishes.  It was not for me.  Paisley could truly have my sloppy seconds.  I could always find another man to satisfy me.  I am too old to compete over some dick.  I also made a mental note that Paisley lost her party pass to my house.  I do not want vultures circling the man meat that I invite over to my house for my vagina.  You only get one vagina or dick in your life.  You do not want what is in that Petri dish in or on you.  You cannot go out on Craigslist and buy a new one if you fuck up your parts.  This was a perfect example as to why I have a dish of condoms on my table.  Keep those Petri dishes clean kids.

Love, Obsession, and Desperation

Love inspires many feelings, emotions, actions, regrets, and so on.  Love inspires me to throw up in my mouth.  However, love can turn into obsession and desperation.  This is when it turns into an addictive relationship.  There are both men and women who suffer from it.  I am willing to bet there are many of you thinking of a friend or even yourself that has or had this type of unhealthy addiction to someone.  What makes someone so desperate for another person?  It far surpasses being in love with them.  It loses the loving portion of the relationship.  It has more to do with the psychological need for keeping that other person at any cost to them.  The person is their drug.  You will do anything for the fix.

There have been quite a few of my friends that were in toxic or addictive relationships.  However, you cannot help these types of people break the cycle or get out of the relationship until they see the problem in their own mirror.  You try to support your friends through any choice they make because it is their life and not yours in the end.  It is hard to watch from the stands though.  How many times can you have the same pep talk with a certain friend?  How many times does it take for one couple to break up and get back together to realize that their relationship is like a bad movie on a loop?  It reminds me of Albert Einstein’s quote about insanity.  He said, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

There was one couple I knew where the broad was addicted to the guy.  Lets call them Brad and Angelina.  They dated for several years.  The last few months of their relationship the sex life was non-existent.  Red flag.  Brad broke it off between them.  A normal reaction was to be upset about losing your partner especially after investing years with them.  Angelina had a bad habit of crying in public though.  That was not ideal for anyone.  People crying make others feel awkward.  One movie quote always came to mind, “Are you crying?  Are you crying?  ARE YOU CRYING?  There’s no crying!  THERE’S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!”   It continued for several months.  Brad was off doing him while she was drowning in tears to everyone around her.  He ended up feeling bad and tried to give it another go around with Angelina.  The friends noticed Brad was not himself when he was out with her.  She was a bit of a ‘Debbie Downer.’  That ride on the merry-go-round blew up pretty quick.  Everyone knew that was going to happen.  Angelina started the water works all over again.  She did that for a couple years.  Brad had fooled around, dated, and had another girlfriend while she probably never even slipped onto a different penis.  A year after their last crash and burn, Brad decided to give Angelina another spin around the track.

They were out to dinner with a big group of friends.  She literally had to be touching him through the entire dinner.  His hand.  His leg.  His arm.  It was as if she thought he would disappear into thin air if she let go of him.  Angelina was glued to his hip, petting his arm with her eyes fixated on him.  It reminded me of the crazy, redhead in ‘Wedding Crashers.’  It was pretty clear that she was addicted to Brad.  She never healed her wounds or dependency issues.  She only saw her glass as half empty without him instead of half full.  She only knew how to be a “we” instead of just a “me.”  There was no self-esteem in those thoughts.  If it didn’t work out after several years and a failed first reconciliation, why would it work now?  Can you evolve if you are still stuck on a person?  Are you that desperate for the fix of one human that you are willing to torture yourself all over again?   How many years can you cry over one person?  How much punishment is worth it?  As a friend, you have to sit back and enjoy your bowl of popcorn while it all plays out on the screen again.  Some people need more than a double feature.

An addiction to someone is not healthy which tips the scale and leaves balance behind.  The majority of people want a partner who can mingle and adapt in a social environment.  The opposite would be the types of people who need a babysitter or act as if they are on a leash.  They cannot go too far from you.  Everyone needs time to themselves or time with their own friends.  When you are married with kids, you need time for you, your husband, and your kids.  You cannot be a mom all of the time and neglect yourself and your husband.  People that have this addiction do not understand the rules of balance to healthy relationships.  There has to be balance in a relationship, friendship, marriage, eating, working out, and anything you do in life.  Moderation and balance are the keys to living stress free.

It is hard for me to understand those types of people’s way of thinking in relationships.  I learned a valuable lesson a long time ago that you need to be happy and content with yourself before you can add someone else to your picture frame.  You do not need someone to make you feel complete.  The only person who can truly make you feel whole is yourself.  I feel it goes hand in hand with “me time.”   Indulging in an orgasm with yourself is the most intimate you can be with your Miss Lucy.  That is truly loving yourself.  Once you are happy and love yourself then you are ready for someone to compliment you in your picture and in your vagina.

A relationship is also give and take between two people which includes the bedroom.  I understand that not everyone is confident or dominant in the bedroom.  If you know your counterpart always initiates sex, you should surprise them and take charge now and then.  Take the reins.  Crack the whip (figuratively or literally).  I am sure the results would be more than arousing.  It could be some of the best sex you had as a couple.  Why?  Because someone broke out of their mold and spiced it up.  It is normal to fall into a routine.  It happens to the best of us.  When you realize it, you need to do something to counteract it.  Never be afraid to color outside of the lines with your partner.  Let your mind be open just like your legs.

Clothes Equals Anxiety

How many people actually know what vestiphobia is without looking it up?  I never even knew it was a phobia.  Vestiphobia is a branch off of claustrophobia.  It is when a person feels suffocated by anything on their body.  Clothing especially tighter material triggers anxiety or even a full-blown panic attack.  It goes all the way down to woman’s bra and panties.  Majority of us would think wearing clothes is more of a comfort than being naked.  A lot of people are truly self-conscious about their bodies.  Some of them would be happiest wearing a burqa or maybe a potato sack.  However, if you have vestiphobia, you prefer your birthday suit for all events.

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A coworker of mine at work yesterday had her bra in her hand at the end of the day.  I had a perplexed look on my face.  Kirstie advised me that she is claustrophobic of tight clothes.  I was not sure if she was feeding me a load of bullshit or not.  She told me that she had not worn underwear since before her first day of kindergarten.  I am sure the little boys in school loved looking up her skirt.  They got a peek at her pikachu.  

Kirstie said that anything on her body at any point in a day can cause her to have extreme anxiety that leads right into a panic attack.  It gets to be so bad that she feels like she cannot breathe.  She goes home every day after work and puts on comfortable, loose-fitting clothes.  She feels much more at ease.  I can agree with that.  I love sitting on my couch in my underwear after working all day.  No snail trails though.  That is unacceptable.  Kirstie has a hard time getting through a full work out in the gym because of how her sports bra makes her feel.  She also cannot really handle cuddling because it makes her feel claustrophobic.  Her boyfriend is not a fan of her phobias.  You would think most men would love a girlfriend who preferred being naked and did not want to cuddle.  Kirstie admitted she is okay at being the big spoon.  The little spoon is what makes her feel claustrophobic.  Granted, a broad being the big spoon does not make the middle of the night slip it in sex easy to accomplish.

BdaxSPgCYAAikDxPeople with this phobia might be better suited in a nudist colony.  No shirt.  No shoes.  No problem.  Matthew images (1)McConaughey may even have vestiphobia since he enjoys playing conga drums on the beach in the nude.  I would put vestiphobia in the same category as sexomnia only because not many people have heard of it or experienced it to be able to believe it is real.  The world could be a better place without the restrictions of clothing.  I would venture a guess that people who live near a beach are happier in life wearing swimsuits majority of the time.  It would be less friction, less stress, and less worrying about what you are going to wear each and every day.  

Higher Standards

Sex is an important key player in the game.  It is fun especially when you are young and dumb.  The majority of people do not put sex up on a petal stool.  There are some people who only have sex while in a relationship.  I enjoyed my steady dial-a-dick buddies.  I was never the “relationship driven broad.”  I loved having sex.  My type was typically the meatheads and occassionaly guys that were just really, really, ridiculously good looking.  I didn’t care if they acted like douchebags.  I didn’t care how they treated me as long as I was getting laid at the end of the night.  I’ve learned that there is more to life than that.  ::insert blue steel Derek Zoolander face::

I was out with Aurora and Max one night.  They are such a fun couple to be around.  They do not make you physically ill like some others.  We were out at a bar indulging in some adult beverages when I noticed the bartender was pretty cute.  Aurora noticed that the bartender was checking me out as well.  We were getting ready to bar hop to the next destination.  I was trying to wait for the right moment to make my move when Max told me to hurry it up and get his number already.  There was not going to be a right moment.  I called Mason over to us.  I said, “So are you single or with someone?  Do you want my number?  Or I can get yours?”  He looked flustered for a second and was stumbling for words.  He was fumbling looking for his phone.  Mason could not find his phone, so he wrote his number down on a napkin for me.  He said he was planning on getting mine, but I beat him to the punch.  We texted back and forth for a couple weeks.  

Mason told me he had a little baby girl recently.  The mother and him were not on good terms with each other.  He also added how they bartend at the same bar, but they are now on different shifts.  Not an ideal situation.  I decided to give him a chance depsite his baggage.  We went out for drinks.  I was on my way to meet him when he asked if I could pick him up.  I thought that was odd, but I wanted to hang out with him.  I scooped him up on the way to the restaurant/bar.  His resume got a bit messier.  Mason told me he had two DUI’s and a breathalizer in his car.  He can’t drive and go out for drinks.  Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.  Suprisingly, we hit it off.  I felt very comfortable with him in those few hours that we were talking at the bar.  At the end of the night, I took him home and shared an intense goodnight kiss.  I remembered that it’s all in the kiss.  My interest was truly peaked for Mason.

*Cliff Note Version of the Sexapade*  After a couple of weeks, Mason was coming over my place to hang out.  I was super nervous because I hadn’t had sober sex in a long time. LOL.  It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t great.  He couldn’t keep it going the whole time, so it felt like red light, green light sex.  I got a cramp in my calf.  It was comical.  The following evening he popped by unexpectedly for a redo.  It was way better!  Thank God!  Mason and I would hang out and hook up over the next two months then we went two months of nothing.

Fast forward five months from us first meeting, I randomly texted Mason that my friends and I were going back to my place for an after party.  He actually said he would come over.  He got there and was immediately in a brat mood.  He was mad that I didn’t personally greet him at the door and get him a beer.  Mason was irritated that there were a lot of people there.  He was even more pissy with me when I wouldn’t go to bed with him due to my friends still at my house.  It was to the point of him texting me while inside my house instead of socializing with everyone.  Mason was wanting me to beg him to stay since he was threatening to leave.  His actions were leaving little to be desired.  He ended up leaving and sending a barage of text messages.  I did not respond to any of them.

The old, younger verison of myself would have told him to stay, so I could get laid.  Now, I do not have time for that nonsense or care to spread my legs for douchebag behavior.  One would think with Mason being near forty years old that he’d know how to act like an adult.  I won’t be contacting him again.  sizwqikzcgjyatxpyl7n  I was not looking for anything serious from Mason, but I won’t tolerate someone in my bed that acts like a bratty child.  My moral standards have come a long way unlike my taste in men.  Those skills still need some work.  Keep your head held high and your middle finger higher 😉

 

Dial-A-Dick

I love the term “dial-a-dick.”  Samantha used that term in ‘Sex and The City.’  It is also known as a “fuck buddy.”  Most people have at least one person they can hit up for sex.  Some people may have a few options in their black book.  These types of relationships were with people you trusted and had really good sexual chemistry with at some point.  It may not have been a serious relationship.  It could have been a causal friend you liked to hang out with on occasion.  My black book was not too shabby in my early twenties.  It worked both ways.  They would hit me up or I would hit them up.  It could be early in the evening or late at night.  It was nice having a reliable dick on call.

Cameron and I may have had more feelings involved, but it was nice knowing we were on the same page.  It did not matter what time it was or where we were at the time.  I would typically go to him since my parents house was not ideal for having male companions over.  My house was a last resort for us.  We were notorious for making use of my vehicles.  We had sex in all three of my cars plus my parents Explorer.  The Explorer was nice because we laid the back seat down, but it gave you brush burn.  Ha.  This deal went on a long time between us.  It was always worth it.

Ken and I also had common ground on this subject.  We may not have been in a relationship, but we had amazing sexual chemistry.  We would either message each other on AIM or text each other.  Our code for each other when we were feeling frisky was mentioning that we wanted a cigarette.  I would drive up to the frat or his house to indulge in a camels cigarette then he’d indulge in me.  We took advantage of each other anywhere and everywhere.  The frat’s stairwell and hallway, the bathroom stalls/showers, his porch, our buddy’s porch and pull out couch, or the normal place his bed.  We had a lot of fun in those few years.

I found one the last few months I was in Chicago finally.  Daniel was always at the same local watering hole as me.  He lived by me.  He had a broad that was into him, but he said that they were not dating.  I took him home one time after the bar.  I have to say I was pleasantly surprised with what he had in his pants.  He had decent sized girth.  We went for two rounds that night.  Daniel was ready to hit up one of our mutual friends to come pick him up in the morning.  I got dressed and dropped him off at his house.  I did not want anyone knowing we were sleeping together.  It always would work out better when the least amount of people knew about your business.  Because people love to stick their nose where it does not belong and stir the pot.

I hit Daniel up another time and he just automatically offered to come over before I even asked him to.  We started going at it on my new couch.  We were ripping each other’s clothes off while trying to keep our hands all over each other.  I thought I was finally going to christen the new couch.  He ended the couch fun by moving the sexapade to my bedroom.  It was still amazing sex.  I am just that person who loves to christen new things in my life.  Ha.

Fuck Buddies are pretty much non-existent anymore.  It is hard to find one especially when you move to different states.  It does not help that it is harder to trust people now a days.  You have to be concered with getting an STD or pregnant if your buddy is not honest with you.  Some men are skeptic and think most broads get attached easily to the dick.  It happens.  Some broads do get dickmatized.  The dick can be that good.  The same goes for men though.  The broad could be bat shit crazy and he does not care because he fell into her rabbit hole.  He got lost in Wonderland.  

Just Say No

Some people think the word “no” is mean.  Sometimes the word “no” saves both parties time and energy.  We all have those friends or married friends that try and help us single people out.  Maybe some single people need a little push and shove help.  I am not one of those people.

I was out with one of my married friends for a ‘Sunday Funday.’  We went to grab some food before heading to a beach concert.  We had already been drinking and partying.  The bartender was giving Mila and I the over flow from the frozen drinks he was making other customers.  The gesture from the bartender sparked an idea for Mila and Willam.  They thought it would be a great plan to start a conversation with him.  They found out he was from Pittsburgh like us.  These two thought he was good looking.  They also thought we would be perfect together.  There was one problem with that thought.  He reminded me of my ex-boyfriend Gary.  We all know how much I love the thought of that guy.  ::insert heavy sarcasm::

I tried to explain to them that I did not want his number.  I may be single, but I have fun on the side with someone.  They couldn’t understand why I would want to pass up on this bartender.  The dynamic duo took my phone and put his number in it along with his name.  They proceeded to call him from my phone, so he had my number.  My polite way of trying to say “no” clearly fell on deaf ears.  Carter, the bartender, tried texting me to meet up at the concert.  I was too drunk and had no desire to hang out with him.  He sent me two messages Monday evening.  I was already asleep after he sent the second one.  He assumed that since I did not respond to his first message, an hour previous, that I must have been too drunk to remember him.  My thoughts as I read his two messages on Tuesday morning, “No, asshole I remembered you.  I just did not want to speak with you.”  I responded in a short tone manner.  I made sure to mention that he was coming off as impatient when it came to text messages.  I didn’t hear from him the rest of the week.  I thought I was in the clear since I was trying to make it apparent that I was not into him.

Saturday night arrives of that week.  I went out with my two best guy friends for wings, beer and playoff hockey.  Carter text messaged me asking what I was doing for the night.  Ugh.  My buddies saw the immediate reaction in my face upon looking at the message.  I explained to them the situation.  I responded to his text that I was out with my buddies at Hooters having wings and beer.  That clearly should have been understood that I was out with guy friends.  Carter proceeded to text me that he had an open bar tab at some bar if I wanted to hang out.  My buddies took it upon themselves to try and write a message back to Carter.  We sent a message to him asking if that meant it was for all of us since I wasn’t ditching my friends.  Carter came back with a douche bag response that the bar tab was for him and I only.  At this point, my two guy friends and I were all annoyed with him.  The next message he sent was truly hysterical and perplexing.  He said, “I know you don’t want to hang with me, it is what it is, you’re just gonna have to suck it up.”  Ha.  Carter caught the hint that I was not interested yet he thought that I did not have a choice in the matter?

I was right.  Carter more than resembled my ex-boyfriend Gary.  He also had a douche bag personality like him.  I am not a pro at picking the right men, but I am good at picking up on vibes.  He did not spark anything inside me let alone those good vibes.  His impatient messages and ignorant comments were irritating.  The best part was I realized I recognized him from Tinder.  I swiped left on him.  Ha.  I guess even in a stack of men I knew that he wasn’t a good match for me.  I love Mila and William for having good intentions.  It was heart warming that they care about me, but ain’t nobody got time for all that.  The next time I feel that way I will just say, “No.”  Carter can share his bar tab with another broad because I don’t care to suck anything up besides a drink in a straw. woman-drinking-red-cocktail-horiz_ceuyxz

Tinder: Update 5

I am “Tindered” out in little over a month.  It is clear that online dating sites or applications are not for me.  It was fun in the beginning.  I was just scrolling through a stack of possible men.  There imagewere guys that were good looking, weird, assholes, creeps, and so on.  You truly did not know what you were going to get with each swipe of your finger.  Not as endearing as a box of chocolates.

The problem for me was meeting someone online creates a veil of possible spark.  It seemed there could be interest there, but you were not completely sure since you hadn’t met them in person yet.  You shared pictures and conversation.  It seemed like there could be the ‘Zsa Zsa Zsu.’  It was actually ‘Zsa Zsa Ew.’  I only met three guys out for drinks the whole time I was on Tinder.  The one I previously wrote about which was not a fit for me.  The other one was very good looking and a nice guy, but there was no spark.  The last guy, who asked not to be a part of this, turned out to be very cool.  I wanted to be friends with him.  It worked out well that way.  None of them turned out to be real sparks though.  Which is why I did not have sex with any of them.

imageThe Tinder fairy tale book is closing for now.  I didn’t want to delete the application justimage in case I needed a laugh again.  The notifications are turned off though.  I will stick with the ‘ol fashioned way of meeting men while I am out and about.  It suits me much better.  I give a lot of credit to people who are on these sites really looking for someone because I got tired of it after a month.  Good luck to all you crazy guys and broads looking for tail or love.  I hope you all find your unicorns and white ponies!  God speed.