dating

Tinder: Update 2

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There are a few nice, normal guys on Tinder.  However, the majority seem to be assholes, creeps, pigs and douche bags.  imageimageWho are these women out there allowing these “men” to talk to them in such a degrading, disrespecting manner?!  My girlfriends and I clearly know that it will not be tolerated with us.  Yes, sometimes it is funny and sometimes it is rude.  Who raised these boys?  Why do they think first conversation means they can ask every detail of your sex life?  Who said we wanted to have sex with them?  Did they miss the lesson where we learned that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar? 

imageThese guys may be nice looking, but it does not mean we automatically want to sleep with them.  Swiping right is not the leg opener at least not for most women.  We like to take care of ourselves and our pikachus.  No one likes chipped ham or blown out tires down there.  I have not lost my “sex drive” since walking into the thirties club, but I am much more selective with who gets to water my flower bed.  I would rather go another nine months of no sex than sleep with a dog.  That is one reason I rescued a female puppy.  I hate the red rocket on male dogs.  There are enough creeps running around with their red rockets out that I did not want one in my house.

It truly amazes me that these “men” think talking to a broad like this will prosper them in any way.  They might as well put peanut butter on

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Eddie the Dickhole’s number please contact him if you’d like slutty sex

their dick and have their dog lick it off.  Because the majority of women are going to tell them to piss off.  The best part is I normally have no problem talking about sex hence this blog, but I do not owe you any details or truth if you are some random creep.  Eddie, the 26 year old creep, thought he could get all the details and names of who I slept with recently.  No sir, you are not privileged to that information.  Did he think coming at me with a tone was going to help sell his case of wanting to get his dick wet in my flower bed?  He asked if my friend I last slept with fucked me good.  I am pretty sure Eddie has more creepy crawlers in his crotch than worrying about my pristine Miss Lucy.  He can fuck off with his Section 8 dick.  

There may be people who do not like apple products.  However, the block feature on iPhone’s is the best thing since spanx.  Keep your head held high and your middle finger higher.  Bye Felicia.

 

Tinder Experiment: Day 5 & 6

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There are a lot of younger 20 something guys on Tinder who like themselves an older broad.  I ain’t hating because I’m the older broad.  My last ex boyfriend was seven years younger than me.  A lot of people had something to say about it.  What is that one saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks?”  That may be very true, but you can train a puppy with treats and a newspaper.  I’m just saying.  This cougar has claws now.  Watch out little young pups.  ::wink wink:: 

One of the young studs asked for my snapchat name.  I obliged with his request.  He sends me a lot of shirtless pictures.  I ain’t mad about it.  He is studying to become a firefighter.  We all know how I love a guy in uniform who knows how to use a hose.

imageDay 6 happened to fall on Valentines Day.  I usually loathe that day for many reasons even when I have been in a relationship.  This year was different.  I hadimage friends over my house to play corn hole and beer pong.  I was telling my buddies about my Tinder experiences.  Arthur came up.  My guy friends were not keen on the fact that he was in law enforcement.  Some of us may or may not partake in illegal activities.  ::smiles with halo over head::  

I spent a little more time with Arthur.  I was still on the fence with how I felt about him.  There was something holding me back from doing anything with him besides giving a hug.  I wanted to figure out what that something was before I went any further with him.

 

Tinder Experiment: Day 4

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A lot of these guys must be on Tinder late night style because I wake up to messages a lot.  This broad is imageasleep by 10:00 pm at the latest during the work week.  I cannot function on little to no sleep like I used to in my younger 20’s.  The one creep somehow still was not annoyed by my responses and thought I did not get the concept of flirting or being sexy.  HaHa.  It was more fun being sarcastic and an asshole than coming out and telling him that I couldn’t take him seriously with the hand comments.

Arthur, one of the guys I gave my number to, asked me to grab a drink  after work with him.  I was a little apprehensive since my friends were telling me to take my taser with me.  I guess there are too many stories in the news of messed up situations.  I agreed to meet up with him.  My one friend Melissa was tracking me via the friend finder app on iPhone’s.  Ha.  I do not want my mom knowing about that app.  At the age of 32, she would be tracking me all day, every day.  

The meet and drink went surprisingly well.  I hate those kind of things too.  It is almost like a date. vince-vaughnWEDDING2.jpg.jpg Dating is so nerve racking to me.  It reminds me of Vince Vaughn in ‘Wedding Crashers.’  His explanation of dating is how I feel about it.  After two beers, I felt a little more relaxed.  Arthur reminded me a lot of Jaxon.  He truly was a normal guy.  He had a past to share like we all do.  It was good conversation.  I let him do the majority of the talking which was nice.  I hate feeling like I am talking just to avoid awkward silence.  Arthur walked me to my car like a gentleman.  We hugged and went on our separate ways.

Arthur is a very good looking guy and seems really nice.  I am open to getting to know him more as a person.  I am just unsure if it’s as a friend or more than.  I will always have reservations especially because I do not want to waste someone else’s time or mine.  Maybe the answer is in a kiss.  The only way to tell if there is potential chemistry.  I always think of my friend’s quote, “It’s all in the kiss.  If you don’t get a good kiss, you ain’t getting a good dick.”  

Tinder Experiment: Day 3

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imageI have racked up 27 matches in three days.  How many is too many though?  Tinder reminds me of a game.  Especially when it tells you that you have a match and you can either message them or keep playing.  It also has the slight feeling of speed dating.  The pro would be that you did not actually have to see them in person for the speed round.  You get to swipe through your stack of men at your own pace.  The other nice feature I found on Tinder is the “unmatch” button.  I would assume you use this after you had a conversation with a person.   Or maybe you accidentally swiped right.  In my instance, I would unmatch myself from the two creeps.

There are quite a few men who post pictures that make you feel embarrassed and wonder where their mom is at in their life to hit them upside the head.  I do not care if it is Tinder, Snapchat, or whatever.  You should not be putting your goodies out there for anyone in a 50 mile radius to see.  What ever happened to anticipation?  If you put it all out there for any Jim, Joe, and Bob to see, how do you expect to be treated like a lady or a grown man?  Ain’t nobody want your biscuits and gravy if they think everyone has taken their bread and sopped some up.  

Lezbehonest, there are too many irresponsible, loose legged, red rocket out, type people and STDs now a days.  Some of you should double wrap it up.  Channel your inner booty call.11521311_gal.jpg

Tinder Blamed for STD outbreak last year

 

Tinder Experiment: Day 2

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I learned what super liked was on Tinder.  It is when you swipe up on a person.  I am guessing people do this in hopes of the other person liking them since it tells that person you super liked them.  You are just hanging on by a thread hoping for that match, so you can have a truly meaningful conversation with them.  Ha.

I did not message one of my matches.  I let them message me first.  I did not do that because I am imagethe female.  I chose the subtle approach because I was still learning how Tinder worked.  A total of nine guys started conversations with me.  Two out of the nine guys ended up being creeps.  They were not being offensive.  They were either using cheesy lines or laughable comments.  I cannot say it was their age either.  One guy was 35 years old and the other was 28 years old.  I just want to know what broads go for these types of guys.  You know someone has to go for it because they clearly think it is a great working angle.  It was hard to take them seriously though.  Ha.

The other guys weren’t too bad and had quite normal conversations with them.  I gave my number to two of the guys.  Another guy happened to be from Pittsburgh and just moved to my area in Florida.  I am slowly catching on to Tinder.  Even a monkey learns from repetition.

 

Tinder Experiment: Day 1

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I have said online websites or apps on the phone to meet people are not for me.  I had the idea to write about Tinder because of all the stories I have heard about it.  Yes, there are some friends of mine who have actually ended up in relationships from Tinder.  However, I think there are twenty horror stories to every good one.  

This idea I had though involved me actually downloading the app.  I opened the Tinder app up and had no idea what half the crap was or meant in it.  Yes, I will admit it.  I had to go to the website and read the directions.  Someone super liked me.  I got the notification on my phone.  

::puzzled look on my face::  What in the piss is a super like?  Did they cum in their pants as soon as they saw my picture or just pitch a tent?  Maybe they felt a little tickle under their taint.

I was using the X button for a little bit because I was scared I was going to swipe the wrong way.  All of a sudden, Douche Bag Bill came up on my stack of men cards.  It showed he was 2 miles away.  I was scrolling through his picture selection and a crotch shot popped up.  Oh My God.  Why the piss would you put that on social media?!  Because people like me are going to screen shot that and send it to my friends while laughing my ass off.  If I saw that before I met him, I never would have given him a chance.  I do not care how big of a dick you have if you are a douche bag.  What do you think I did?  Swiped… To the left, to the left!  

Bill was the guy from my ‘One and Done’ post.  I learned back in September last year that someone had his baby.  That meant while he was out screwing me over and all the other broads his baby mama was in another state just sitting around pregnant waiting for him. 

Oh lord, baby Jesus, help me!  Wish me luck!

Dating over the Holidays

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A lot of people love to be with someone for the holidays because they feel too alone without someone.  The holidays are a time for family and friends.  If you have someone, it could be an added bonus in your life.  However, it does not mean you are sad if you do not have someone in your life.

It was so stressful over the holidays with someone.  When I was dating Gary, his mother, the monster, was so hard to work with around the holidays.  My family was thankfully flexible and tried to work their dinner time around his families, so we were able to go to both dinners.  His mother on the other hand wouldn’t budge on time.  His family always left the price tag on all the gifts, so you would know how much they spent on them.  The presents I bought them were always ridiculed.  The best gift I ever saw Gary get was his mom taking his picture frame from the apartment and re-gifting it to him with new photos.  I was dying laughing on the inside.  I hated the holidays with Gary.  It was stressful and did not make me feel good.

The first Christmas Barry and I spent together was another one for the books.  My own family had dwindled to a few of us for that holiday.  I do not remember what led up to it, but Barry’s parents did not have plans for Christmas.  My dad thought it would be nice to extend an invite to our home even though we did not think they would come over.  We all thought wrong.  They came over.  The first time our parents met each other.  His parents also drank a shit ton of beer.  My dad thoughts on the situation were along the lines of, “did that really happen?”  

My past experiences were not ideal.  I have made way better memories without someone in my life around the holidays.  I also do not think you need someone just to have someone for the holiday.  Some people treat finding “a someone” for the holidays as if it were the Christmas sweater they only were one time a year.  You take it out of storage for a couple months and then put it back after the new year is in full swing.  I say leave that sweater in the bottom of your drawer, let your hair down, love yourself, and enjoy time with your framily.

Monistat for Men

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Every woman has had a yeast infection.  They are the worst.  It is very uncomfortable in your pants.  The slight odor is embarrassing.  I wish it did not exist.  Nobody wants to be making bread in-between their legs.  It is an all around horrible part of life.

I have antibiotic pills I take after having sex.  I am prone to getting UTIs after I have sex.  These pills help prevent me from getting one.  I never had any problems with the pills.  I stopped having problems with my vahjayjay until I was dating Peter.

Peter and I were having a lot of sex.  We were having sex multiple times a day, numerous times in a week.  I was taking a pill after every time we had sex.  That is a lot of antibiotics in your system for an extended period of time.  When you are on antibiotics for long periods of time, it can cause yeast infections.  I stopped taking the pills after every time we had sex and tried only taking it once on the days we had sex.  That was eliminating taking multiple pills in a day.  I would still end up with an issue.  I stopped taking the pills all together.  After we had sex, I would jump in the shower and wash off.  I ended up with the same issue again.

I called my OB/GYN.  They advised me to sleep naked.  They also thought eating yogurt would help with the problem.  They asked if I was having sex while I had the infection.  I told them it was a possibility.  They told me that men can get a yeast infection.  Men may not even show any symptoms of having it.  A couple could be passing it back and forth to one another.  A constant wheel of bread making fun.  Lord help us!  The nurse told me I could use Monistat on my boyfriend.  I called Peter and told him to come over my place after he was done with work.

Peter showed up to my place.  He thought he was coming over to have sex.  I told him to come in the bathroom with me.  I explained to him what I needed him to do for me.  He thought I was joking with him.  He found out I was not when I told him to drop his pants.  I had the Monistat cream ready to spread over his dick.  Peter needed to sleep with it on his dick over night.  I wanted to make sure it marinated.  He probably wanted to punch me in the ovaries.  I was about to pull his boxers up when he stopped me.  He asked me to get my hair dryer out.  Peter wanted me to blow dry his dick.  I almost died laughing at him.  He was doing this kind act for me, so I obliged him with his request.  I was sitting on the toilet blow drying his dick with Monistat cream all over it.  That is what you call love.

I Like the Baaaaartender

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Bartenders are a unique breed.  They put up with a lot of shit from intoxicated patrons.  The majority are usually good-looking men and women.   It is an added bonus when you are friends with them.  You make relationships with your bartender.  It also opens some doors for some exciting sex opportunities.

Drew and I broke up right before my birthday in 2008.  He was sweet and still gave me my birthday gifts before I went out for the night.  He did not want to go out for my festivities because he thought it would be too hard on me.  My girlfriends and I were out and about in Southside.  We ended up at one of my favorite new bars.  I was friends with the one bartender who was also the manager there.  Dominic was a gorgeous Puerto Rican.  He had curly hair and big muscles.  Dominic was giving us free shots for my birthday.  He also knew about my recent break-up.  He was helping me drown the sorrows and celebrate.  

It was last call.  The girls were getting ready to leave.  Dominic asked if I wanted to stay and drink while they closed the bar.  It was down to just him and I.  He wanted to grab a six-pack of beer for us to drink at his place.  He asked me to come behind the bar to pick out the beer.  I was looking in the cooler and Dominic picked me up in his arms.  He sat me down on the surface.  It was freezing outside, but it was hot as hell in that bar.  He was pulling my shirt over my head and pushing his crotch into mine.  I told him lets finish this back at his place.  He drove us back to his place and we picked up right where we left off.  Dominic threw me on his bed.  He ripped my pants off.  It was jaw dropping when I saw what he had going on under his jeans.  He was very proportional.  A big dick for a big guy.  A man who could roll his R’s could do anything he wanted to me.  Birthday sex is a great gift.

Another night, I was at Dominic’s bar.  He asked me to stay after close with him.  All of the other employees had left the bar.  He asked me to go downstairs to the office with him.  He thought he forgot something down there.  Dominic was smooth.  He pushed everything off the desk in the office and pulled my pants off.  He picked me up and sat me on the desk.  One of my fantasies was coming to life.  Who hasn’t wanted to have sex on a desk?  He took his pants off.  Dominic was looking at me as if he was about to devour me.  He was harder than nipples out in the cold air.  It was hot and sweaty sex.  He stepped away from me.  He lifted me off the desk and set me on the floor.  Dominic turn me around and bent me over the desk.  He grabbed my hair and pulled my head back as he pounded into me from behind.  Oh good lord!  I was in erotic heaven.

Second Impressions?

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downloadYou never get to make a second first impression.  Everyone hopes people can have an open mind to give someone a second chance.  You hope people do not judge a book by its cover.  The question is can you make a better impression if you get the opportunity for it.

I went out to listen to the band my mother managed.  I had my fake identification to get into the bar.  I was feeling pretty good.  Cameron text messaged me while I was out.  He wanted me to come over his parents house.  He was in town for the weekend.  My mom was kind enough to drop me off at his house.  She said she would pick me up in the morning.  I found him in his recreational room watching TV.  I was drunk and he was frisky.  We went at it like rabbits.  We were having sex on the couch.  He was in the sitting position and I was straddling him.  Cameron moved us to the floor.  He wanted to be in charge of the rhythm.  I loved when he would kiss my neck.  It made me melt under him.  I moved us to the other couch.  I laid him down on his back.  I straddled his stick shift.  He was trying to hold out.  Cameron’s goal was to make it last as long as he could for us.  I am sure it was not an easy task with my big boobs bouncing in his face.  I used to tease him by squeezing my kegel muscles around his dick.  We kept our sex life fun.

For some reason, we put the couch cushions on the floor to sleep on them like a bed.  In the morning, I heard the door open to the downstairs.  Cameron’s mom yelled down that my mom called the house.  Fuck!  His parents had no idea that I came over last night.  My second impression already not off to a good start.  I called my mom from my cell phone.  She was out in the driveway.  I had two choices in front of me.  I could sneak out the back door with my tail between my legs.  The other choice was to walk up the stairs talk to his parents and go out the front door.  I knew after the first impression I could not duck out.  I tried to get Cameron to go upstairs with me.  He was clearly tired and did not want to move at all.  I had to face them alone.  I pulled my hair up in a ponytail and straightened my clothes.  I was trying very hard to not look like a hot mess.  I went upstairs with a smile.  I greeted and talked with his parents.  I thought it went really well given the circumstances.  I went out the front door to get in the car.  My mom looked at me and said, “You better hide that from your father.”  I had no idea what she was talking about.  I pulled down the visor and looked in the mirror.  My second impression officially went down the drain.  There was a huge hickey on my neck.  Fuck!  It was in plain view with my hair pulled up in a ponytail.  I wanted to kill Cameron.

You may get a chance to make a better impression than your first one.  There is also a chance you could make it worse.  I did not have good luck.  I can only imagine what his parents thought of me.  I had a feeling it was not going to stop Cameron and I from seeing each other though.  The most important things I learned from these experiences was to always carry a little mirror in my purse and to avoid see through t-shirts.  Hickeys and nipples visible through your shirt are no way to go through life.