Petri dish Faux Pas

Who has ever had sex with someone who their friend also did?  ::raises hand::  I call that the Petri dish.  We have all been there.  It was typically when we were in high school or college due to slim pickings.  The pond was only so big at that age group.  It was expected to have overlapping dicks and vaginas in friend groups.  However, I am over that age range now.  I am not in lifestyle and I do not like to share.  I was an only child, ya know.  The Petri dish is not for me.  It is even more of a faux pas when you are going after someone who your friend is currently sexing while you are at their house.  

One evening, I had an after party at my house per usual.  I hooked up with Josiah a couple of months ago.  He had a bit of a baggage, hard to navigate situation, so I took the laid back approach with him.  I let him come to me for another round once things settled down for him.  Josiah told me he was coming over.  I was obviously excited.  Everyone loves the opportunity to have sex!  I was sitting at my table and told my best friend, Maya, that he was coming over.  Paisley was also sitting at the table and inquired who I was talking about.  I told Paisley that Josiah was coming over.  Paisley then said something along the lines of, “I’ll gladly take your sloppy seconds of him.”  Maya and I exchanged looks of  “did she just say that?!” with each other.  I knew Paisley was three sheets to the wind but that was awkward as all hell.  I laughed awkwardly and said, “Uhh, okay.”  What do you say to that?  Paisley and I are not best friends, but we are friends.  I do not want to have sex with men who my friends have been with before me.  I did not understand why she was like orphan Annie begging for my food.  I decided to fluff it off my shoulder.  It was better to not dwell on drunken words.

Josiah got to the house.  He was doing heavy PDA.  Maya was not used to seeing this kind of display of a man with me.  She told me to have him heel.  Ha.  I was getting restless.  I would never have sex if I waited for everyone to leave my house.  I said, “Fuck it.”  I grabbed Josiah and retired to my bedroom.  We started ripping off each others clothes as if they were on fire.    

MadeaHallSide Bar–He has a lovely, big dick.  He even knows how to use it.  There is no better feeling than the weight of a man on top of you with a big dick inside of you.  AMEN.  

We were going at it for a while.  I was commanding him to bite me harder while holding my neck tightly.  He came so hard that he shouted out “Fuck” loudly.  We laid there for a little bit and I dozed off.  I woke up and he was not in bed.  I looked on the floor and saw Josiah’s shoes.  He was still there somewhere.  The little nap that I had must have re-energized me because I was ready to go again.  I knew people were still in the house, so instead of waiting for him, I grabbed a toy and went to town on myself.  

I was officially parched.  I threw on my sexy, satan robe to go grab a glass of water.  Keep in mind, I was not wearing my glasses or had contacts in my eyes.  I am blind.  I opened the bedroom door and I swore that I saw Paisley jump away from Josiah on the couch.  The thoughts started flowing in my head, “No, this bitch did not just try getting on him while he was still wearing my pussy juices.  He just had sex with me.  We are in my house.  How desperate is she?  Does she not have any self-respect?  Can she not get her own man?”  However, I reminded myself that maybe it is not what I thought I saw because I couldn’t see clearly.  Josiah said something to me that did not even register.  I responded with, “No, just no.”  I got my glass of water and walked my big ass back to my bedroom.  I was still reeling in my head over what I may or may not have seen in my living room.  I laid down and Josiah came in my room.  He started with a bunch of questions.  I told him what I thought I saw out there.  He said that nothing was going on and seemed shocked that I would even think that of him and her.  I told him what Paisley said earlier in the evening.  He said he would never go there because she was Fred’s ex-girlfriend.  At that point, I was over it.  We went for another round of sex.  Paisley left my house at some point of us rolling around in bed.  

We laid in bed for a while.  I got frisky again and Josiah obliged me by playing with Miss Lucy after he felt how wet I was again.  It had been a while since I got to enjoy the little things like foreplay.  He was playing with my clit to the point that I was begging him to put his fingers inside me.  He gave into my pleas and I was gripping the sheets as if to hold onto the earth.  Josiah surprised me by putting his thumb in me and hitting my G-Spot.  God Damn.  I haven’t had that much fun and enjoyment without ending in sex in a long time.  It was very nice.

We forced ourselves out of bed.  I jumped in the shower to wake up.  We ended up relaxing on the couch for a few more hours.  Josiah told me that Paisley requested him on Facebook and she messaged him on there.  My response was, “Did she ask if your shift was over with me yet?”  I was literally chuckling over this nonsense.  I started thinking that her drunk thoughts were actually her real thoughts.  Her actions were so faux pas.  Josiah laughed at my commentary.  He left my house after 6pm.

I thought he would be the perfect fuck buddy until I heard from a little bird that Paisley had been texting with Josiah all week.  I immediately shut that shit down on my end.  I folded in the card game.  I do not share dick with friends/people who party at my house.  I texted Josiah and PetriDishtold him that I do not do Petri dishes.  It was not for me.  Paisley could truly have my sloppy seconds.  I could always find another man to satisfy me.  I am too old to compete over some dick.  I also made a mental note that Paisley lost her party pass to my house.  I do not want vultures circling the man meat that I invite over to my house for my vagina.  You only get one vagina or dick in your life.  You do not want what is in that Petri dish in or on you.  You cannot go out on Craigslist and buy a new one if you fuck up your parts.  This was a perfect example as to why I have a dish of condoms on my table.  Keep those Petri dishes clean kids.


Fluffers are known as the guys who get male porn stars ready for the camera action.  My definition is similar.  Fluffers are people who get another person all amped up for play, but they never act on it.  Fluffers are frustrating.  What is the point in playing the fluffing game?  Time is priceless.  I do not care to waste my time talking about sexing someone if it is not going to happen.  I would rather indulge in me time than fluff someone.

There are five guys that come to mind for me.  One of the guys, we did heavy petting once at my place.  It was so hot.  However, he never ended up coming over again to cross the finishline.  He told me that he regretted it after I moved away.  A year and a half went by of texting and snap chatting with one another.  I was back in town for one weekend.  In typical fashion, he did not have any follow through for us.  Why the fluff? 

Three of the guys were here in Florida.  It must be a common style in the sunshine state.  Two out of the three of them nothing ever happened between us.  There were many words used.  Numerous attempts to try and meet up.  Many promises of wanting to be naked.  Do people get their rocks off by teasing and never doing anything?  Teasing is all good and fun when you get that prize in the end.  That would be like masterbating and then stopping right before you orgasm.  ::blank stare::

downloadAfter a month or so, I realized it was not worth my time.  If I wanted to get myself excited, I would get my own orgasm.  I do not need some guy trying to fluff me up and not get mine in the end.  If I wanted to have fluff, I would eat it out of a jar.


Fetishes can be fun, freaky or creepy.  There are some things I know I could never do with someone.  A Tahitian face mask or a hot Carl are a couple of things I could never and would never want to do.  Snowballing is another act that makes me want to dry heave let alone eating someone’s truffle butter.  That is a whole other level of fucked up for me.

My one girlfriend, Maxine, was dating this guy for a little while.  She really liked him.  He seemed like good people.  Her and I were out at a bar one night.  She told me that her boyfriend asked her to do something sexual to him that she thought was weird.  I was intrigued.  Maxine told me her boyfriend asked her to give him a foot job.  I looked at her with that “What the fuck” face.  I asked if she literally meant jerking him off with her feet instead of her hands.  She nodded.  She said she felt awkward and uncomfortable.  I mean lezbehonest that is not a normal position to have your legs and feet in while doing a

Again, no judgment.  However, I hate feet.  Feet freak me out.  I do not want to use my feet on some dude’s dick.  That sends chills down me.  So many levels of just ‘No.’  The thought of some dude getting his jollies off to my feet makes me sick.  Tell those Rex Ryan’s of America to keep the piss away from your feet.

21st Birthday Gift

images (2)My 21st birthday is why I cannot smell whiskey let alone drink it.  Everyone has certain expectations what it will be like to finally be able to legally drink in a bar.  I went out with a handful of my Beta guy friends and few of my Pitt girlfriends in Oakland late in the evening.  It was my birthday at the stroke of midnight.  Everyone was buying shots for me, so I did not get to pick what kind of alcohol.  I did a total of nineteen shots that evening.  I did not remember anything after shot number fourteen that was Jack Daniels.  The guys carried me out of the bar and put me into the car.  I crashed at their place.

The next day was my actual birthday.  I was dead.  I was barely able to drive home.  I had thrown up the night before.  I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.  I slept all day at my house.  I was going out to Touch, a club in the Strip District, with some of my friends from high school.  I pulled myself together and went out.  I had half of a beer and felt like I wanted to die all over again.  I called my mom to pick me up to go home.  I was at home watching TV in comfy clothes.  Ken text messaged me asking how my birthday.  I told him what happened and that I was at home.  He asked me if I wanted to come over his place to get my birthday gift.  I got the biggest smile across my face.  Yes, please.  I told him I would be over soon.

I got to Ken’s house and we sat on the porch for a little bit.  We went inside and up to his room.  It started out like normal foreplay between us.  I was laying down on my back while he was showing my Miss Lucy some attention.  He pulled himself up on top of me and pushed my legs a part further.  I was so ready for birthday sex.  However, the next feeling I felt was not his dick.  I did not know what was going on or trying to go in me, but I was in pain.  I sat up and let out a yelp in pain.  I sternly said to Ken, “What in the fuck are you trying to do to me?!”  He replied, “Madison said she loved it, so I wanted to try it on you.”  Madison was a mutual good friend of ours.  She was dating his friend, Luke.  Ken attempted to fist me.  I do not judge what some people like as their strokes, but that shit was not for me.  My poor pikachu was almost torn a part by his big hands.  I asked Ken if we could take five and then have our regular, fun sex.  He nodded in agreement.  Thank God!

God bless any woman who likes to get fisted.  It felt like someone was trying to shove a baby in my pikachu and break my vagina bones in the process.  Lord have mercy.  I am not a vanilla broad in bed by any means, but I would like my vagina to not turn into muff cabbage.

Try-Sexual with a Frat Boy

I used to do modeling and modeling competitions.  However, the thought of having sex in front of a mirror frightened the hell out of me.  Who would think that someone who modeled wouldn’t want to see themselves naked?  Who would think a samtrymodel could be self-conscious?  When I met Ken, he helped me to be more confident in my own skin.

It was in September of 2003.  Will invited me to his college frat party.  This college was known to be a smart school.  I never thought a party would be fun there.  I decided to go and check it out.  I was shocked that it really was a frat party with lots of alcohol and good-looking men.  Will introduced me to Ken.  I can remember this evening well down to what I was wearing and what he was wearing at the party.  He was tall, muscular, brown hair, nice hard jaw line and made you go weak in the knees.  I could barely talk.  It is not often someone leaves me speechless.  Little did I know, this encounter would be the most innocent one we had together.

I found myself partying a lot there.  Will had a party at his house.  We stayed there together on a pull out couch.  It was PG-13.  We only fooled around.  I started staying over night in his room at the frat house.  The rooms were designed to get the most efficiency out of them.  Each room had two people living in them.  It had space for a desk for two people.  It had two tall closets.  There was a kind of loft space with a futon and TV area.  The sleeping area was under the loft.  They were spilt into two caves.  It was big enough for a single mattress on the floor and a curtain.  Ken had his cave decorated with blue rope lights and mirrors on the wall.  Attention K-Mart shoppers, we have a blue light special.  I was very apprehensive of crawling into the cave not to mention those mirrors.  I never wanted to see me in them.  Ken told me how beautiful I was and that I should not be scared to look in the mirror.  He got me to look the mirror while we were having sex.  I never knew how much of a turn on it was to see yourself having sex.  It was hot.  Maybe it was because Ken was so ridiculously good-looking.  He even got me to try out the infamous sixty-nine position.  I was always nervous about having my Miss Lucy all up close and personal with someone’s face.  Ken nudged me into looking in the mirror for this position as well.  I loved everything about this new high.

7a018038fe4de2826bec3f4d22a7397bThere were a handful of times he got me to step out of my comfort zone in the frat house.  One time, I sat him down in a chair in the hallway and pulled his pants down.  I kindly got on my knees to do a job for him.  He obviously had no objections to that job.  I think guys get high-fived for this sort of thing in frats.  Another time, we had sex in the bathroom.  The bathrooms in the frats are not as private as you would think.  The bathroom stalls had doors, but the shower stalls did not have doors.  We started out having sex in the shower and then moved inside the bathroom stall.  It was the ‘I have to have you right now’ kind of sex.  The other time, we were in the stairwell.  It was such a rush doing sexual activities where we could get caught.  I did not even care if someone saw us.  It turned me on more thinking someone would stumble upon us.

Ken finally moved out of the frat house and only a couple of houses down from Will.  We were at a party at Will’s house.  Ken and I went outside for a cigarette.  We were chilling on the couch on the porch.  I had a shit eaten grin on my face.  He knew I was up to something fun.  I unzipped his pants and started sucking him off.  He enjoyed the spontaneous sex adventures as much as I did.  It was so much fun having someone to get me out of my shell.

Our code text to each other was about wanting a cigarette which meant come over for sex.  We would have a cigarette before and after we had sex.  We fooled around on his porch as well.  We would start having sex in his room and move it to the shower.  One night, we played a game.  I let him use objects that he had on the second floor in this game.  The game was using these objects to stick inside of me.  I cannot remember every object he used on me since we were drinking that night.  I do remember he tried a cardboard paper towel tube and the handle of a vibrating toothbrush.  It was a silly game, but we had fun with it.

This on and off again fling we had went on for a few years.  I was a try-sexual with him.  He got me to open up and blossom in my sex life.  We had a lot of amazing sex.  Before I met him, I could never imagine doing half of those activities.  It was fun stepping out of my comfort zone.  I loved becoming confident without clothes on.  Ken graduated from college and stuck around in Pittsburgh for a little while.  He ended up moving to L.A.  We continued sexting over the years when we were both single.  I am sure there are plenty of people who could not imagine doing sexual acts where they could get caught by someone.  There are probably even more people who would never play a game like we did.  The question should not be “Why?”  The question should be “Why Not?”

Funny but Bad Luck

A good friend of mine from college always got herself into an awkward sexual situation.  Tiffany was such a sweet girl with good intentions.  She did like to partake in college parties and muckery.  Tiffany was usually the voice of reason out of all of us.  There are three stories of hers that always made me laugh.

Tiffany’s first time having sex was not the normal awkward situation.  It was summer time and she just graduated high school.  She was at a cabin party.  She had liked Brett since the seventh grade.  After five years, they were finally going to have sex.  He unfortunately was not a boy scout and did not come prepared for the occasion.  He did not have a condom.  He ran down to the kitchen to see what he could find for the situation.  It was almost like he took a page out of the movie ‘Booty Call.’  Brett found saran wrap.  He wrapped it around his dick like a condom.  Poor Tiffany had no clue what to do, so she went along with it.  Her first time was like she was being stuffed and wrapped as lefts overs to be put away in the fridge.

saran 2

All of us girls went to a college party off campus one night.  Andrew went up to Tiffany and told her to come outside with him.  He told her he had some weed to smoke.  She follows him outside the house.  Andrew went and stood by a tree.  She asked him where was the weed, so they could smoke it.  He reached down as if to go into his pocket.  Instead of reaching into his pocket, Andrew unzipped his pants and pulled his dick out.  Tiffany shrieked.  She said, “Oh my god!  That’s not weed!”  He thought he would get a blow job.  He forgot that Tiffany was not like that.  She wanted to puff on his weed not his peter puffer.  It ended with her running back into the house and telling us what happened.

A few of us ladies took a road trip to see my friends Cameron and Alex at their college.  We all went out drinking at the bars and went back to the guys’ house.  I wanted to hook Tiffany up with Alex.  I kind of nudged her into his room.  I went up to bed with Cameron.  Tiffany started fooling around with Alex.  He took her bra off and a piece of gum fell out.  She completely forgot that she put a piece of gum in her bra for later.  They both stopped and looked at it.  Alex then pulled his dick out and told her to suck it.  Tiffany did not find this very persuasive.  She told him she did not want to do the job for him.  He put on a porno and started jerking himself off in front of her.  She stayed in the room while he did it, so she had a place to sleep.  Alex did his thing with no shame.  Once again, Tiffany found herself in the twilight zone of awkward sexual situations.  She told us about it on the way home.  We never laughed so hard.