Snap Thirst

It’s probably safe to say that we all know what SnapChat is, right? I finally caved in and img_7080downloaded it when I was living in Chicago and fresh out of my relationship with Peter. It was fun sending quick pictures to friends and guys. You got to pick how long the picture was available and then POOF. Its gone. Where did it go? Was it up in the cloud? Was it with Carmen San Diego? It’s a mystery that no one may ever solve.

Well remember good ol Josiah and Paisley?  Apparently, they tripped into a relationship in less than two months time despite his baggage.  I hadn’t heard from Paisley since the night she tried to get on Josiah on my couch in my house after he just finished with me.  I was surprised to learn that since he had hit me up periodically for sex the past couple of months.  Interesting.  I had no idea.  It didn’t surprise me since he was the “baby, babe, bae everything” type of guy to any broad he set his attention on.  There are those broads that eat that shit up instead of seeing it as basic.

I left work the other day for a doctors appointment.  Josiah started messaging me on SnapChat.  He wanted me to meet him for lunch which turned into him wanting to meet me at my house.  The tides were turning.  I advised him that I had to go back into work. He started begging me to not go back to work because he really wanted to see me.  I told him that some of us have to work to pay the mortgage.  No magic bill paying fairies here. (If you see one, please send em my way).  He was wanting to come over and fuck.  He was laying it on thick.  Josiah started calling me via SnapChat.  I hit ignore.  I asked why he was calling me that way when he had my number.  I then asked him if it was so Paisley wouldn’t see that he was blowing me up.  He laughed it off.  Josiah wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. He was very pretty though.  I reminded him about my decision to walk away from him because I don’t fuck around in Petri dishes.  Homie don’t play that.  I told him we were friends and nothing more.  He flipped his script to, “I want to come over and watch a movie with you.” Psssssh boy who you kiddin. You know damn well he didn’t want to watch no damn movie.  Everyone knows that code phrase.

If he still wanted to hang out after I got out of work, I decided that we would discuss it then.  I truly thought he would get over this “want” he had for me in that timeframe.  I was never more wrong.  He kept messaging me to hurry up.  He was asking what movie that I wanted to watch with him.  Josiah wanted to bring over wine and pizza. He started referring to himself as “daddy.”  This was the moment that I started dying laughing.  The thirst was real.  I brought up Paisley once again to him. Josiah went on to tell me that they were no longer together due to her baby daddy coming back into the picture. He went as far to say that he hadn’t even had sex in a few weeks. I had no real way to verify any of it since I removed her from my social media after her stunt in my house.

Josiah spent a total of TEN AND A HALF HOURS relentlessly begging me.  Noon until 10:30 in the evening.  He finally gave up when I said a hard “no.”  Do not get it twisted, he was breaking me down to the point that I could have caved into him.  There was one issue with that though.  I was not sure if it was more of me wanting to show Paisley that I could have him or if I really just wanted a hug… with his penis.. in my vagina.  It was a toss-up.  I mean lezbehonest, they always come back to me. ::wink, wink::

I shared this nonsense with my friends.  A few of them wanted me to be the bigger person and tell Paisley.  I wanted to tell her to go fuck her man, so he stopped begging me for it.  I was told that was too harsh.  The problem would be getting proof. Most people especially broads want something that they can see because they want to hold onto the glimmer of hope someone was lying to them. SnapChat alerts the other person if you screenshot the chat or picture. I was with my girl Taena at the time. We started brainstorming on how to get around a screenshot, so Josiah wouldn’t know he was going to get busted. Light bulb. I had the conversation up on my phone while Taena took a picture of it with her phone. ::high five:: Now I had proof to use… Alright, I caved img_7082in and did exactly what my img_6746friends wanted which was to text her.  I gave her the full story.  I really had no sympathy for her.  As we learned from Ludacris, “Can’t turn a hoe into a housewife, hoes don’t act right.”  Josiah had a lot of baggage.  Paisley tried to fuck him in my house immediately after me.  She jumped into it with him following that encounter.  What did she expect?  Did she really think she found her prince when in actuality she got a bufo toad?  However, the story doesn’t end the way that we all thought it would.  Paisley ignored what I told her and had him remove me from all social media.  Ha.  That’ll keep a dog from straying… said no one ever.  

Five days later, they were professing their love on social media for all to see.   Paisley img_7081bragging how lucky she was to have him.  Why the facade?  The man was married despite being recently separated and creeping behind your back.  Why not say nothing on social media and deal with your dirty laundry in the laundry room than pretending you weren’t washing out skid marks?

The rest of us who know these types of truths are not jealous.  We are sitting back laughing with the others as we sip our tea.  Ladies out there, always remember your self-worth.  If you do not respect yourself, no one will.  Never settle for the poisonous toad.  Bufo frogs make your dogs foam from the mouth.  Can you imagine what they do to your vagina?!

Petri dish Faux Pas

Who has ever had sex with someone who their friend also did?  ::raises hand::  I call that the Petri dish.  We have all been there.  It was typically when we were in high school or college due to slim pickings.  The pond was only so big at that age group.  It was expected to have overlapping dicks and vaginas in friend groups.  However, I am over that age range now.  I am not in lifestyle and I do not like to share.  I was an only child, ya know.  The Petri dish is not for me.  It is even more of a faux pas when you are going after someone who your friend is currently sexing while you are at their house.  

One evening, I had an after party at my house per usual.  I hooked up with Josiah a couple of months ago.  He had a bit of a baggage, hard to navigate situation, so I took the laid back approach with him.  I let him come to me for another round once things settled down for him.  Josiah told me he was coming over.  I was obviously excited.  Everyone loves the opportunity to have sex!  I was sitting at my table and told my best friend, Maya, that he was coming over.  Paisley was also sitting at the table and inquired who I was talking about.  I told Paisley that Josiah was coming over.  Paisley then said something along the lines of, “I’ll gladly take your sloppy seconds of him.”  Maya and I exchanged looks of  “did she just say that?!” with each other.  I knew Paisley was three sheets to the wind but that was awkward as all hell.  I laughed awkwardly and said, “Uhh, okay.”  What do you say to that?  Paisley and I are not best friends, but we are friends.  I do not want to have sex with men who my friends have been with before me.  I did not understand why she was like orphan Annie begging for my food.  I decided to fluff it off my shoulder.  It was better to not dwell on drunken words.

Josiah got to the house.  He was doing heavy PDA.  Maya was not used to seeing this kind of display of a man with me.  She told me to have him heel.  Ha.  I was getting restless.  I would never have sex if I waited for everyone to leave my house.  I said, “Fuck it.”  I grabbed Josiah and retired to my bedroom.  We started ripping off each others clothes as if they were on fire.    

MadeaHallSide Bar–He has a lovely, big dick.  He even knows how to use it.  There is no better feeling than the weight of a man on top of you with a big dick inside of you.  AMEN.  

We were going at it for a while.  I was commanding him to bite me harder while holding my neck tightly.  He came so hard that he shouted out “Fuck” loudly.  We laid there for a little bit and I dozed off.  I woke up and he was not in bed.  I looked on the floor and saw Josiah’s shoes.  He was still there somewhere.  The little nap that I had must have re-energized me because I was ready to go again.  I knew people were still in the house, so instead of waiting for him, I grabbed a toy and went to town on myself.  

I was officially parched.  I threw on my sexy, satan robe to go grab a glass of water.  Keep in mind, I was not wearing my glasses or had contacts in my eyes.  I am blind.  I opened the bedroom door and I swore that I saw Paisley jump away from Josiah on the couch.  The thoughts started flowing in my head, “No, this bitch did not just try getting on him while he was still wearing my pussy juices.  He just had sex with me.  We are in my house.  How desperate is she?  Does she not have any self-respect?  Can she not get her own man?”  However, I reminded myself that maybe it is not what I thought I saw because I couldn’t see clearly.  Josiah said something to me that did not even register.  I responded with, “No, just no.”  I got my glass of water and walked my big ass back to my bedroom.  I was still reeling in my head over what I may or may not have seen in my living room.  I laid down and Josiah came in my room.  He started with a bunch of questions.  I told him what I thought I saw out there.  He said that nothing was going on and seemed shocked that I would even think that of him and her.  I told him what Paisley said earlier in the evening.  He said he would never go there because she was Fred’s ex-girlfriend.  At that point, I was over it.  We went for another round of sex.  Paisley left my house at some point of us rolling around in bed.  

We laid in bed for a while.  I got frisky again and Josiah obliged me by playing with Miss Lucy after he felt how wet I was again.  It had been a while since I got to enjoy the little things like foreplay.  He was playing with my clit to the point that I was begging him to put his fingers inside me.  He gave into my pleas and I was gripping the sheets as if to hold onto the earth.  Josiah surprised me by putting his thumb in me and hitting my G-Spot.  God Damn.  I haven’t had that much fun and enjoyment without ending in sex in a long time.  It was very nice.

We forced ourselves out of bed.  I jumped in the shower to wake up.  We ended up relaxing on the couch for a few more hours.  Josiah told me that Paisley requested him on Facebook and she messaged him on there.  My response was, “Did she ask if your shift was over with me yet?”  I was literally chuckling over this nonsense.  I started thinking that her drunk thoughts were actually her real thoughts.  Her actions were so faux pas.  Josiah laughed at my commentary.  He left my house after 6pm.

I thought he would be the perfect fuck buddy until I heard from a little bird that Paisley had been texting with Josiah all week.  I immediately shut that shit down on my end.  I folded in the card game.  I do not share dick with friends/people who party at my house.  I texted Josiah and PetriDishtold him that I do not do Petri dishes.  It was not for me.  Paisley could truly have my sloppy seconds.  I could always find another man to satisfy me.  I am too old to compete over some dick.  I also made a mental note that Paisley lost her party pass to my house.  I do not want vultures circling the man meat that I invite over to my house for my vagina.  You only get one vagina or dick in your life.  You do not want what is in that Petri dish in or on you.  You cannot go out on Craigslist and buy a new one if you fuck up your parts.  This was a perfect example as to why I have a dish of condoms on my table.  Keep those Petri dishes clean kids.

Higher Standards

Sex is an important key player in the game.  It is fun especially when you are young and dumb.  The majority of people do not put sex up on a petal stool.  There are some people who only have sex while in a relationship.  I enjoyed my steady dial-a-dick buddies.  I was never the “relationship driven broad.”  I loved having sex.  My type was typically the meatheads and occassionaly guys that were just really, really, ridiculously good looking.  I didn’t care if they acted like douchebags.  I didn’t care how they treated me as long as I was getting laid at the end of the night.  I’ve learned that there is more to life than that.  ::insert blue steel Derek Zoolander face::

I was out with Aurora and Max one night.  They are such a fun couple to be around.  They do not make you physically ill like some others.  We were out at a bar indulging in some adult beverages when I noticed the bartender was pretty cute.  Aurora noticed that the bartender was checking me out as well.  We were getting ready to bar hop to the next destination.  I was trying to wait for the right moment to make my move when Max told me to hurry it up and get his number already.  There was not going to be a right moment.  I called Mason over to us.  I said, “So are you single or with someone?  Do you want my number?  Or I can get yours?”  He looked flustered for a second and was stumbling for words.  He was fumbling looking for his phone.  Mason could not find his phone, so he wrote his number down on a napkin for me.  He said he was planning on getting mine, but I beat him to the punch.  We texted back and forth for a couple weeks.  

Mason told me he had a little baby girl recently.  The mother and him were not on good terms with each other.  He also added how they bartend at the same bar, but they are now on different shifts.  Not an ideal situation.  I decided to give him a chance depsite his baggage.  We went out for drinks.  I was on my way to meet him when he asked if I could pick him up.  I thought that was odd, but I wanted to hang out with him.  I scooped him up on the way to the restaurant/bar.  His resume got a bit messier.  Mason told me he had two DUI’s and a breathalizer in his car.  He can’t drive and go out for drinks.  Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.  Suprisingly, we hit it off.  I felt very comfortable with him in those few hours that we were talking at the bar.  At the end of the night, I took him home and shared an intense goodnight kiss.  I remembered that it’s all in the kiss.  My interest was truly peaked for Mason.

*Cliff Note Version of the Sexapade*  After a couple of weeks, Mason was coming over my place to hang out.  I was super nervous because I hadn’t had sober sex in a long time. LOL.  It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t great.  He couldn’t keep it going the whole time, so it felt like red light, green light sex.  I got a cramp in my calf.  It was comical.  The following evening he popped by unexpectedly for a redo.  It was way better!  Thank God!  Mason and I would hang out and hook up over the next two months then we went two months of nothing.

Fast forward five months from us first meeting, I randomly texted Mason that my friends and I were going back to my place for an after party.  He actually said he would come over.  He got there and was immediately in a brat mood.  He was mad that I didn’t personally greet him at the door and get him a beer.  Mason was irritated that there were a lot of people there.  He was even more pissy with me when I wouldn’t go to bed with him due to my friends still at my house.  It was to the point of him texting me while inside my house instead of socializing with everyone.  Mason was wanting me to beg him to stay since he was threatening to leave.  His actions were leaving little to be desired.  He ended up leaving and sending a barage of text messages.  I did not respond to any of them.

The old, younger verison of myself would have told him to stay, so I could get laid.  Now, I do not have time for that nonsense or care to spread my legs for douchebag behavior.  One would think with Mason being near forty years old that he’d know how to act like an adult.  I won’t be contacting him again.  sizwqikzcgjyatxpyl7n  I was not looking for anything serious from Mason, but I won’t tolerate someone in my bed that acts like a bratty child.  My moral standards have come a long way unlike my taste in men.  Those skills still need some work.  Keep your head held high and your middle finger higher 😉

 

Fluffers

Fluffers are known as the guys who get male porn stars ready for the camera action.  My definition is similar.  Fluffers are people who get another person all amped up for play, but they never act on it.  Fluffers are frustrating.  What is the point in playing the fluffing game?  Time is priceless.  I do not care to waste my time talking about sexing someone if it is not going to happen.  I would rather indulge in me time than fluff someone.

There are five guys that come to mind for me.  One of the guys, we did heavy petting once at my place.  It was so hot.  However, he never ended up coming over again to cross the finishline.  He told me that he regretted it after I moved away.  A year and a half went by of texting and snap chatting with one another.  I was back in town for one weekend.  In typical fashion, he did not have any follow through for us.  Why the fluff? 

Three of the guys were here in Florida.  It must be a common style in the sunshine state.  Two out of the three of them nothing ever happened between us.  There were many words used.  Numerous attempts to try and meet up.  Many promises of wanting to be naked.  Do people get their rocks off by teasing and never doing anything?  Teasing is all good and fun when you get that prize in the end.  That would be like masterbating and then stopping right before you orgasm.  ::blank stare::

downloadAfter a month or so, I realized it was not worth my time.  If I wanted to get myself excited, I would get my own orgasm.  I do not need some guy trying to fluff me up and not get mine in the end.  If I wanted to have fluff, I would eat it out of a jar.

Dial-A-Dick

I love the term “dial-a-dick.”  Samantha used that term in ‘Sex and The City.’  It is also known as a “fuck buddy.”  Most people have at least one person they can hit up for sex.  Some people may have a few options in their black book.  These types of relationships were with people you trusted and had really good sexual chemistry with at some point.  It may not have been a serious relationship.  It could have been a causal friend you liked to hang out with on occasion.  My black book was not too shabby in my early twenties.  It worked both ways.  They would hit me up or I would hit them up.  It could be early in the evening or late at night.  It was nice having a reliable dick on call.

Cameron and I may have had more feelings involved, but it was nice knowing we were on the same page.  It did not matter what time it was or where we were at the time.  I would typically go to him since my parents house was not ideal for having male companions over.  My house was a last resort for us.  We were notorious for making use of my vehicles.  We had sex in all three of my cars plus my parents Explorer.  The Explorer was nice because we laid the back seat down, but it gave you brush burn.  Ha.  This deal went on a long time between us.  It was always worth it.

Ken and I also had common ground on this subject.  We may not have been in a relationship, but we had amazing sexual chemistry.  We would either message each other on AIM or text each other.  Our code for each other when we were feeling frisky was mentioning that we wanted a cigarette.  I would drive up to the frat or his house to indulge in a camels cigarette then he’d indulge in me.  We took advantage of each other anywhere and everywhere.  The frat’s stairwell and hallway, the bathroom stalls/showers, his porch, our buddy’s porch and pull out couch, or the normal place his bed.  We had a lot of fun in those few years.

I found one the last few months I was in Chicago finally.  Daniel was always at the same local watering hole as me.  He lived by me.  He had a broad that was into him, but he said that they were not dating.  I took him home one time after the bar.  I have to say I was pleasantly surprised with what he had in his pants.  He had decent sized girth.  We went for two rounds that night.  Daniel was ready to hit up one of our mutual friends to come pick him up in the morning.  I got dressed and dropped him off at his house.  I did not want anyone knowing we were sleeping together.  It always would work out better when the least amount of people knew about your business.  Because people love to stick their nose where it does not belong and stir the pot.

I hit Daniel up another time and he just automatically offered to come over before I even asked him to.  We started going at it on my new couch.  We were ripping each other’s clothes off while trying to keep our hands all over each other.  I thought I was finally going to christen the new couch.  He ended the couch fun by moving the sexapade to my bedroom.  It was still amazing sex.  I am just that person who loves to christen new things in my life.  Ha.

Fuck Buddies are pretty much non-existent anymore.  It is hard to find one especially when you move to different states.  It does not help that it is harder to trust people now a days.  You have to be concered with getting an STD or pregnant if your buddy is not honest with you.  Some men are skeptic and think most broads get attached easily to the dick.  It happens.  Some broads do get dickmatized.  The dick can be that good.  The same goes for men though.  The broad could be bat shit crazy and he does not care because he fell into her rabbit hole.  He got lost in Wonderland.  

Tinder: Update 1

imageI am really bad at remembering to message these guys back on Tinder.  I slightly suck at it.  I get called out for it too.  Whoops.  However, in my defense, some of these guys message me late at night during the week.  I have to let them know I am asleep by or before 10 o’clock during the week.  Late nights during the week are once in a blue moon now.  I am not old either.  I am seasoned.  I also know if I do not get enough sleep it better be for a good reason because I will be tired and cranky as all hell the following two days.  Ha.

This Devin guy uses emojis like it’s his job and he is getting paid for it.  I question if he is another gay straight man.  What happened to small talk?  This guy is taking it right to the altar.  I decided he was too cereal for me.  ::unmatched::

When did men become more desperate than women with an internal clock ticking away?  The majority of people  really do not like slapping a label on things right out the gate.  Where is the fun in that?  Most of us avoid that topic as long as we possibly can.  I cannot imagetake some of these guys seriously though.  This Daniel guy very well could have been joking.  However, he did say he really did like long walks on the beach.  What happened to the manly men?  Did gay straight men take over?  It is nice to walk on the beach with someone special to you, but I don’t want to hear how you love that and candle lit baths.  I would rather you not say anything to me, grab me up like a cavemen, throw me over your shoulder, throw me on the bed, and show me who is boss.  I do not want to sit around and talk about feelings with you or where our future is going.  If I wanted to do that, I would call one of my girlfriends or my gay best friends to come over for wine.