Awaken the Cookie Monster

I used to be a bunny rabbit with sex in my younger years.  I couldn’t have enough of it.  I even was guilty of two guys in one night when Gary lost the air in his sails one evening.  I literally got a text from Jase whose ringtone was “If you’re horny..” while I was straddling Gary and his limp dick.  HaHa.  I got dressed so fast to say goodbye to Gary and head over to Jase’s place.  I was a bit of a sloot back then.  No shame.  If one wasn’t enough or didn’t satisfy me, I was always up for another go around.  I loved sex.  

In my seasoned years, I haven’t lost my love for sex, but I have learned that quality is better over quantity.  Yes, majority of women could have sex whenever they wanted.  We have the cookie jar.  We have the V-card.  I used to be such a cranky bitch when I was going without sex.  It would only be a few weeks or a month.  You would have thought I was dying of that dick hunger.  The thirst.  However, I now go three to nine months of no sex and I am perfectly okay.  Granted, I do put my toys to good use in that timeframe.  I am human.  Everyone still needs an orgasm a day to keep the grumpiness at bay.

I recently was on a five month sex hiatus.  I then got some vitamin D in my life.  You would typically think that once you have that itch scratched you would be good to go for a while again.  Nope.  Not the case with me.  I ended up being friskier than ever.  The dick awoken Miss Lucy the ‘Cookie Monster.’  I found myself squirming from the desire to have an orgasm at least once every day.  It was like a fire inbetween my legs of heat and wetness.  No one wants to see a broad squirming in their pants.  There are just too many options as to what the problem is with her down there.  Most of them are not cute because no one thinks women get that frisky.  

Another reason that I could never have my clit pierced.  I am frisky enough with my pants rubbing down there.  I would be a walking orgasm if I got my clit pierced.

 Anyways, I was getting myself off before bed, in the morning, after work, and I even thought about it when I went home on lunch to let the dogs out.  Lawd, child, calm down Cookie Monster.  I was getting ready to go meet one of my girlfriends for food and drinks and got the urge.  I was all dressed and ready to walk out the door.  I turned around and headed straight back to my room for a quick “O.”  

It is crazy to think one fuck could turn me back into the energizer bunny that I once was in my life.  Maybe, I will get lucky enough to find a firefighter to put out that fire ::wink, wink::  Until then, thank God that sex toys are now rechargeable or I would be burning through some double A batteries like no ones business.  

Snap Thirst

It’s probably safe to say that we all know what SnapChat is, right? I finally caved in and img_7080downloaded it when I was living in Chicago and fresh out of my relationship with Peter. It was fun sending quick pictures to friends and guys. You got to pick how long the picture was available and then POOF. Its gone. Where did it go? Was it up in the cloud? Was it with Carmen San Diego? It’s a mystery that no one may ever solve.

Well remember good ol Josiah and Paisley?  Apparently, they tripped into a relationship in less than two months time despite his baggage.  I hadn’t heard from Paisley since the night she tried to get on Josiah on my couch in my house after he just finished with me.  I was surprised to learn that since he had hit me up periodically for sex the past couple of months.  Interesting.  I had no idea.  It didn’t surprise me since he was the “baby, babe, bae everything” type of guy to any broad he set his attention on.  There are those broads that eat that shit up instead of seeing it as basic.

I left work the other day for a doctors appointment.  Josiah started messaging me on SnapChat.  He wanted me to meet him for lunch which turned into him wanting to meet me at my house.  The tides were turning.  I advised him that I had to go back into work. He started begging me to not go back to work because he really wanted to see me.  I told him that some of us have to work to pay the mortgage.  No magic bill paying fairies here. (If you see one, please send em my way).  He was wanting to come over and fuck.  He was laying it on thick.  Josiah started calling me via SnapChat.  I hit ignore.  I asked why he was calling me that way when he had my number.  I then asked him if it was so Paisley wouldn’t see that he was blowing me up.  He laughed it off.  Josiah wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. He was very pretty though.  I reminded him about my decision to walk away from him because I don’t fuck around in Petri dishes.  Homie don’t play that.  I told him we were friends and nothing more.  He flipped his script to, “I want to come over and watch a movie with you.” Psssssh boy who you kiddin. You know damn well he didn’t want to watch no damn movie.  Everyone knows that code phrase.

If he still wanted to hang out after I got out of work, I decided that we would discuss it then.  I truly thought he would get over this “want” he had for me in that timeframe.  I was never more wrong.  He kept messaging me to hurry up.  He was asking what movie that I wanted to watch with him.  Josiah wanted to bring over wine and pizza. He started referring to himself as “daddy.”  This was the moment that I started dying laughing.  The thirst was real.  I brought up Paisley once again to him. Josiah went on to tell me that they were no longer together due to her baby daddy coming back into the picture. He went as far to say that he hadn’t even had sex in a few weeks. I had no real way to verify any of it since I removed her from my social media after her stunt in my house.

Josiah spent a total of TEN AND A HALF HOURS relentlessly begging me.  Noon until 10:30 in the evening.  He finally gave up when I said a hard “no.”  Do not get it twisted, he was breaking me down to the point that I could have caved into him.  There was one issue with that though.  I was not sure if it was more of me wanting to show Paisley that I could have him or if I really just wanted a hug… with his penis.. in my vagina.  It was a toss-up.  I mean lezbehonest, they always come back to me. ::wink, wink::

I shared this nonsense with my friends.  A few of them wanted me to be the bigger person and tell Paisley.  I wanted to tell her to go fuck her man, so he stopped begging me for it.  I was told that was too harsh.  The problem would be getting proof. Most people especially broads want something that they can see because they want to hold onto the glimmer of hope someone was lying to them. SnapChat alerts the other person if you screenshot the chat or picture. I was with my girl Taena at the time. We started brainstorming on how to get around a screenshot, so Josiah wouldn’t know he was going to get busted. Light bulb. I had the conversation up on my phone while Taena took a picture of it with her phone. ::high five:: Now I had proof to use… Alright, I caved img_7082in and did exactly what my img_6746friends wanted which was to text her.  I gave her the full story.  I really had no sympathy for her.  As we learned from Ludacris, “Can’t turn a hoe into a housewife, hoes don’t act right.”  Josiah had a lot of baggage.  Paisley tried to fuck him in my house immediately after me.  She jumped into it with him following that encounter.  What did she expect?  Did she really think she found her prince when in actuality she got a bufo toad?  However, the story doesn’t end the way that we all thought it would.  Paisley ignored what I told her and had him remove me from all social media.  Ha.  That’ll keep a dog from straying… said no one ever.  

Five days later, they were professing their love on social media for all to see.   Paisley img_7081bragging how lucky she was to have him.  Why the facade?  The man was married despite being recently separated and creeping behind your back.  Why not say nothing on social media and deal with your dirty laundry in the laundry room than pretending you weren’t washing out skid marks?

The rest of us who know these types of truths are not jealous.  We are sitting back laughing with the others as we sip our tea.  Ladies out there, always remember your self-worth.  If you do not respect yourself, no one will.  Never settle for the poisonous toad.  Bufo frogs make your dogs foam from the mouth.  Can you imagine what they do to your vagina?!

Petri dish Faux Pas

Who has ever had sex with someone who their friend also did?  ::raises hand::  I call that the Petri dish.  We have all been there.  It was typically when we were in high school or college due to slim pickings.  The pond was only so big at that age group.  It was expected to have overlapping dicks and vaginas in friend groups.  However, I am over that age range now.  I am not in lifestyle and I do not like to share.  I was an only child, ya know.  The Petri dish is not for me.  It is even more of a faux pas when you are going after someone who your friend is currently sexing while you are at their house.  

One evening, I had an after party at my house per usual.  I hooked up with Josiah a couple of months ago.  He had a bit of a baggage, hard to navigate situation, so I took the laid back approach with him.  I let him come to me for another round once things settled down for him.  Josiah told me he was coming over.  I was obviously excited.  Everyone loves the opportunity to have sex!  I was sitting at my table and told my best friend, Maya, that he was coming over.  Paisley was also sitting at the table and inquired who I was talking about.  I told Paisley that Josiah was coming over.  Paisley then said something along the lines of, “I’ll gladly take your sloppy seconds of him.”  Maya and I exchanged looks of  “did she just say that?!” with each other.  I knew Paisley was three sheets to the wind but that was awkward as all hell.  I laughed awkwardly and said, “Uhh, okay.”  What do you say to that?  Paisley and I are not best friends, but we are friends.  I do not want to have sex with men who my friends have been with before me.  I did not understand why she was like orphan Annie begging for my food.  I decided to fluff it off my shoulder.  It was better to not dwell on drunken words.

Josiah got to the house.  He was doing heavy PDA.  Maya was not used to seeing this kind of display of a man with me.  She told me to have him heel.  Ha.  I was getting restless.  I would never have sex if I waited for everyone to leave my house.  I said, “Fuck it.”  I grabbed Josiah and retired to my bedroom.  We started ripping off each others clothes as if they were on fire.    

MadeaHallSide Bar–He has a lovely, big dick.  He even knows how to use it.  There is no better feeling than the weight of a man on top of you with a big dick inside of you.  AMEN.  

We were going at it for a while.  I was commanding him to bite me harder while holding my neck tightly.  He came so hard that he shouted out “Fuck” loudly.  We laid there for a little bit and I dozed off.  I woke up and he was not in bed.  I looked on the floor and saw Josiah’s shoes.  He was still there somewhere.  The little nap that I had must have re-energized me because I was ready to go again.  I knew people were still in the house, so instead of waiting for him, I grabbed a toy and went to town on myself.  

I was officially parched.  I threw on my sexy, satan robe to go grab a glass of water.  Keep in mind, I was not wearing my glasses or had contacts in my eyes.  I am blind.  I opened the bedroom door and I swore that I saw Paisley jump away from Josiah on the couch.  The thoughts started flowing in my head, “No, this bitch did not just try getting on him while he was still wearing my pussy juices.  He just had sex with me.  We are in my house.  How desperate is she?  Does she not have any self-respect?  Can she not get her own man?”  However, I reminded myself that maybe it is not what I thought I saw because I couldn’t see clearly.  Josiah said something to me that did not even register.  I responded with, “No, just no.”  I got my glass of water and walked my big ass back to my bedroom.  I was still reeling in my head over what I may or may not have seen in my living room.  I laid down and Josiah came in my room.  He started with a bunch of questions.  I told him what I thought I saw out there.  He said that nothing was going on and seemed shocked that I would even think that of him and her.  I told him what Paisley said earlier in the evening.  He said he would never go there because she was Fred’s ex-girlfriend.  At that point, I was over it.  We went for another round of sex.  Paisley left my house at some point of us rolling around in bed.  

We laid in bed for a while.  I got frisky again and Josiah obliged me by playing with Miss Lucy after he felt how wet I was again.  It had been a while since I got to enjoy the little things like foreplay.  He was playing with my clit to the point that I was begging him to put his fingers inside me.  He gave into my pleas and I was gripping the sheets as if to hold onto the earth.  Josiah surprised me by putting his thumb in me and hitting my G-Spot.  God Damn.  I haven’t had that much fun and enjoyment without ending in sex in a long time.  It was very nice.

We forced ourselves out of bed.  I jumped in the shower to wake up.  We ended up relaxing on the couch for a few more hours.  Josiah told me that Paisley requested him on Facebook and she messaged him on there.  My response was, “Did she ask if your shift was over with me yet?”  I was literally chuckling over this nonsense.  I started thinking that her drunk thoughts were actually her real thoughts.  Her actions were so faux pas.  Josiah laughed at my commentary.  He left my house after 6pm.

I thought he would be the perfect fuck buddy until I heard from a little bird that Paisley had been texting with Josiah all week.  I immediately shut that shit down on my end.  I folded in the card game.  I do not share dick with friends/people who party at my house.  I texted Josiah and PetriDishtold him that I do not do Petri dishes.  It was not for me.  Paisley could truly have my sloppy seconds.  I could always find another man to satisfy me.  I am too old to compete over some dick.  I also made a mental note that Paisley lost her party pass to my house.  I do not want vultures circling the man meat that I invite over to my house for my vagina.  You only get one vagina or dick in your life.  You do not want what is in that Petri dish in or on you.  You cannot go out on Craigslist and buy a new one if you fuck up your parts.  This was a perfect example as to why I have a dish of condoms on my table.  Keep those Petri dishes clean kids.

Leaving Your Mark

Have you ever wondered if you left a lasting impression on someone or made your mark to be remembered?  How do you even go about leaving that kind of mark or impression on someone?  Is it out of your control?  Lezbehonest, no one wants to be forgettable.

I started talking to a young, southern stud over a year ago.  Keaton did not live in Florida, but he was in the state every so often for work.  He was ten years younger than me but that doesn’t matter when its sexual attraction.  We kept in touch over a year.  We would text, Snapchat, and sext.  I definitely gasped when he sent me a picture of his dick.  It was a beautiful and big.  It was the kind of dick picture that made you want a cigarette after seeing it.  It was fun because it created pent up sexual frustration between us.

After a years time went by, Keaton was in town for work.  I was going a few months of no sex.  He told me where he was staying while in town.  I wasn’t sure if I should seize the opportunity.  I know what you’re thinking, ‘Why the hell not?!’  I was factoring in my hiatus from sex, his big dick, age and if I could successfully ride that stud.

My girlfriends basically smacked some sense into me.  I decided I would go to his hotel, but I needed some liquid courage.  My friends and I started ordering shots while I was tossing some beers back.  I had a solid buzz on and the time seemed to be now or never, so I ordered my uber.  Yes, I ordered an uber to take me to have sex.  I got to the hotel lobby and asked the man behind the desk where to go for Keaton’s room.  He handed me a map.  Oh, this was going to be a fun excursion finding his room drunk.  There were groups of men standing around in the parking lots whistling and so on.  I felt like a hooker.  I found extreme humor in this situation.  I finally found his room.  

Keaton greeted me shirtless with a big smile.  I’m pretty sure I was immediately wet.  ::Whew::  He was thankfully drinking and offered me a beer as well.  We all know first times are better drunk.  We bullshitted for a little bit until he took matters into his own hands.  He pulled me into him and started kissing me hard while running his hands over me.  Clothes started flying off.  The next thing I knew he was pushing that big dick in me. Lawd, baby jesus, I thought I saw the light.  It was that good hurt.  We rolled around for a while before finishing.  We laid there for a little bit.  I attempted to get up and start putting my clothes on when he grabbed my arm and said, “Where do you think you’re going?”  I assumed we were done.  I was wrong.  Keaton pulled me back in bed on top of him.  We went for round two.  It was just as good if not better than our first go around.  Our sexual chemistry was amazing!

I looked at my phone to find my friends were blowing me up.  I looked at Keaton and so badly wanted to stay in that bed for round three.  Yes, he was ready to go again.  However, I knew I needed to get back to reality and meet up with my friends.  He kissed me one more time on the lips and I kissed him goodbye on his forehead.  I got in the uber to head back to my friends.  I walked into the bar and they all started clapping and cheering.  Fucking dicks.  Ha.  

The next day, I woke up with my right boob hurting really bad.  My nipples were extremely sore.  I figured that was going to happen.  I went into the bathroom and turned on the light.  I looked down at my chest.  Holy Shit, there was a huge bruise on my right tit.  You would have thought that someone used it as a punching bag.  It was already gnarly looking in less than a days time.  I wasn’t even mad about it.  I was impressed.  Keaton and I were so into the moment that I didn’t feel any pain.  I sent him a picture of the mark he left me.  Poor stud felt so bad.  I emphasized that it was truly okay.  It was an awesome sex battle wound.  

It was humorous since I could not even lay on my right side to sleep.  I had to go up and down stairs carefully.  Any bouncing motion sent pain through me.  I learned that it is very difficult to keep big boobs from bouncing.  Keaton left his mark alright along with a lasting impression.  He’s welcome to bruise me more next time he comes through town ::wink, wink::

 

Dial-A-Dick

I love the term “dial-a-dick.”  Samantha used that term in ‘Sex and The City.’  It is also known as a “fuck buddy.”  Most people have at least one person they can hit up for sex.  Some people may have a few options in their black book.  These types of relationships were with people you trusted and had really good sexual chemistry with at some point.  It may not have been a serious relationship.  It could have been a causal friend you liked to hang out with on occasion.  My black book was not too shabby in my early twenties.  It worked both ways.  They would hit me up or I would hit them up.  It could be early in the evening or late at night.  It was nice having a reliable dick on call.

Cameron and I may have had more feelings involved, but it was nice knowing we were on the same page.  It did not matter what time it was or where we were at the time.  I would typically go to him since my parents house was not ideal for having male companions over.  My house was a last resort for us.  We were notorious for making use of my vehicles.  We had sex in all three of my cars plus my parents Explorer.  The Explorer was nice because we laid the back seat down, but it gave you brush burn.  Ha.  This deal went on a long time between us.  It was always worth it.

Ken and I also had common ground on this subject.  We may not have been in a relationship, but we had amazing sexual chemistry.  We would either message each other on AIM or text each other.  Our code for each other when we were feeling frisky was mentioning that we wanted a cigarette.  I would drive up to the frat or his house to indulge in a camels cigarette then he’d indulge in me.  We took advantage of each other anywhere and everywhere.  The frat’s stairwell and hallway, the bathroom stalls/showers, his porch, our buddy’s porch and pull out couch, or the normal place his bed.  We had a lot of fun in those few years.

I found one the last few months I was in Chicago finally.  Daniel was always at the same local watering hole as me.  He lived by me.  He had a broad that was into him, but he said that they were not dating.  I took him home one time after the bar.  I have to say I was pleasantly surprised with what he had in his pants.  He had decent sized girth.  We went for two rounds that night.  Daniel was ready to hit up one of our mutual friends to come pick him up in the morning.  I got dressed and dropped him off at his house.  I did not want anyone knowing we were sleeping together.  It always would work out better when the least amount of people knew about your business.  Because people love to stick their nose where it does not belong and stir the pot.

I hit Daniel up another time and he just automatically offered to come over before I even asked him to.  We started going at it on my new couch.  We were ripping each other’s clothes off while trying to keep our hands all over each other.  I thought I was finally going to christen the new couch.  He ended the couch fun by moving the sexapade to my bedroom.  It was still amazing sex.  I am just that person who loves to christen new things in my life.  Ha.

Fuck Buddies are pretty much non-existent anymore.  It is hard to find one especially when you move to different states.  It does not help that it is harder to trust people now a days.  You have to be concered with getting an STD or pregnant if your buddy is not honest with you.  Some men are skeptic and think most broads get attached easily to the dick.  It happens.  Some broads do get dickmatized.  The dick can be that good.  The same goes for men though.  The broad could be bat shit crazy and he does not care because he fell into her rabbit hole.  He got lost in Wonderland.