Snap Thirst

It’s probably safe to say that we all know what SnapChat is, right? I finally caved in and img_7080downloaded it when I was living in Chicago and fresh out of my relationship with Peter. It was fun sending quick pictures to friends and guys. You got to pick how long the picture was available and then POOF. Its gone. Where did it go? Was it up in the cloud? Was it with Carmen San Diego? It’s a mystery that no one may ever solve.

Well remember good ol Josiah and Paisley?  Apparently, they tripped into a relationship in less than two months time despite his baggage.  I hadn’t heard from Paisley since the night she tried to get on Josiah on my couch in my house after he just finished with me.  I was surprised to learn that since he had hit me up periodically for sex the past couple of months.  Interesting.  I had no idea.  It didn’t surprise me since he was the “baby, babe, bae everything” type of guy to any broad he set his attention on.  There are those broads that eat that shit up instead of seeing it as basic.

I left work the other day for a doctors appointment.  Josiah started messaging me on SnapChat.  He wanted me to meet him for lunch which turned into him wanting to meet me at my house.  The tides were turning.  I advised him that I had to go back into work. He started begging me to not go back to work because he really wanted to see me.  I told him that some of us have to work to pay the mortgage.  No magic bill paying fairies here. (If you see one, please send em my way).  He was wanting to come over and fuck.  He was laying it on thick.  Josiah started calling me via SnapChat.  I hit ignore.  I asked why he was calling me that way when he had my number.  I then asked him if it was so Paisley wouldn’t see that he was blowing me up.  He laughed it off.  Josiah wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. He was very pretty though.  I reminded him about my decision to walk away from him because I don’t fuck around in Petri dishes.  Homie don’t play that.  I told him we were friends and nothing more.  He flipped his script to, “I want to come over and watch a movie with you.” Psssssh boy who you kiddin. You know damn well he didn’t want to watch no damn movie.  Everyone knows that code phrase.

If he still wanted to hang out after I got out of work, I decided that we would discuss it then.  I truly thought he would get over this “want” he had for me in that timeframe.  I was never more wrong.  He kept messaging me to hurry up.  He was asking what movie that I wanted to watch with him.  Josiah wanted to bring over wine and pizza. He started referring to himself as “daddy.”  This was the moment that I started dying laughing.  The thirst was real.  I brought up Paisley once again to him. Josiah went on to tell me that they were no longer together due to her baby daddy coming back into the picture. He went as far to say that he hadn’t even had sex in a few weeks. I had no real way to verify any of it since I removed her from my social media after her stunt in my house.

Josiah spent a total of TEN AND A HALF HOURS relentlessly begging me.  Noon until 10:30 in the evening.  He finally gave up when I said a hard “no.”  Do not get it twisted, he was breaking me down to the point that I could have caved into him.  There was one issue with that though.  I was not sure if it was more of me wanting to show Paisley that I could have him or if I really just wanted a hug… with his penis.. in my vagina.  It was a toss-up.  I mean lezbehonest, they always come back to me. ::wink, wink::

I shared this nonsense with my friends.  A few of them wanted me to be the bigger person and tell Paisley.  I wanted to tell her to go fuck her man, so he stopped begging me for it.  I was told that was too harsh.  The problem would be getting proof. Most people especially broads want something that they can see because they want to hold onto the glimmer of hope someone was lying to them. SnapChat alerts the other person if you screenshot the chat or picture. I was with my girl Taena at the time. We started brainstorming on how to get around a screenshot, so Josiah wouldn’t know he was going to get busted. Light bulb. I had the conversation up on my phone while Taena took a picture of it with her phone. ::high five:: Now I had proof to use… Alright, I caved img_7082in and did exactly what my img_6746friends wanted which was to text her.  I gave her the full story.  I really had no sympathy for her.  As we learned from Ludacris, “Can’t turn a hoe into a housewife, hoes don’t act right.”  Josiah had a lot of baggage.  Paisley tried to fuck him in my house immediately after me.  She jumped into it with him following that encounter.  What did she expect?  Did she really think she found her prince when in actuality she got a bufo toad?  However, the story doesn’t end the way that we all thought it would.  Paisley ignored what I told her and had him remove me from all social media.  Ha.  That’ll keep a dog from straying… said no one ever.  

Five days later, they were professing their love on social media for all to see.   Paisley img_7081bragging how lucky she was to have him.  Why the facade?  The man was married despite being recently separated and creeping behind your back.  Why not say nothing on social media and deal with your dirty laundry in the laundry room than pretending you weren’t washing out skid marks?

The rest of us who know these types of truths are not jealous.  We are sitting back laughing with the others as we sip our tea.  Ladies out there, always remember your self-worth.  If you do not respect yourself, no one will.  Never settle for the poisonous toad.  Bufo frogs make your dogs foam from the mouth.  Can you imagine what they do to your vagina?!

Petri dish Faux Pas

Who has ever had sex with someone who their friend also did?  ::raises hand::  I call that the Petri dish.  We have all been there.  It was typically when we were in high school or college due to slim pickings.  The pond was only so big at that age group.  It was expected to have overlapping dicks and vaginas in friend groups.  However, I am over that age range now.  I am not in lifestyle and I do not like to share.  I was an only child, ya know.  The Petri dish is not for me.  It is even more of a faux pas when you are going after someone who your friend is currently sexing while you are at their house.  

One evening, I had an after party at my house per usual.  I hooked up with Josiah a couple of months ago.  He had a bit of a baggage, hard to navigate situation, so I took the laid back approach with him.  I let him come to me for another round once things settled down for him.  Josiah told me he was coming over.  I was obviously excited.  Everyone loves the opportunity to have sex!  I was sitting at my table and told my best friend, Maya, that he was coming over.  Paisley was also sitting at the table and inquired who I was talking about.  I told Paisley that Josiah was coming over.  Paisley then said something along the lines of, “I’ll gladly take your sloppy seconds of him.”  Maya and I exchanged looks of  “did she just say that?!” with each other.  I knew Paisley was three sheets to the wind but that was awkward as all hell.  I laughed awkwardly and said, “Uhh, okay.”  What do you say to that?  Paisley and I are not best friends, but we are friends.  I do not want to have sex with men who my friends have been with before me.  I did not understand why she was like orphan Annie begging for my food.  I decided to fluff it off my shoulder.  It was better to not dwell on drunken words.

Josiah got to the house.  He was doing heavy PDA.  Maya was not used to seeing this kind of display of a man with me.  She told me to have him heel.  Ha.  I was getting restless.  I would never have sex if I waited for everyone to leave my house.  I said, “Fuck it.”  I grabbed Josiah and retired to my bedroom.  We started ripping off each others clothes as if they were on fire.    

MadeaHallSide Bar–He has a lovely, big dick.  He even knows how to use it.  There is no better feeling than the weight of a man on top of you with a big dick inside of you.  AMEN.  

We were going at it for a while.  I was commanding him to bite me harder while holding my neck tightly.  He came so hard that he shouted out “Fuck” loudly.  We laid there for a little bit and I dozed off.  I woke up and he was not in bed.  I looked on the floor and saw Josiah’s shoes.  He was still there somewhere.  The little nap that I had must have re-energized me because I was ready to go again.  I knew people were still in the house, so instead of waiting for him, I grabbed a toy and went to town on myself.  

I was officially parched.  I threw on my sexy, satan robe to go grab a glass of water.  Keep in mind, I was not wearing my glasses or had contacts in my eyes.  I am blind.  I opened the bedroom door and I swore that I saw Paisley jump away from Josiah on the couch.  The thoughts started flowing in my head, “No, this bitch did not just try getting on him while he was still wearing my pussy juices.  He just had sex with me.  We are in my house.  How desperate is she?  Does she not have any self-respect?  Can she not get her own man?”  However, I reminded myself that maybe it is not what I thought I saw because I couldn’t see clearly.  Josiah said something to me that did not even register.  I responded with, “No, just no.”  I got my glass of water and walked my big ass back to my bedroom.  I was still reeling in my head over what I may or may not have seen in my living room.  I laid down and Josiah came in my room.  He started with a bunch of questions.  I told him what I thought I saw out there.  He said that nothing was going on and seemed shocked that I would even think that of him and her.  I told him what Paisley said earlier in the evening.  He said he would never go there because she was Fred’s ex-girlfriend.  At that point, I was over it.  We went for another round of sex.  Paisley left my house at some point of us rolling around in bed.  

We laid in bed for a while.  I got frisky again and Josiah obliged me by playing with Miss Lucy after he felt how wet I was again.  It had been a while since I got to enjoy the little things like foreplay.  He was playing with my clit to the point that I was begging him to put his fingers inside me.  He gave into my pleas and I was gripping the sheets as if to hold onto the earth.  Josiah surprised me by putting his thumb in me and hitting my G-Spot.  God Damn.  I haven’t had that much fun and enjoyment without ending in sex in a long time.  It was very nice.

We forced ourselves out of bed.  I jumped in the shower to wake up.  We ended up relaxing on the couch for a few more hours.  Josiah told me that Paisley requested him on Facebook and she messaged him on there.  My response was, “Did she ask if your shift was over with me yet?”  I was literally chuckling over this nonsense.  I started thinking that her drunk thoughts were actually her real thoughts.  Her actions were so faux pas.  Josiah laughed at my commentary.  He left my house after 6pm.

I thought he would be the perfect fuck buddy until I heard from a little bird that Paisley had been texting with Josiah all week.  I immediately shut that shit down on my end.  I folded in the card game.  I do not share dick with friends/people who party at my house.  I texted Josiah and PetriDishtold him that I do not do Petri dishes.  It was not for me.  Paisley could truly have my sloppy seconds.  I could always find another man to satisfy me.  I am too old to compete over some dick.  I also made a mental note that Paisley lost her party pass to my house.  I do not want vultures circling the man meat that I invite over to my house for my vagina.  You only get one vagina or dick in your life.  You do not want what is in that Petri dish in or on you.  You cannot go out on Craigslist and buy a new one if you fuck up your parts.  This was a perfect example as to why I have a dish of condoms on my table.  Keep those Petri dishes clean kids.

Catch & Release

If you do not plan on eating your fish for dinner, you would catch and release it.  You can use this same idea for having sex.  This type of sex is not for everyone.  There are many people who are not comfortable with a one night stand or mid day rendezvous.  I find it exciting to indulge in it every now and then.  Different strokes for different folks.

I tend to go on Tinder when I’m bored to swipe through the men deck.  I typically do not look at their details.  It is for shits and giggles.  Well, I matched with this 22-year-old.  Lets call him Charlie Conway from the ‘Mighty Ducks.’  He was a good-looking guy.  His beard made him look a little older.  We exchanged a few messages.  It was nothing serious.  Charlie ending up messaging me the following day to find out what I was going to do for the day.  I told him I was going to the beach with my friends. He mentioned that we should meet up.  I dismissed the message and closed the application.  I was looking forward to a day with my friends, soaking up some rays and throwing back some beers.

Jude and I walked up to the tiki bar on the beach to order some drinks.  I noticed a guy sitting with a group on the other side of the bar.  He looked familiar. Hmm.  I opened Tinder on my phone to Charlie’s profile.  I asked Jude if he thought the guy at the bar and on my phone was the same person.  Jude thought if it wasn’t the same person then they must be related.  I messaged him to confirm our thoughts.  He wasn’t picking up that I was at the same place as him.  I heard him say, “The chick from Tinder.  She’s 32.”  Come on now.  I messaged him and said, “Stop shouting my age like a football score!”  He looked shocked and told his buddies that I heard them.  They all started looking around for me.  I waved with a smile.  I owned it.  I walked over and talked to him.

I quickly learned that Charlie was in college, on the hockey team, and flying out later that evening to go home.  This would be the perfect opportunity for a catch and release afternoon delight for me.  Yes, it also would make me an official cougar since he was ten years younger than me.  Ain’t no shame in my game.  Him and his one teammate kept saying they needed a shower before heading to the airport.  Jude knew what I was thinking without me saying anything.  Jude signaled for me to go for it.  It would make for a good story.  I invited Charlie and his buddy back to my place for showers, beers and food.  Charlie asked me to join him in the shower.  I stripped down and jumped in there with him.  We started in there and finished on my bed.  It was pretty good minus the end.  I told him to cum on my chest.  He must not shoot the puck often on the ice because he shot wide right.  I luckily sensed his poor aim and turned my head.  Whew.  I saved my hair.  We got dressed then Charlie and his buddy left for their flight.  My friends and I grilled out then watched a scary movie.  It was a successful day.

What were the chances of running into Charlie that day.  There are probably quite a few of you judging me.  That is okay.  You get to read about it because I lived in the moment.  I did not think I would hear from him again since he lived in the northeast.  I was wrong.  Apparently, the younger men think they are entitled to receive pictures after they have sex with you.  They also do not understand that most people do not have a catalogue of naked pictures saved on their phone to send out on a whim.  It is quite comical.  I did save the best part for last.  You may think I came up with his character name due to him being younger and playing hockey.  That contributed to it, but he had a tattoo of the ‘Mighty Ducks’ on his ass.  Charlie definitely worked the flying V angle.

Nine Months No Sex

Anyone can have sex at anytime.  It depends on how much you want it or how desperate you are for it.  You could truly love sex.  I have heard of people using Tinder as a bet to see who could get laid before 2:00am.  I have always been a “in the moment decision” type of person.  I went nine months of no sex by choice.  I could have very easily of had sex with someone in that time.  I was actually going to see if I could make it a full year at that point.  I was interested in becoming a born again virgin.  Ha.  ::clean that slate::

I started the sex hiatus after douche bag Bill.  I went through some medical scares.  I was over men at that time.  I wanted nothing from them.  I was perfectly content with my double A batteries.  I realized that I made it to nine months.  I was surprised that I made it that 4b6b59aaaa5bf12b86fd406e3d4b8005far.  Did I miss sex to the point of wanting a random pickle in my jar?  No.  Did I think about sex?  Yes.  Everyone enjoys sex.  It is human nature.  I even had my one guy friend, Jaxon, just cuddle and lay on me once during my hiatus, so I could feel the weight of a man on me.  ::queue Sex and the City quote::  I have come a long way from my young twenties.  The old, younger version of me acted on every Energizer Bunny impulse.  The seasoned broad that I am now is more selective on the produce that enters the store in-between her legs.

I made it to nine months of no sex.  I started entertaining the idea of going a whole year.  It meant my Miss Lucy was tight and right.  Sharon Osborne supposedly said she had vaginal tightening surgery done to her.  You could go the easier route of indulging in no sex and ben wa ball exercises.  The thought of making it to a year was ended by one of my gorgeous Ron Burgundy friends.  Grayson and I met three years ago through one of our mutual friends.  I had a boyfriend at the time when him and I first met.  When Peter and I broke up, Grayson and I started text messaging and snap chatting one another.  It was so easy to talk to him.  It was even easier to sext with him.  We were both pretty good at exciting one another.  This went on for two years between us.  The build up of sexual tension was beginning to be wound up tighter than Joan River’s face.  It was fun to fantasize about the day we would finally get to feel each other’s naked bodies.

That day happened when I was on my hiatus.  He was in town for a gig.  We were exchanging messages throughout the night.  I was definitely feeling pretty good.  Alcohol gave me confidence and took away my nerves.  Okay, okay, I was drunk.  It probably was better for the situation though.  Two years of sexual anticipation had a lot to live up to.  It started to pour down rain.  I showed up to his hotel room drunk, frisky, and wet.  There was polite chit-chat before we started ripping each other’s clothes off.  I am pretty sure my Miss Lucy was drooling at the sight of him and his big dick.  Whew.  The first thrust was the most titillating sensation I have felt in a long time.  The thought of it right now gives me the chills.  Lord, baby Jesus.  I remember him saying a few times how tight my vahjayjay was when he slid in and out of me.  Nine months of no sex and kegels truly paid off.  We went a few rounds.  It was salacious.  

I still laugh thinking about how drunk I was that night.  At one point, I remember I sucked his balls in my mouth like I was the powerball machine.  :: yells 35, 23, 18::  All bets are off when I am drunk.  Ain’t no shame in my game.  He left me with some lovely markings to remember the evening.  I had to wear fashionable scarves for a week to work.  Do you think I was bummed that I did not make it to a year of no sex?  Hell no.  That was worth every bit of the two years we had in conversations and pictures.  It was one hell of a way to end my nine month sex hiatus.  He can pokemon my pikachu any day.

Fluffers

Fluffers are known as the guys who get male porn stars ready for the camera action.  My definition is similar.  Fluffers are people who get another person all amped up for play, but they never act on it.  Fluffers are frustrating.  What is the point in playing the fluffing game?  Time is priceless.  I do not care to waste my time talking about sexing someone if it is not going to happen.  I would rather indulge in me time than fluff someone.

There are five guys that come to mind for me.  One of the guys, we did heavy petting once at my place.  It was so hot.  However, he never ended up coming over again to cross the finishline.  He told me that he regretted it after I moved away.  A year and a half went by of texting and snap chatting with one another.  I was back in town for one weekend.  In typical fashion, he did not have any follow through for us.  Why the fluff? 

Three of the guys were here in Florida.  It must be a common style in the sunshine state.  Two out of the three of them nothing ever happened between us.  There were many words used.  Numerous attempts to try and meet up.  Many promises of wanting to be naked.  Do people get their rocks off by teasing and never doing anything?  Teasing is all good and fun when you get that prize in the end.  That would be like masterbating and then stopping right before you orgasm.  ::blank stare::

downloadAfter a month or so, I realized it was not worth my time.  If I wanted to get myself excited, I would get my own orgasm.  I do not need some guy trying to fluff me up and not get mine in the end.  If I wanted to have fluff, I would eat it out of a jar.

Dial-A-Dick

I love the term “dial-a-dick.”  Samantha used that term in ‘Sex and The City.’  It is also known as a “fuck buddy.”  Most people have at least one person they can hit up for sex.  Some people may have a few options in their black book.  These types of relationships were with people you trusted and had really good sexual chemistry with at some point.  It may not have been a serious relationship.  It could have been a causal friend you liked to hang out with on occasion.  My black book was not too shabby in my early twenties.  It worked both ways.  They would hit me up or I would hit them up.  It could be early in the evening or late at night.  It was nice having a reliable dick on call.

Cameron and I may have had more feelings involved, but it was nice knowing we were on the same page.  It did not matter what time it was or where we were at the time.  I would typically go to him since my parents house was not ideal for having male companions over.  My house was a last resort for us.  We were notorious for making use of my vehicles.  We had sex in all three of my cars plus my parents Explorer.  The Explorer was nice because we laid the back seat down, but it gave you brush burn.  Ha.  This deal went on a long time between us.  It was always worth it.

Ken and I also had common ground on this subject.  We may not have been in a relationship, but we had amazing sexual chemistry.  We would either message each other on AIM or text each other.  Our code for each other when we were feeling frisky was mentioning that we wanted a cigarette.  I would drive up to the frat or his house to indulge in a camels cigarette then he’d indulge in me.  We took advantage of each other anywhere and everywhere.  The frat’s stairwell and hallway, the bathroom stalls/showers, his porch, our buddy’s porch and pull out couch, or the normal place his bed.  We had a lot of fun in those few years.

I found one the last few months I was in Chicago finally.  Daniel was always at the same local watering hole as me.  He lived by me.  He had a broad that was into him, but he said that they were not dating.  I took him home one time after the bar.  I have to say I was pleasantly surprised with what he had in his pants.  He had decent sized girth.  We went for two rounds that night.  Daniel was ready to hit up one of our mutual friends to come pick him up in the morning.  I got dressed and dropped him off at his house.  I did not want anyone knowing we were sleeping together.  It always would work out better when the least amount of people knew about your business.  Because people love to stick their nose where it does not belong and stir the pot.

I hit Daniel up another time and he just automatically offered to come over before I even asked him to.  We started going at it on my new couch.  We were ripping each other’s clothes off while trying to keep our hands all over each other.  I thought I was finally going to christen the new couch.  He ended the couch fun by moving the sexapade to my bedroom.  It was still amazing sex.  I am just that person who loves to christen new things in my life.  Ha.

Fuck Buddies are pretty much non-existent anymore.  It is hard to find one especially when you move to different states.  It does not help that it is harder to trust people now a days.  You have to be concered with getting an STD or pregnant if your buddy is not honest with you.  Some men are skeptic and think most broads get attached easily to the dick.  It happens.  Some broads do get dickmatized.  The dick can be that good.  The same goes for men though.  The broad could be bat shit crazy and he does not care because he fell into her rabbit hole.  He got lost in Wonderland.  

Tinder: Update 5

I am “Tindered” out in little over a month.  It is clear that online dating sites or applications are not for me.  It was fun in the beginning.  I was just scrolling through a stack of possible men.  There imagewere guys that were good looking, weird, assholes, creeps, and so on.  You truly did not know what you were going to get with each swipe of your finger.  Not as endearing as a box of chocolates.

The problem for me was meeting someone online creates a veil of possible spark.  It seemed there could be interest there, but you were not completely sure since you hadn’t met them in person yet.  You shared pictures and conversation.  It seemed like there could be the ‘Zsa Zsa Zsu.’  It was actually ‘Zsa Zsa Ew.’  I only met three guys out for drinks the whole time I was on Tinder.  The one I previously wrote about which was not a fit for me.  The other one was very good looking and a nice guy, but there was no spark.  The last guy, who asked not to be a part of this, turned out to be very cool.  I wanted to be friends with him.  It worked out well that way.  None of them turned out to be real sparks though.  Which is why I did not have sex with any of them.

imageThe Tinder fairy tale book is closing for now.  I didn’t want to delete the application justimage in case I needed a laugh again.  The notifications are turned off though.  I will stick with the ‘ol fashioned way of meeting men while I am out and about.  It suits me much better.  I give a lot of credit to people who are on these sites really looking for someone because I got tired of it after a month.  Good luck to all you crazy guys and broads looking for tail or love.  I hope you all find your unicorns and white ponies!  God speed.