Petri dish Faux Pas

Who has ever had sex with someone who their friend also did?  ::raises hand::  I call that the Petri dish.  We have all been there.  It was typically when we were in high school or college due to slim pickings.  The pond was only so big at that age group.  It was expected to have overlapping dicks and vaginas in friend groups.  However, I am over that age range now.  I am not in lifestyle and I do not like to share.  I was an only child, ya know.  The Petri dish is not for me.  It is even more of a faux pas when you are going after someone who your friend is currently sexing while you are at their house.  

One evening, I had an after party at my house per usual.  I hooked up with Josiah a couple of months ago.  He had a bit of a baggage, hard to navigate situation, so I took the laid back approach with him.  I let him come to me for another round once things settled down for him.  Josiah told me he was coming over.  I was obviously excited.  Everyone loves the opportunity to have sex!  I was sitting at my table and told my best friend, Maya, that he was coming over.  Paisley was also sitting at the table and inquired who I was talking about.  I told Paisley that Josiah was coming over.  Paisley then said something along the lines of, “I’ll gladly take your sloppy seconds of him.”  Maya and I exchanged looks of  “did she just say that?!” with each other.  I knew Paisley was three sheets to the wind but that was awkward as all hell.  I laughed awkwardly and said, “Uhh, okay.”  What do you say to that?  Paisley and I are not best friends, but we are friends.  I do not want to have sex with men who my friends have been with before me.  I did not understand why she was like orphan Annie begging for my food.  I decided to fluff it off my shoulder.  It was better to not dwell on drunken words.

Josiah got to the house.  He was doing heavy PDA.  Maya was not used to seeing this kind of display of a man with me.  She told me to have him heel.  Ha.  I was getting restless.  I would never have sex if I waited for everyone to leave my house.  I said, “Fuck it.”  I grabbed Josiah and retired to my bedroom.  We started ripping off each others clothes as if they were on fire.    

MadeaHallSide Bar–He has a lovely, big dick.  He even knows how to use it.  There is no better feeling than the weight of a man on top of you with a big dick inside of you.  AMEN.  

We were going at it for a while.  I was commanding him to bite me harder while holding my neck tightly.  He came so hard that he shouted out “Fuck” loudly.  We laid there for a little bit and I dozed off.  I woke up and he was not in bed.  I looked on the floor and saw Josiah’s shoes.  He was still there somewhere.  The little nap that I had must have re-energized me because I was ready to go again.  I knew people were still in the house, so instead of waiting for him, I grabbed a toy and went to town on myself.  

I was officially parched.  I threw on my sexy, satan robe to go grab a glass of water.  Keep in mind, I was not wearing my glasses or had contacts in my eyes.  I am blind.  I opened the bedroom door and I swore that I saw Paisley jump away from Josiah on the couch.  The thoughts started flowing in my head, “No, this bitch did not just try getting on him while he was still wearing my pussy juices.  He just had sex with me.  We are in my house.  How desperate is she?  Does she not have any self-respect?  Can she not get her own man?”  However, I reminded myself that maybe it is not what I thought I saw because I couldn’t see clearly.  Josiah said something to me that did not even register.  I responded with, “No, just no.”  I got my glass of water and walked my big ass back to my bedroom.  I was still reeling in my head over what I may or may not have seen in my living room.  I laid down and Josiah came in my room.  He started with a bunch of questions.  I told him what I thought I saw out there.  He said that nothing was going on and seemed shocked that I would even think that of him and her.  I told him what Paisley said earlier in the evening.  He said he would never go there because she was Fred’s ex-girlfriend.  At that point, I was over it.  We went for another round of sex.  Paisley left my house at some point of us rolling around in bed.  

We laid in bed for a while.  I got frisky again and Josiah obliged me by playing with Miss Lucy after he felt how wet I was again.  It had been a while since I got to enjoy the little things like foreplay.  He was playing with my clit to the point that I was begging him to put his fingers inside me.  He gave into my pleas and I was gripping the sheets as if to hold onto the earth.  Josiah surprised me by putting his thumb in me and hitting my G-Spot.  God Damn.  I haven’t had that much fun and enjoyment without ending in sex in a long time.  It was very nice.

We forced ourselves out of bed.  I jumped in the shower to wake up.  We ended up relaxing on the couch for a few more hours.  Josiah told me that Paisley requested him on Facebook and she messaged him on there.  My response was, “Did she ask if your shift was over with me yet?”  I was literally chuckling over this nonsense.  I started thinking that her drunk thoughts were actually her real thoughts.  Her actions were so faux pas.  Josiah laughed at my commentary.  He left my house after 6pm.

I thought he would be the perfect fuck buddy until I heard from a little bird that Paisley had been texting with Josiah all week.  I immediately shut that shit down on my end.  I folded in the card game.  I do not share dick with friends/people who party at my house.  I texted Josiah and PetriDishtold him that I do not do Petri dishes.  It was not for me.  Paisley could truly have my sloppy seconds.  I could always find another man to satisfy me.  I am too old to compete over some dick.  I also made a mental note that Paisley lost her party pass to my house.  I do not want vultures circling the man meat that I invite over to my house for my vagina.  You only get one vagina or dick in your life.  You do not want what is in that Petri dish in or on you.  You cannot go out on Craigslist and buy a new one if you fuck up your parts.  This was a perfect example as to why I have a dish of condoms on my table.  Keep those Petri dishes clean kids.

A Work Out

Some people love to work out.  Most people think that involves a gym, weights, treadmill, or running outside.  There are a lot workouts that come to mind, but we sometimes forget about sex and me time being in that category.  Those are the most fun type of workouts too!  How could we forget about those?!

I was up late one night drinking.  My best friend had left my house around 3:00 am.  I was drunk and not ready to go to bed.  I somehow end up messaging an ol friend from back home.  Our conversation went from friendly catch up to “Oh Hellooo.”  I forgot how much I enjoyed a good dick pic and video.  Needless to say, Miss Lucy was not ready for bed either.  I went to bed and spent two hours going to town on myself.  I hit that “O” three times.  I was so impressed until I saw that it was now 5:00 am.  Lawd Child, Go to Bed!  

I got up later that day and indulged myself a couple more times.  I legit wore out three of my toys batteries.  Thank god that I had them all charged and ready for the marathon. 

Side bar– the rechargeable toys are where it is at!  I used to go through double A batteries like no ones business.  They save you money.

My friends came over later that night and I noticed how sore I was in certain spots.  My abs and upper thighs felt like I spent days in the gym.  I’m oblivious as to why I was sore.  I told my girl that I was sore and she asked what I did recently.  ::light bulb::  I played with myself for so long that I gave my core a hard workout!

The lesson of the day was that not all workouts have to be outside of your bedroom.  You can hit that core while you are still laying in your bed sheets.  

Lesson Still Not Learned… 

Several years ago, I thought I would have learned to put my toys away.  The one time that I left Platinum Pete out in my shower was the day that the cleaning ladies came to the house. Platinum Pete was moved from one shelf to the other.  Embarrassing.  Most parents have been teaching their children to put their toys away since they were little ones.

I was busy at work the other day.  I had a spreadsheet full of data clouding my head when my mother called to tell me that the pest company was at my house to spray.  She called back to say he was going to go spray in my bathroom for sugar ants.  I was enthralled with work and let it go in one ear and out the other.

Two hours later, I was leaving work and sat in my car.  Shit!  I left my bullet out on my sink. Oops, I did it again! Sommabitch.  I was a little embarrassed, but I remembered that it would give the guy a good story to tell for a laugh.  Shit does happen.  We’re all sexual human beings.

I decided to share my embarrassing moment by calling and telling my dad about it.  He had a good laugh and called me an idiot.  Most of you are probably wondering how I could have a conversation like that with my dad.  We are all adults here.  Everyone masturbates or at least they should.  I was lucky enough to grow up in an open household full of inappropriate comments and jokes with a side of sarcastic asshole.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The moral of the story is… pick up your toys and put them away or have the red-faced embarrassment and own that shit in the mirror.