Awaken the Cookie Monster

I used to be a bunny rabbit with sex in my younger years.  I couldn’t have enough of it.  I even was guilty of two guys in one night when Gary lost the air in his sails one evening.  I literally got a text from Jase whose ringtone was “If you’re horny..” while I was straddling Gary and his limp dick.  HaHa.  I got dressed so fast to say goodbye to Gary and head over to Jase’s place.  I was a bit of a sloot back then.  No shame.  If one wasn’t enough or didn’t satisfy me, I was always up for another go around.  I loved sex.  

In my seasoned years, I haven’t lost my love for sex, but I have learned that quality is better over quantity.  Yes, majority of women could have sex whenever they wanted.  We have the cookie jar.  We have the V-card.  I used to be such a cranky bitch when I was going without sex.  It would only be a few weeks or a month.  You would have thought I was dying of that dick hunger.  The thirst.  However, I now go three to nine months of no sex and I am perfectly okay.  Granted, I do put my toys to good use in that timeframe.  I am human.  Everyone still needs an orgasm a day to keep the grumpiness at bay.

I recently was on a five month sex hiatus.  I then got some vitamin D in my life.  You would typically think that once you have that itch scratched you would be good to go for a while again.  Nope.  Not the case with me.  I ended up being friskier than ever.  The dick awoken Miss Lucy the ‘Cookie Monster.’  I found myself squirming from the desire to have an orgasm at least once every day.  It was like a fire inbetween my legs of heat and wetness.  No one wants to see a broad squirming in their pants.  There are just too many options as to what the problem is with her down there.  Most of them are not cute because no one thinks women get that frisky.  

Another reason that I could never have my clit pierced.  I am frisky enough with my pants rubbing down there.  I would be a walking orgasm if I got my clit pierced.

 Anyways, I was getting myself off before bed, in the morning, after work, and I even thought about it when I went home on lunch to let the dogs out.  Lawd, child, calm down Cookie Monster.  I was getting ready to go meet one of my girlfriends for food and drinks and got the urge.  I was all dressed and ready to walk out the door.  I turned around and headed straight back to my room for a quick “O.”  

It is crazy to think one fuck could turn me back into the energizer bunny that I once was in my life.  Maybe, I will get lucky enough to find a firefighter to put out that fire ::wink, wink::  Until then, thank God that sex toys are now rechargeable or I would be burning through some double A batteries like no ones business.  

Lesson Still Not Learned… 

Several years ago, I thought I would have learned to put my toys away.  The one time that I left Platinum Pete out in my shower was the day that the cleaning ladies came to the house. Platinum Pete was moved from one shelf to the other.  Embarrassing.  Most parents have been teaching their children to put their toys away since they were little ones.

I was busy at work the other day.  I had a spreadsheet full of data clouding my head when my mother called to tell me that the pest company was at my house to spray.  She called back to say he was going to go spray in my bathroom for sugar ants.  I was enthralled with work and let it go in one ear and out the other.

Two hours later, I was leaving work and sat in my car.  Shit!  I left my bullet out on my sink. Oops, I did it again! Sommabitch.  I was a little embarrassed, but I remembered that it would give the guy a good story to tell for a laugh.  Shit does happen.  We’re all sexual human beings.

I decided to share my embarrassing moment by calling and telling my dad about it.  He had a good laugh and called me an idiot.  Most of you are probably wondering how I could have a conversation like that with my dad.  We are all adults here.  Everyone masturbates or at least they should.  I was lucky enough to grow up in an open household full of inappropriate comments and jokes with a side of sarcastic asshole.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The moral of the story is… pick up your toys and put them away or have the red-faced embarrassment and own that shit in the mirror.

Love, Obsession, and Desperation

Love inspires many feelings, emotions, actions, regrets, and so on.  Love inspires me to throw up in my mouth.  However, love can turn into obsession and desperation.  This is when it turns into an addictive relationship.  There are both men and women who suffer from it.  I am willing to bet there are many of you thinking of a friend or even yourself that has or had this type of unhealthy addiction to someone.  What makes someone so desperate for another person?  It far surpasses being in love with them.  It loses the loving portion of the relationship.  It has more to do with the psychological need for keeping that other person at any cost to them.  The person is their drug.  You will do anything for the fix.

There have been quite a few of my friends that were in toxic or addictive relationships.  However, you cannot help these types of people break the cycle or get out of the relationship until they see the problem in their own mirror.  You try to support your friends through any choice they make because it is their life and not yours in the end.  It is hard to watch from the stands though.  How many times can you have the same pep talk with a certain friend?  How many times does it take for one couple to break up and get back together to realize that their relationship is like a bad movie on a loop?  It reminds me of Albert Einstein’s quote about insanity.  He said, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

There was one couple I knew where the broad was addicted to the guy.  Lets call them Brad and Angelina.  They dated for several years.  The last few months of their relationship the sex life was non-existent.  Red flag.  Brad broke it off between them.  A normal reaction was to be upset about losing your partner especially after investing years with them.  Angelina had a bad habit of crying in public though.  That was not ideal for anyone.  People crying make others feel awkward.  One movie quote always came to mind, “Are you crying?  Are you crying?  ARE YOU CRYING?  There’s no crying!  THERE’S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!”   It continued for several months.  Brad was off doing him while she was drowning in tears to everyone around her.  He ended up feeling bad and tried to give it another go around with Angelina.  The friends noticed Brad was not himself when he was out with her.  She was a bit of a ‘Debbie Downer.’  That ride on the merry-go-round blew up pretty quick.  Everyone knew that was going to happen.  Angelina started the water works all over again.  She did that for a couple years.  Brad had fooled around, dated, and had another girlfriend while she probably never even slipped onto a different penis.  A year after their last crash and burn, Brad decided to give Angelina another spin around the track.

They were out to dinner with a big group of friends.  She literally had to be touching him through the entire dinner.  His hand.  His leg.  His arm.  It was as if she thought he would disappear into thin air if she let go of him.  Angelina was glued to his hip, petting his arm with her eyes fixated on him.  It reminded me of the crazy, redhead in ‘Wedding Crashers.’  It was pretty clear that she was addicted to Brad.  She never healed her wounds or dependency issues.  She only saw her glass as half empty without him instead of half full.  She only knew how to be a “we” instead of just a “me.”  There was no self-esteem in those thoughts.  If it didn’t work out after several years and a failed first reconciliation, why would it work now?  Can you evolve if you are still stuck on a person?  Are you that desperate for the fix of one human that you are willing to torture yourself all over again?   How many years can you cry over one person?  How much punishment is worth it?  As a friend, you have to sit back and enjoy your bowl of popcorn while it all plays out on the screen again.  Some people need more than a double feature.

An addiction to someone is not healthy which tips the scale and leaves balance behind.  The majority of people want a partner who can mingle and adapt in a social environment.  The opposite would be the types of people who need a babysitter or act as if they are on a leash.  They cannot go too far from you.  Everyone needs time to themselves or time with their own friends.  When you are married with kids, you need time for you, your husband, and your kids.  You cannot be a mom all of the time and neglect yourself and your husband.  People that have this addiction do not understand the rules of balance to healthy relationships.  There has to be balance in a relationship, friendship, marriage, eating, working out, and anything you do in life.  Moderation and balance are the keys to living stress free.

It is hard for me to understand those types of people’s way of thinking in relationships.  I learned a valuable lesson a long time ago that you need to be happy and content with yourself before you can add someone else to your picture frame.  You do not need someone to make you feel complete.  The only person who can truly make you feel whole is yourself.  I feel it goes hand in hand with “me time.”   Indulging in an orgasm with yourself is the most intimate you can be with your Miss Lucy.  That is truly loving yourself.  Once you are happy and love yourself then you are ready for someone to compliment you in your picture and in your vagina.

A relationship is also give and take between two people which includes the bedroom.  I understand that not everyone is confident or dominant in the bedroom.  If you know your counterpart always initiates sex, you should surprise them and take charge now and then.  Take the reins.  Crack the whip (figuratively or literally).  I am sure the results would be more than arousing.  It could be some of the best sex you had as a couple.  Why?  Because someone broke out of their mold and spiced it up.  It is normal to fall into a routine.  It happens to the best of us.  When you realize it, you need to do something to counteract it.  Never be afraid to color outside of the lines with your partner.  Let your mind be open just like your legs.

Put Your Toys Away

downloadWe were probably all taught to put away our toys after playing with them.  You would think we would remember that rule as an adult.  I used to have a box under my bed with all of my sex toys in it.  I now have them in my night stand.  It is easier access.  Everyone has a place they keep their toys, so they are out of sight.

When I lived in the loft at my parents house, the only place with a door for privacy was the bathroom.  The shower was the only place I could enjoy “me time” without the worry of anyone interrupting me.  I sometimes would leave Platinum Pete on the shelf in my shower.  It was easier leaving him there than always getting him from under my bed.  That typically would be okay since my parents never used my shower.  However, I forgot about the cleaning people who would be cleaning my upstairs including my bathroom.  I left my toy in the shower on the day they were coming to the house.  I completely forgot about it.  I came home from work and I realized it was our cleaning day.  I went to get a shower.  Oh shit.  I noticed Pete was moved from the shelf he usually resides on to a different one.  I was embarrassed for a moment before I started laughing my ass off.  I figured I gave the ladies a good laugh for their day.  Do not get me wrong.  I made sure to not take off on a day the cleaning people would be at the house. 

Lessons from when were children should be remembered as adults.  You should always put your toys away after you are done playing with them.  I did not feel too bad about the situation since I went into my parents bathroom once to grab something and my mom left out one of her toys on the sink counter.  Ha.  We all need reminded of that rule from time to time.

My first Toy

I may have started me time early in life, but I never had a toy.  I had a sex toy party in the fall of 2010.  I purchased Platinum Pete.  My boyfriend at the time, Barry, was not thrilled about my purchase.  He felt threatened by it.  I was told to not open the box and leave it under my bed.

I broke up with Barry in late spring 2011.  Two days later, I opened that box under my bed.  I was definitely missing out on extracurricular activities.  Three days later, I had an old flame come over the house to cheer me up.  Colt and I had been an on and off again relationship.  Colt was more than happy to use Platinum Pete on me as foreplay.  He was always up for anything, anywhere, anytime.  I loved that about him.

I started using Platinum Pete in May.  My girl friends always knew why I was running late if I said, “I ended up taking a longer shower then expected.”  Waterproof toys make a huge difference.  The only place you can get privacy with a locked door is the bathroom when you have a loft.  It was the week of my birthday in December.  I was havingme time in the shower.  The worst possible thing happened before I could finish.  Platinum Pete died.  He made the saddest noise.  I clearly wore him the fuck out.  Ha.

Every woman should own a B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend)

R.I.P.  Platinum Pete May 2011-Dec 2011