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Lesson Still Not Learned… 

Several years ago, I thought I would have learned to put my toys away.  The one time that I left Platinum Pete out in my shower was the day that the cleaning ladies came to the house. Platinum Pete was moved from one shelf to the other.  Embarrassing.  Most parents have been teaching their children to put their toys away since they were little ones.

I was busy at work the other day.  I had a spreadsheet full of data clouding my head when my mother called to tell me that the pest company was at my house to spray.  She called back to say he was going to go spray in my bathroom for sugar ants.  I was enthralled with work and let it go in one ear and out the other.

Two hours later, I was leaving work and sat in my car.  Shit!  I left my bullet out on my sink. Oops, I did it again! Sommabitch.  I was a little embarrassed, but I remembered that it would give the guy a good story to tell for a laugh.  Shit does happen.  We’re all sexual human beings.

I decided to share my embarrassing moment by calling and telling my dad about it.  He had a good laugh and called me an idiot.  Most of you are probably wondering how I could have a conversation like that with my dad.  We are all adults here.  Everyone masturbates or at least they should.  I was lucky enough to grow up in an open household full of inappropriate comments and jokes with a side of sarcastic asshole.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The moral of the story is… pick up your toys and put them away or have the red-faced embarrassment and own that shit in the mirror.

Knuckles Up

What is the average age kids start to indulge in masturbation?  A child starts to notice they have special parts between the ages of two and three.  They play with themselves because it gives them a happy feeling inside.  The kids do not know what they are actually doing though.  The question is when do they realize what that sensation is to them.

My parents used to have parties all the time in Greene County.  The adults would bring the kids over.  The adults would be in the garage and the kids would be inside or on the play set.  There was always a long line for the bathroom.  I was not very good at peeing outside when I was young.  I was six or seven years old at the time.  One of the other girls told me I could get rid of having to pee if I laid on my fist.  She told me to put my fist on my crotch and to lay there until I did not have to pee anymore.  I told her that it gave me a tingling sensation.  She said it worked then.  That was the start of being a cookie monster.

I would lay on my fist every time that I had to pee.  I started doing it when I did not have to pee.  The sensation it gave me was addicting.  I remember in first or second grade that I laid down behind one of the book shelves in the library.  My girlfriends and I would always get a shower together to save time.  I would lay down on my fist before getting in the shower.  I was putting my knuckles up on my Miss Lucy every chance I got.  My mom caught me in our house doing it behind the spare bed.  The cookie monster was out of control.  My mom sat me down and told me that the sensation was actually an orgasm.  I still did not completely understand what that meant or why it was so addicting.

I want to say this is what triggered my openness to sexuality.  I have been getting myself off ever since that first moment.  I am no longer laying down behind bookshelves in schools.  Ha.  I do not want to get arrested for that.  I have graduated to just my bed and shower.  I also take advantage of toys instead of my knuckles.  If I am feeling a little hung over, I indulge in ‘me time’ to get the happy feelings flowing to pick me up.  I love seeing how many times I can get myself off in one sitting.  The record is currently holding at four times.  My one girlfriend recently tied me.  I was so happy for her, but I want to try for five now.  There are few things greater than being open and free with yourself, so you can round those bases into home plate.  Batter, I mean, knuckles up ladies!

Put Your Toys Away

downloadWe were probably all taught to put away our toys after playing with them.  You would think we would remember that rule as an adult.  I used to have a box under my bed with all of my sex toys in it.  I now have them in my night stand.  It is easier access.  Everyone has a place they keep their toys, so they are out of sight.

When I lived in the loft at my parents house, the only place with a door for privacy was the bathroom.  The shower was the only place I could enjoy “me time” without the worry of anyone interrupting me.  I sometimes would leave Platinum Pete on the shelf in my shower.  It was easier leaving him there than always getting him from under my bed.  That typically would be okay since my parents never used my shower.  However, I forgot about the cleaning people who would be cleaning my upstairs including my bathroom.  I left my toy in the shower on the day they were coming to the house.  I completely forgot about it.  I came home from work and I realized it was our cleaning day.  I went to get a shower.  Oh shit.  I noticed Pete was moved from the shelf he usually resides on to a different one.  I was embarrassed for a moment before I started laughing my ass off.  I figured I gave the ladies a good laugh for their day.  Do not get me wrong.  I made sure to not take off on a day the cleaning people would be at the house. 

Lessons from when were children should be remembered as adults.  You should always put your toys away after you are done playing with them.  I did not feel too bad about the situation since I went into my parents bathroom once to grab something and my mom left out one of her toys on the sink counter.  Ha.  We all need reminded of that rule from time to time.

My first Toy

I may have started me time early in life, but I never had a toy.  I had a sex toy party in the fall of 2010.  I purchased Platinum Pete.  My boyfriend at the time, Barry, was not thrilled about my purchase.  He felt threatened by it.  I was told to not open the box and leave it under my bed.

I broke up with Barry in late spring 2011.  Two days later, I opened that box under my bed.  I was definitely missing out on extracurricular activities.  Three days later, I had an old flame come over the house to cheer me up.  Colt and I had been an on and off again relationship.  Colt was more than happy to use Platinum Pete on me as foreplay.  He was always up for anything, anywhere, anytime.  I loved that about him.

I started using Platinum Pete in May.  My girl friends always knew why I was running late if I said, “I ended up taking a longer shower then expected.”  Waterproof toys make a huge difference.  The only place you can get privacy with a locked door is the bathroom when you have a loft.  It was the week of my birthday in December.  I was havingme time in the shower.  The worst possible thing happened before I could finish.  Platinum Pete died.  He made the saddest noise.  I clearly wore him the fuck out.  Ha.

Every woman should own a B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend)

R.I.P.  Platinum Pete May 2011-Dec 2011