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Knuckles Up

What is the average age kids start to indulge in masturbation?  A child starts to notice they have special parts between the ages of two and three.  They play with themselves because it gives them a happy feeling inside.  The kids do not know what they are actually doing though.  The question is when do they realize what that sensation is to them.

My parents used to have parties all the time in Greene County.  The adults would bring the kids over.  The adults would be in the garage and the kids would be inside or on the play set.  There was always a long line for the bathroom.  I was not very good at peeing outside when I was young.  I was six or seven years old at the time.  One of the other girls told me I could get rid of having to pee if I laid on my fist.  She told me to put my fist on my crotch and to lay there until I did not have to pee anymore.  I told her that it gave me a tingling sensation.  She said it worked then.  That was the start of being a cookie monster.

I would lay on my fist every time that I had to pee.  I started doing it when I did not have to pee.  The sensation it gave me was addicting.  I remember in first or second grade that I laid down behind one of the book shelves in the library.  My girlfriends and I would always get a shower together to save time.  I would lay down on my fist before getting in the shower.  I was putting my knuckles up on my Miss Lucy every chance I got.  My mom caught me in our house doing it behind the spare bed.  The cookie monster was out of control.  My mom sat me down and told me that the sensation was actually an orgasm.  I still did not completely understand what that meant or why it was so addicting.

I want to say this is what triggered my openness to sexuality.  I have been getting myself off ever since that first moment.  I am no longer laying down behind bookshelves in schools.  Ha.  I do not want to get arrested for that.  I have graduated to just my bed and shower.  I also take advantage of toys instead of my knuckles.  If I am feeling a little hung over, I indulge in ‘me time’ to get the happy feelings flowing to pick me up.  I love seeing how many times I can get myself off in one sitting.  The record is currently holding at four times.  My one girlfriend recently tied me.  I was so happy for her, but I want to try for five now.  There are few things greater than being open and free with yourself, so you can round those bases into home plate.  Batter, I mean, knuckles up ladies!

Put Your Toys Away

downloadWe were probably all taught to put away our toys after playing with them.  You would think we would remember that rule as an adult.  I used to have a box under my bed with all of my sex toys in it.  I now have them in my night stand.  It is easier access.  Everyone has a place they keep their toys, so they are out of sight.

When I lived in the loft at my parents house, the only place with a door for privacy was the bathroom.  The shower was the only place I could enjoy “me time” without the worry of anyone interrupting me.  I sometimes would leave Platinum Pete on the shelf in my shower.  It was easier leaving him there than always getting him from under my bed.  That typically would be okay since my parents never used my shower.  However, I forgot about the cleaning people who would be cleaning my upstairs including my bathroom.  I left my toy in the shower on the day they were coming to the house.  I completely forgot about it.  I came home from work and I realized it was our cleaning day.  I went to get a shower.  Oh shit.  I noticed Pete was moved from the shelf he usually resides on to a different one.  I was embarrassed for a moment before I started laughing my ass off.  I figured I gave the ladies a good laugh for their day.  Do not get me wrong.  I made sure to not take off on a day the cleaning people would be at the house. 

Lessons from when were children should be remembered as adults.  You should always put your toys away after you are done playing with them.  I did not feel too bad about the situation since I went into my parents bathroom once to grab something and my mom left out one of her toys on the sink counter.  Ha.  We all need reminded of that rule from time to time.

Don’t Drink and Groupon

We are all guilty of doing or buying things when we are intoxicated.  There are a lot of actions we would not do sober.  There are even more words we would not say when we are of sober mind.  Did we need to buy five rounds of shots for our friends?  The answer is probably not at that point.  Should we have went home with Jimbob after the bar?  No.  Should we have ditched all of our friends?  No.  The only thing you should take home after a night of drinking is pizza.  I learned that from my buddy, Ethan.  He said you do not wake up with regret and you have something to eat the next afternoon.

My one girlfriend, Roxana, was at home and enjoying a few or more glasses of wine.  She jumped on Groupon and was perusing all of the deals going on that evening.  She stumbled upon something that peaked her interest.  It was called the ‘Real Feel Deluxe.’  It was a dildo and it was a biggen.  Roxana is a single woman with a healthy sex drive.  Dildo on discount?  Sold.  She bought the 9″ wall banger.  She was very excited about her purchase!

Roxana received a very large box in the mail several days later.  She had no clue what could be in it.  She did not think the dildo would need to come in a huge box.  (that’s what she said, literally)  HaHa.  Roxana opened the box and to her surprise it was the dildo she ordered off of Groupon.  However, she got the 11″ instead of the 9″.  Hiiiiii Ohhhh.  She took it out of the box.  It was huge not only length wise but also girth.  Roxana took this as a challenge.  She put her best foot forward or should I say her feet apart.  She was laying on her bed on her back to give this ‘Real Feel Deluxe’ a run for its money.  Unfortunately, she only could get the tip in before feeling like she had to shit from the pressure of the large dildo inside of her.  She did what any broad would do next.  She said, “Fuck that!”

imageI support sex toys.  Single or in a relationship.  They make the world a happier place.  B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend) helps prevent pregnancies and STDs.  It is the safest kind of D out there.  However, I do not suggest drinking and buying dildos or vibrators.  You may end up with more than your Miss Lucy can break off.  She isn’t the black hole.  Well, maybe some of you ladies have a black hole.  No judgment.  Get in where you fit in.

Don’t Shit Where You Eat

There are reasons you should not date someone you work with at the same company.  Not to mention in the same building.  This also pertains to the gym.  If it is somewhere you go on a routine basis, do not mix business with pleasure.  The problem is majority of dating does not last forever.  It will end.  It could end horribly for both people.  You typically want to avoid seeing that person.  You cannot avoid going to work.  If you avoid the gym, you are only hurting yourself.  It is a lose, lose situation.

It was sometime in spring 2008.  I saw this gorgeous man in the building I worked at in Southside.  I was not sure if he worked there or not.  I started seeing him in the lobby and elevators.  I went on a hunt for him one day with a coworker of mine.  We checked the second floor.  He was not there.  We checked the fourth floor.  Bingo!  We casually walked by his cubical to see his name.  We went back down to the third floor where we worked.  I looked Jim up in the email directory.  I was bold and emailed him.  I told him I had seen him around the office and wanted to invite him to happy hour after work.  Jim surprisingly said he would love to join us.

We hit it off.  A couple of weeks later I went back to his place with him.  Jim was even sexier without his clothes on.  It wasn’t amazing sex, but it was better than the sex I was having with my ex-boyfriend Gary.  Anything is better than a plain, unsalted rice cake.  It was around the third or fourth time we slept together and something different happened.  It was late at night and dark in the room.  We tore our clothes off.  I felt something cold on my thigh.  I sat up in the bed.  I said, “What the fuck is that?!”  Jim replied, “It’s a vibrator!”  I turned on the light next to his bed.  A pink vibrator was on my leg.  I had no idea what to say for a moment.  I asked him where it came from and why did he have it.  He said he thought women liked vibrators, so he bought one to keep next to his bed.  I freaked out on him.  I said I had no idea where it has been or who it has been in and I did not want that in me.  He replied to me saying, “It is clean.  I washed it in the dishwasher.”  Oh hell no.  Jim realized I was not on board with his random vibrator.  I told him I was not feeling good and had to go home.  I could not even look at him in the eyes.

It is one thing for someone to have their own toy and have their partner use it on them.  It is a completely different ballgame for someone to use their toy on someone else.  You do not know who they have used the toy on previously in their bedroom.  And who puts a sex toy in the dishwasher?!  I do not want my sex toy mixed in with my dirty dishes.  You do not shove food up in your vagina.  Well, some people have done that.  It may have been a cucumber that was in the refrigerator or a frozen hot dog in the freezer.  We all have those friends.  Those stories never end on a happy note.  I avoided going to the floor that Jim worked on.  If I saw him in the building, I turned and walked the other way.  It was awkward.  I learned why you should not shit where you eat.  I have followed that rule since I learned that lesson.

My first Toy

I may have started me time early in life, but I never had a toy.  I had a sex toy party in the fall of 2010.  I purchased Platinum Pete.  My boyfriend at the time, Barry, was not thrilled about my purchase.  He felt threatened by it.  I was told to not open the box and leave it under my bed.

I broke up with Barry in late spring 2011.  Two days later, I opened that box under my bed.  I was definitely missing out on extracurricular activities.  Three days later, I had an old flame come over the house to cheer me up.  Colt and I had been an on and off again relationship.  Colt was more than happy to use Platinum Pete on me as foreplay.  He was always up for anything, anywhere, anytime.  I loved that about him.

I started using Platinum Pete in May.  My girl friends always knew why I was running late if I said, “I ended up taking a longer shower then expected.”  Waterproof toys make a huge difference.  The only place you can get privacy with a locked door is the bathroom when you have a loft.  It was the week of my birthday in December.  I was havingme time in the shower.  The worst possible thing happened before I could finish.  Platinum Pete died.  He made the saddest noise.  I clearly wore him the fuck out.  Ha.

Every woman should own a B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend)

R.I.P.  Platinum Pete May 2011-Dec 2011