Awaken the Cookie Monster

I used to be a bunny rabbit with sex in my younger years.  I couldn’t have enough of it.  I even was guilty of two guys in one night when Gary lost the air in his sails one evening.  I literally got a text from Jase whose ringtone was “If you’re horny..” while I was straddling Gary and his limp dick.  HaHa.  I got dressed so fast to say goodbye to Gary and head over to Jase’s place.  I was a bit of a sloot back then.  No shame.  If one wasn’t enough or didn’t satisfy me, I was always up for another go around.  I loved sex.  

In my seasoned years, I haven’t lost my love for sex, but I have learned that quality is better over quantity.  Yes, majority of women could have sex whenever they wanted.  We have the cookie jar.  We have the V-card.  I used to be such a cranky bitch when I was going without sex.  It would only be a few weeks or a month.  You would have thought I was dying of that dick hunger.  The thirst.  However, I now go three to nine months of no sex and I am perfectly okay.  Granted, I do put my toys to good use in that timeframe.  I am human.  Everyone still needs an orgasm a day to keep the grumpiness at bay.

I recently was on a five month sex hiatus.  I then got some vitamin D in my life.  You would typically think that once you have that itch scratched you would be good to go for a while again.  Nope.  Not the case with me.  I ended up being friskier than ever.  The dick awoken Miss Lucy the ‘Cookie Monster.’  I found myself squirming from the desire to have an orgasm at least once every day.  It was like a fire inbetween my legs of heat and wetness.  No one wants to see a broad squirming in their pants.  There are just too many options as to what the problem is with her down there.  Most of them are not cute because no one thinks women get that frisky.  

Another reason that I could never have my clit pierced.  I am frisky enough with my pants rubbing down there.  I would be a walking orgasm if I got my clit pierced.

 Anyways, I was getting myself off before bed, in the morning, after work, and I even thought about it when I went home on lunch to let the dogs out.  Lawd, child, calm down Cookie Monster.  I was getting ready to go meet one of my girlfriends for food and drinks and got the urge.  I was all dressed and ready to walk out the door.  I turned around and headed straight back to my room for a quick “O.”  

It is crazy to think one fuck could turn me back into the energizer bunny that I once was in my life.  Maybe, I will get lucky enough to find a firefighter to put out that fire ::wink, wink::  Until then, thank God that sex toys are now rechargeable or I would be burning through some double A batteries like no ones business.  

Petri dish Faux Pas

Who has ever had sex with someone who their friend also did?  ::raises hand::  I call that the Petri dish.  We have all been there.  It was typically when we were in high school or college due to slim pickings.  The pond was only so big at that age group.  It was expected to have overlapping dicks and vaginas in friend groups.  However, I am over that age range now.  I am not in lifestyle and I do not like to share.  I was an only child, ya know.  The Petri dish is not for me.  It is even more of a faux pas when you are going after someone who your friend is currently sexing while you are at their house.  

One evening, I had an after party at my house per usual.  I hooked up with Josiah a couple of months ago.  He had a bit of a baggage, hard to navigate situation, so I took the laid back approach with him.  I let him come to me for another round once things settled down for him.  Josiah told me he was coming over.  I was obviously excited.  Everyone loves the opportunity to have sex!  I was sitting at my table and told my best friend, Maya, that he was coming over.  Paisley was also sitting at the table and inquired who I was talking about.  I told Paisley that Josiah was coming over.  Paisley then said something along the lines of, “I’ll gladly take your sloppy seconds of him.”  Maya and I exchanged looks of  “did she just say that?!” with each other.  I knew Paisley was three sheets to the wind but that was awkward as all hell.  I laughed awkwardly and said, “Uhh, okay.”  What do you say to that?  Paisley and I are not best friends, but we are friends.  I do not want to have sex with men who my friends have been with before me.  I did not understand why she was like orphan Annie begging for my food.  I decided to fluff it off my shoulder.  It was better to not dwell on drunken words.

Josiah got to the house.  He was doing heavy PDA.  Maya was not used to seeing this kind of display of a man with me.  She told me to have him heel.  Ha.  I was getting restless.  I would never have sex if I waited for everyone to leave my house.  I said, “Fuck it.”  I grabbed Josiah and retired to my bedroom.  We started ripping off each others clothes as if they were on fire.    

MadeaHallSide Bar–He has a lovely, big dick.  He even knows how to use it.  There is no better feeling than the weight of a man on top of you with a big dick inside of you.  AMEN.  

We were going at it for a while.  I was commanding him to bite me harder while holding my neck tightly.  He came so hard that he shouted out “Fuck” loudly.  We laid there for a little bit and I dozed off.  I woke up and he was not in bed.  I looked on the floor and saw Josiah’s shoes.  He was still there somewhere.  The little nap that I had must have re-energized me because I was ready to go again.  I knew people were still in the house, so instead of waiting for him, I grabbed a toy and went to town on myself.  

I was officially parched.  I threw on my sexy, satan robe to go grab a glass of water.  Keep in mind, I was not wearing my glasses or had contacts in my eyes.  I am blind.  I opened the bedroom door and I swore that I saw Paisley jump away from Josiah on the couch.  The thoughts started flowing in my head, “No, this bitch did not just try getting on him while he was still wearing my pussy juices.  He just had sex with me.  We are in my house.  How desperate is she?  Does she not have any self-respect?  Can she not get her own man?”  However, I reminded myself that maybe it is not what I thought I saw because I couldn’t see clearly.  Josiah said something to me that did not even register.  I responded with, “No, just no.”  I got my glass of water and walked my big ass back to my bedroom.  I was still reeling in my head over what I may or may not have seen in my living room.  I laid down and Josiah came in my room.  He started with a bunch of questions.  I told him what I thought I saw out there.  He said that nothing was going on and seemed shocked that I would even think that of him and her.  I told him what Paisley said earlier in the evening.  He said he would never go there because she was Fred’s ex-girlfriend.  At that point, I was over it.  We went for another round of sex.  Paisley left my house at some point of us rolling around in bed.  

We laid in bed for a while.  I got frisky again and Josiah obliged me by playing with Miss Lucy after he felt how wet I was again.  It had been a while since I got to enjoy the little things like foreplay.  He was playing with my clit to the point that I was begging him to put his fingers inside me.  He gave into my pleas and I was gripping the sheets as if to hold onto the earth.  Josiah surprised me by putting his thumb in me and hitting my G-Spot.  God Damn.  I haven’t had that much fun and enjoyment without ending in sex in a long time.  It was very nice.

We forced ourselves out of bed.  I jumped in the shower to wake up.  We ended up relaxing on the couch for a few more hours.  Josiah told me that Paisley requested him on Facebook and she messaged him on there.  My response was, “Did she ask if your shift was over with me yet?”  I was literally chuckling over this nonsense.  I started thinking that her drunk thoughts were actually her real thoughts.  Her actions were so faux pas.  Josiah laughed at my commentary.  He left my house after 6pm.

I thought he would be the perfect fuck buddy until I heard from a little bird that Paisley had been texting with Josiah all week.  I immediately shut that shit down on my end.  I folded in the card game.  I do not share dick with friends/people who party at my house.  I texted Josiah and PetriDishtold him that I do not do Petri dishes.  It was not for me.  Paisley could truly have my sloppy seconds.  I could always find another man to satisfy me.  I am too old to compete over some dick.  I also made a mental note that Paisley lost her party pass to my house.  I do not want vultures circling the man meat that I invite over to my house for my vagina.  You only get one vagina or dick in your life.  You do not want what is in that Petri dish in or on you.  You cannot go out on Craigslist and buy a new one if you fuck up your parts.  This was a perfect example as to why I have a dish of condoms on my table.  Keep those Petri dishes clean kids.

A Work Out

Some people love to work out.  Most people think that involves a gym, weights, treadmill, or running outside.  There are a lot workouts that come to mind, but we sometimes forget about sex and me time being in that category.  Those are the most fun type of workouts too!  How could we forget about those?!

I was up late one night drinking.  My best friend had left my house around 3:00 am.  I was drunk and not ready to go to bed.  I somehow end up messaging an ol friend from back home.  Our conversation went from friendly catch up to “Oh Hellooo.”  I forgot how much I enjoyed a good dick pic and video.  Needless to say, Miss Lucy was not ready for bed either.  I went to bed and spent two hours going to town on myself.  I hit that “O” three times.  I was so impressed until I saw that it was now 5:00 am.  Lawd Child, Go to Bed!  

I got up later that day and indulged myself a couple more times.  I legit wore out three of my toys batteries.  Thank god that I had them all charged and ready for the marathon. 

Side bar– the rechargeable toys are where it is at!  I used to go through double A batteries like no ones business.  They save you money.

My friends came over later that night and I noticed how sore I was in certain spots.  My abs and upper thighs felt like I spent days in the gym.  I’m oblivious as to why I was sore.  I told my girl that I was sore and she asked what I did recently.  ::light bulb::  I played with myself for so long that I gave my core a hard workout!

The lesson of the day was that not all workouts have to be outside of your bedroom.  You can hit that core while you are still laying in your bed sheets.  

Lesson Still Not Learned… 

Several years ago, I thought I would have learned to put my toys away.  The one time that I left Platinum Pete out in my shower was the day that the cleaning ladies came to the house. Platinum Pete was moved from one shelf to the other.  Embarrassing.  Most parents have been teaching their children to put their toys away since they were little ones.

I was busy at work the other day.  I had a spreadsheet full of data clouding my head when my mother called to tell me that the pest company was at my house to spray.  She called back to say he was going to go spray in my bathroom for sugar ants.  I was enthralled with work and let it go in one ear and out the other.

Two hours later, I was leaving work and sat in my car.  Shit!  I left my bullet out on my sink. Oops, I did it again! Sommabitch.  I was a little embarrassed, but I remembered that it would give the guy a good story to tell for a laugh.  Shit does happen.  We’re all sexual human beings.

I decided to share my embarrassing moment by calling and telling my dad about it.  He had a good laugh and called me an idiot.  Most of you are probably wondering how I could have a conversation like that with my dad.  We are all adults here.  Everyone masturbates or at least they should.  I was lucky enough to grow up in an open household full of inappropriate comments and jokes with a side of sarcastic asshole.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The moral of the story is… pick up your toys and put them away or have the red-faced embarrassment and own that shit in the mirror.

Knuckles Up

What is the average age kids start to indulge in masturbation?  A child starts to notice they have special parts between the ages of two and three.  They play with themselves because it gives them a happy feeling inside.  The kids do not know what they are actually doing though.  The question is when do they realize what that sensation is to them.

My parents used to have parties all the time in Greene County.  The adults would bring the kids over.  The adults would be in the garage and the kids would be inside or on the play set.  There was always a long line for the bathroom.  I was not very good at peeing outside when I was young.  I was six or seven years old at the time.  One of the other girls told me I could get rid of having to pee if I laid on my fist.  She told me to put my fist on my crotch and to lay there until I did not have to pee anymore.  I told her that it gave me a tingling sensation.  She said it worked then.  That was the start of being a cookie monster.

I would lay on my fist every time that I had to pee.  I started doing it when I did not have to pee.  The sensation it gave me was addicting.  I remember in first or second grade that I laid down behind one of the book shelves in the library.  My girlfriends and I would always get a shower together to save time.  I would lay down on my fist before getting in the shower.  I was putting my knuckles up on my Miss Lucy every chance I got.  My mom caught me in our house doing it behind the spare bed.  The cookie monster was out of control.  My mom sat me down and told me that the sensation was actually an orgasm.  I still did not completely understand what that meant or why it was so addicting.

I want to say this is what triggered my openness to sexuality.  I have been getting myself off ever since that first moment.  I am no longer laying down behind bookshelves in schools.  Ha.  I do not want to get arrested for that.  I have graduated to just my bed and shower.  I also take advantage of toys instead of my knuckles.  If I am feeling a little hung over, I indulge in ‘me time’ to get the happy feelings flowing to pick me up.  I love seeing how many times I can get myself off in one sitting.  The record is currently holding at four times.  My one girlfriend recently tied me.  I was so happy for her, but I want to try for five now.  There are few things greater than being open and free with yourself, so you can round those bases into home plate.  Batter, I mean, knuckles up ladies!

Don’t Shit Where You Eat

There are reasons you should not date someone you work with at the same company.  Not to mention in the same building.  This also pertains to the gym.  If it is somewhere you go on a routine basis, do not mix business with pleasure.  The problem is majority of dating does not last forever.  It will end.  It could end horribly for both people.  You typically want to avoid seeing that person.  You cannot avoid going to work.  If you avoid the gym, you are only hurting yourself.  It is a lose, lose situation.

It was sometime in spring 2008.  I saw this gorgeous man in the building I worked at in Southside.  I was not sure if he worked there or not.  I started seeing him in the lobby and elevators.  I went on a hunt for him one day with a coworker of mine.  We checked the second floor.  He was not there.  We checked the fourth floor.  Bingo!  We casually walked by his cubical to see his name.  We went back down to the third floor where we worked.  I looked Jim up in the email directory.  I was bold and emailed him.  I told him I had seen him around the office and wanted to invite him to happy hour after work.  Jim surprisingly said he would love to join us.

We hit it off.  A couple of weeks later I went back to his place with him.  Jim was even sexier without his clothes on.  It wasn’t amazing sex, but it was better than the sex I was having with my ex-boyfriend Gary.  Anything is better than a plain, unsalted rice cake.  It was around the third or fourth time we slept together and something different happened.  It was late at night and dark in the room.  We tore our clothes off.  I felt something cold on my thigh.  I sat up in the bed.  I said, “What the fuck is that?!”  Jim replied, “It’s a vibrator!”  I turned on the light next to his bed.  A pink vibrator was on my leg.  I had no idea what to say for a moment.  I asked him where it came from and why did he have it.  He said he thought women liked vibrators, so he bought one to keep next to his bed.  I freaked out on him.  I said I had no idea where it has been or who it has been in and I did not want that in me.  He replied to me saying, “It is clean.  I washed it in the dishwasher.”  Oh hell no.  Jim realized I was not on board with his random vibrator.  I told him I was not feeling good and had to go home.  I could not even look at him in the eyes.

It is one thing for someone to have their own toy and have their partner use it on them.  It is a completely different ballgame for someone to use their toy on someone else.  You do not know who they have used the toy on previously in their bedroom.  And who puts a sex toy in the dishwasher?!  I do not want my sex toy mixed in with my dirty dishes.  You do not shove food up in your vagina.  Well, some people have done that.  It may have been a cucumber that was in the refrigerator or a frozen hot dog in the freezer.  We all have those friends.  Those stories never end on a happy note.  I avoided going to the floor that Jim worked on.  If I saw him in the building, I turned and walked the other way.  It was awkward.  I learned why you should not shit where you eat.  I have followed that rule since I learned that lesson.