Archives

Lesson Still Not Learned… 

Several years ago, I thought I would have learned to put my toys away.  The one time that I left Platinum Pete out in my shower was the day that the cleaning ladies came to the house. Platinum Pete was moved from one shelf to the other.  Embarrassing.  Most parents have been teaching their children to put their toys away since they were little ones.

I was busy at work the other day.  I had a spreadsheet full of data clouding my head when my mother called to tell me that the pest company was at my house to spray.  She called back to say he was going to go spray in my bathroom for sugar ants.  I was enthralled with work and let it go in one ear and out the other.

Two hours later, I was leaving work and sat in my car.  Shit!  I left my bullet out on my sink. Oops, I did it again! Sommabitch.  I was a little embarrassed, but I remembered that it would give the guy a good story to tell for a laugh.  Shit does happen.  We’re all sexual human beings.

I decided to share my embarrassing moment by calling and telling my dad about it.  He had a good laugh and called me an idiot.  Most of you are probably wondering how I could have a conversation like that with my dad.  We are all adults here.  Everyone masturbates or at least they should.  I was lucky enough to grow up in an open household full of inappropriate comments and jokes with a side of sarcastic asshole.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The moral of the story is… pick up your toys and put them away or have the red-faced embarrassment and own that shit in the mirror.

Knuckles Up

What is the average age kids start to indulge in masturbation?  A child starts to notice they have special parts between the ages of two and three.  They play with themselves because it gives them a happy feeling inside.  The kids do not know what they are actually doing though.  The question is when do they realize what that sensation is to them.

My parents used to have parties all the time in Greene County.  The adults would bring the kids over.  The adults would be in the garage and the kids would be inside or on the play set.  There was always a long line for the bathroom.  I was not very good at peeing outside when I was young.  I was six or seven years old at the time.  One of the other girls told me I could get rid of having to pee if I laid on my fist.  She told me to put my fist on my crotch and to lay there until I did not have to pee anymore.  I told her that it gave me a tingling sensation.  She said it worked then.  That was the start of being a cookie monster.

I would lay on my fist every time that I had to pee.  I started doing it when I did not have to pee.  The sensation it gave me was addicting.  I remember in first or second grade that I laid down behind one of the book shelves in the library.  My girlfriends and I would always get a shower together to save time.  I would lay down on my fist before getting in the shower.  I was putting my knuckles up on my Miss Lucy every chance I got.  My mom caught me in our house doing it behind the spare bed.  The cookie monster was out of control.  My mom sat me down and told me that the sensation was actually an orgasm.  I still did not completely understand what that meant or why it was so addicting.

I want to say this is what triggered my openness to sexuality.  I have been getting myself off ever since that first moment.  I am no longer laying down behind bookshelves in schools.  Ha.  I do not want to get arrested for that.  I have graduated to just my bed and shower.  I also take advantage of toys instead of my knuckles.  If I am feeling a little hung over, I indulge in ‘me time’ to get the happy feelings flowing to pick me up.  I love seeing how many times I can get myself off in one sitting.  The record is currently holding at four times.  My one girlfriend recently tied me.  I was so happy for her, but I want to try for five now.  There are few things greater than being open and free with yourself, so you can round those bases into home plate.  Batter, I mean, knuckles up ladies!

Don’t Shit Where You Eat

There are reasons you should not date someone you work with at the same company.  Not to mention in the same building.  This also pertains to the gym.  If it is somewhere you go on a routine basis, do not mix business with pleasure.  The problem is majority of dating does not last forever.  It will end.  It could end horribly for both people.  You typically want to avoid seeing that person.  You cannot avoid going to work.  If you avoid the gym, you are only hurting yourself.  It is a lose, lose situation.

It was sometime in spring 2008.  I saw this gorgeous man in the building I worked at in Southside.  I was not sure if he worked there or not.  I started seeing him in the lobby and elevators.  I went on a hunt for him one day with a coworker of mine.  We checked the second floor.  He was not there.  We checked the fourth floor.  Bingo!  We casually walked by his cubical to see his name.  We went back down to the third floor where we worked.  I looked Jim up in the email directory.  I was bold and emailed him.  I told him I had seen him around the office and wanted to invite him to happy hour after work.  Jim surprisingly said he would love to join us.

We hit it off.  A couple of weeks later I went back to his place with him.  Jim was even sexier without his clothes on.  It wasn’t amazing sex, but it was better than the sex I was having with my ex-boyfriend Gary.  Anything is better than a plain, unsalted rice cake.  It was around the third or fourth time we slept together and something different happened.  It was late at night and dark in the room.  We tore our clothes off.  I felt something cold on my thigh.  I sat up in the bed.  I said, “What the fuck is that?!”  Jim replied, “It’s a vibrator!”  I turned on the light next to his bed.  A pink vibrator was on my leg.  I had no idea what to say for a moment.  I asked him where it came from and why did he have it.  He said he thought women liked vibrators, so he bought one to keep next to his bed.  I freaked out on him.  I said I had no idea where it has been or who it has been in and I did not want that in me.  He replied to me saying, “It is clean.  I washed it in the dishwasher.”  Oh hell no.  Jim realized I was not on board with his random vibrator.  I told him I was not feeling good and had to go home.  I could not even look at him in the eyes.

It is one thing for someone to have their own toy and have their partner use it on them.  It is a completely different ballgame for someone to use their toy on someone else.  You do not know who they have used the toy on previously in their bedroom.  And who puts a sex toy in the dishwasher?!  I do not want my sex toy mixed in with my dirty dishes.  You do not shove food up in your vagina.  Well, some people have done that.  It may have been a cucumber that was in the refrigerator or a frozen hot dog in the freezer.  We all have those friends.  Those stories never end on a happy note.  I avoided going to the floor that Jim worked on.  If I saw him in the building, I turned and walked the other way.  It was awkward.  I learned why you should not shit where you eat.  I have followed that rule since I learned that lesson.