Awaken the Cookie Monster

I used to be a bunny rabbit with sex in my younger years.  I couldn’t have enough of it.  I even was guilty of two guys in one night when Gary lost the air in his sails one evening.  I literally got a text from Jase whose ringtone was “If you’re horny..” while I was straddling Gary and his limp dick.  HaHa.  I got dressed so fast to say goodbye to Gary and head over to Jase’s place.  I was a bit of a sloot back then.  No shame.  If one wasn’t enough or didn’t satisfy me, I was always up for another go around.  I loved sex.  

In my seasoned years, I haven’t lost my love for sex, but I have learned that quality is better over quantity.  Yes, majority of women could have sex whenever they wanted.  We have the cookie jar.  We have the V-card.  I used to be such a cranky bitch when I was going without sex.  It would only be a few weeks or a month.  You would have thought I was dying of that dick hunger.  The thirst.  However, I now go three to nine months of no sex and I am perfectly okay.  Granted, I do put my toys to good use in that timeframe.  I am human.  Everyone still needs an orgasm a day to keep the grumpiness at bay.

I recently was on a five month sex hiatus.  I then got some vitamin D in my life.  You would typically think that once you have that itch scratched you would be good to go for a while again.  Nope.  Not the case with me.  I ended up being friskier than ever.  The dick awoken Miss Lucy the ‘Cookie Monster.’  I found myself squirming from the desire to have an orgasm at least once every day.  It was like a fire inbetween my legs of heat and wetness.  No one wants to see a broad squirming in their pants.  There are just too many options as to what the problem is with her down there.  Most of them are not cute because no one thinks women get that frisky.  

Another reason that I could never have my clit pierced.  I am frisky enough with my pants rubbing down there.  I would be a walking orgasm if I got my clit pierced.

 Anyways, I was getting myself off before bed, in the morning, after work, and I even thought about it when I went home on lunch to let the dogs out.  Lawd, child, calm down Cookie Monster.  I was getting ready to go meet one of my girlfriends for food and drinks and got the urge.  I was all dressed and ready to walk out the door.  I turned around and headed straight back to my room for a quick “O.”  

It is crazy to think one fuck could turn me back into the energizer bunny that I once was in my life.  Maybe, I will get lucky enough to find a firefighter to put out that fire ::wink, wink::  Until then, thank God that sex toys are now rechargeable or I would be burning through some double A batteries like no ones business.  

Petri dish Faux Pas

Who has ever had sex with someone who their friend also did?  ::raises hand::  I call that the Petri dish.  We have all been there.  It was typically when we were in high school or college due to slim pickings.  The pond was only so big at that age group.  It was expected to have overlapping dicks and vaginas in friend groups.  However, I am over that age range now.  I am not in lifestyle and I do not like to share.  I was an only child, ya know.  The Petri dish is not for me.  It is even more of a faux pas when you are going after someone who your friend is currently sexing while you are at their house.  

One evening, I had an after party at my house per usual.  I hooked up with Josiah a couple of months ago.  He had a bit of a baggage, hard to navigate situation, so I took the laid back approach with him.  I let him come to me for another round once things settled down for him.  Josiah told me he was coming over.  I was obviously excited.  Everyone loves the opportunity to have sex!  I was sitting at my table and told my best friend, Maya, that he was coming over.  Paisley was also sitting at the table and inquired who I was talking about.  I told Paisley that Josiah was coming over.  Paisley then said something along the lines of, “I’ll gladly take your sloppy seconds of him.”  Maya and I exchanged looks of  “did she just say that?!” with each other.  I knew Paisley was three sheets to the wind but that was awkward as all hell.  I laughed awkwardly and said, “Uhh, okay.”  What do you say to that?  Paisley and I are not best friends, but we are friends.  I do not want to have sex with men who my friends have been with before me.  I did not understand why she was like orphan Annie begging for my food.  I decided to fluff it off my shoulder.  It was better to not dwell on drunken words.

Josiah got to the house.  He was doing heavy PDA.  Maya was not used to seeing this kind of display of a man with me.  She told me to have him heel.  Ha.  I was getting restless.  I would never have sex if I waited for everyone to leave my house.  I said, “Fuck it.”  I grabbed Josiah and retired to my bedroom.  We started ripping off each others clothes as if they were on fire.    

MadeaHallSide Bar–He has a lovely, big dick.  He even knows how to use it.  There is no better feeling than the weight of a man on top of you with a big dick inside of you.  AMEN.  

We were going at it for a while.  I was commanding him to bite me harder while holding my neck tightly.  He came so hard that he shouted out “Fuck” loudly.  We laid there for a little bit and I dozed off.  I woke up and he was not in bed.  I looked on the floor and saw Josiah’s shoes.  He was still there somewhere.  The little nap that I had must have re-energized me because I was ready to go again.  I knew people were still in the house, so instead of waiting for him, I grabbed a toy and went to town on myself.  

I was officially parched.  I threw on my sexy, satan robe to go grab a glass of water.  Keep in mind, I was not wearing my glasses or had contacts in my eyes.  I am blind.  I opened the bedroom door and I swore that I saw Paisley jump away from Josiah on the couch.  The thoughts started flowing in my head, “No, this bitch did not just try getting on him while he was still wearing my pussy juices.  He just had sex with me.  We are in my house.  How desperate is she?  Does she not have any self-respect?  Can she not get her own man?”  However, I reminded myself that maybe it is not what I thought I saw because I couldn’t see clearly.  Josiah said something to me that did not even register.  I responded with, “No, just no.”  I got my glass of water and walked my big ass back to my bedroom.  I was still reeling in my head over what I may or may not have seen in my living room.  I laid down and Josiah came in my room.  He started with a bunch of questions.  I told him what I thought I saw out there.  He said that nothing was going on and seemed shocked that I would even think that of him and her.  I told him what Paisley said earlier in the evening.  He said he would never go there because she was Fred’s ex-girlfriend.  At that point, I was over it.  We went for another round of sex.  Paisley left my house at some point of us rolling around in bed.  

We laid in bed for a while.  I got frisky again and Josiah obliged me by playing with Miss Lucy after he felt how wet I was again.  It had been a while since I got to enjoy the little things like foreplay.  He was playing with my clit to the point that I was begging him to put his fingers inside me.  He gave into my pleas and I was gripping the sheets as if to hold onto the earth.  Josiah surprised me by putting his thumb in me and hitting my G-Spot.  God Damn.  I haven’t had that much fun and enjoyment without ending in sex in a long time.  It was very nice.

We forced ourselves out of bed.  I jumped in the shower to wake up.  We ended up relaxing on the couch for a few more hours.  Josiah told me that Paisley requested him on Facebook and she messaged him on there.  My response was, “Did she ask if your shift was over with me yet?”  I was literally chuckling over this nonsense.  I started thinking that her drunk thoughts were actually her real thoughts.  Her actions were so faux pas.  Josiah laughed at my commentary.  He left my house after 6pm.

I thought he would be the perfect fuck buddy until I heard from a little bird that Paisley had been texting with Josiah all week.  I immediately shut that shit down on my end.  I folded in the card game.  I do not share dick with friends/people who party at my house.  I texted Josiah and PetriDishtold him that I do not do Petri dishes.  It was not for me.  Paisley could truly have my sloppy seconds.  I could always find another man to satisfy me.  I am too old to compete over some dick.  I also made a mental note that Paisley lost her party pass to my house.  I do not want vultures circling the man meat that I invite over to my house for my vagina.  You only get one vagina or dick in your life.  You do not want what is in that Petri dish in or on you.  You cannot go out on Craigslist and buy a new one if you fuck up your parts.  This was a perfect example as to why I have a dish of condoms on my table.  Keep those Petri dishes clean kids.

A Work Out

Some people love to work out.  Most people think that involves a gym, weights, treadmill, or running outside.  There are a lot workouts that come to mind, but we sometimes forget about sex and me time being in that category.  Those are the most fun type of workouts too!  How could we forget about those?!

I was up late one night drinking.  My best friend had left my house around 3:00 am.  I was drunk and not ready to go to bed.  I somehow end up messaging an ol friend from back home.  Our conversation went from friendly catch up to “Oh Hellooo.”  I forgot how much I enjoyed a good dick pic and video.  Needless to say, Miss Lucy was not ready for bed either.  I went to bed and spent two hours going to town on myself.  I hit that “O” three times.  I was so impressed until I saw that it was now 5:00 am.  Lawd Child, Go to Bed!  

I got up later that day and indulged myself a couple more times.  I legit wore out three of my toys batteries.  Thank god that I had them all charged and ready for the marathon. 

Side bar– the rechargeable toys are where it is at!  I used to go through double A batteries like no ones business.  They save you money.

My friends came over later that night and I noticed how sore I was in certain spots.  My abs and upper thighs felt like I spent days in the gym.  I’m oblivious as to why I was sore.  I told my girl that I was sore and she asked what I did recently.  ::light bulb::  I played with myself for so long that I gave my core a hard workout!

The lesson of the day was that not all workouts have to be outside of your bedroom.  You can hit that core while you are still laying in your bed sheets.  

Leaving Your Mark

Have you ever wondered if you left a lasting impression on someone or made your mark to be remembered?  How do you even go about leaving that kind of mark or impression on someone?  Is it out of your control?  Lezbehonest, no one wants to be forgettable.

I started talking to a young, southern stud over a year ago.  Keaton did not live in Florida, but he was in the state every so often for work.  He was ten years younger than me but that doesn’t matter when its sexual attraction.  We kept in touch over a year.  We would text, Snapchat, and sext.  I definitely gasped when he sent me a picture of his dick.  It was a beautiful and big.  It was the kind of dick picture that made you want a cigarette after seeing it.  It was fun because it created pent up sexual frustration between us.

After a years time went by, Keaton was in town for work.  I was going a few months of no sex.  He told me where he was staying while in town.  I wasn’t sure if I should seize the opportunity.  I know what you’re thinking, ‘Why the hell not?!’  I was factoring in my hiatus from sex, his big dick, age and if I could successfully ride that stud.

My girlfriends basically smacked some sense into me.  I decided I would go to his hotel, but I needed some liquid courage.  My friends and I started ordering shots while I was tossing some beers back.  I had a solid buzz on and the time seemed to be now or never, so I ordered my uber.  Yes, I ordered an uber to take me to have sex.  I got to the hotel lobby and asked the man behind the desk where to go for Keaton’s room.  He handed me a map.  Oh, this was going to be a fun excursion finding his room drunk.  There were groups of men standing around in the parking lots whistling and so on.  I felt like a hooker.  I found extreme humor in this situation.  I finally found his room.  

Keaton greeted me shirtless with a big smile.  I’m pretty sure I was immediately wet.  ::Whew::  He was thankfully drinking and offered me a beer as well.  We all know first times are better drunk.  We bullshitted for a little bit until he took matters into his own hands.  He pulled me into him and started kissing me hard while running his hands over me.  Clothes started flying off.  The next thing I knew he was pushing that big dick in me. Lawd, baby jesus, I thought I saw the light.  It was that good hurt.  We rolled around for a while before finishing.  We laid there for a little bit.  I attempted to get up and start putting my clothes on when he grabbed my arm and said, “Where do you think you’re going?”  I assumed we were done.  I was wrong.  Keaton pulled me back in bed on top of him.  We went for round two.  It was just as good if not better than our first go around.  Our sexual chemistry was amazing!

I looked at my phone to find my friends were blowing me up.  I looked at Keaton and so badly wanted to stay in that bed for round three.  Yes, he was ready to go again.  However, I knew I needed to get back to reality and meet up with my friends.  He kissed me one more time on the lips and I kissed him goodbye on his forehead.  I got in the uber to head back to my friends.  I walked into the bar and they all started clapping and cheering.  Fucking dicks.  Ha.  

The next day, I woke up with my right boob hurting really bad.  My nipples were extremely sore.  I figured that was going to happen.  I went into the bathroom and turned on the light.  I looked down at my chest.  Holy Shit, there was a huge bruise on my right tit.  You would have thought that someone used it as a punching bag.  It was already gnarly looking in less than a days time.  I wasn’t even mad about it.  I was impressed.  Keaton and I were so into the moment that I didn’t feel any pain.  I sent him a picture of the mark he left me.  Poor stud felt so bad.  I emphasized that it was truly okay.  It was an awesome sex battle wound.  

It was humorous since I could not even lay on my right side to sleep.  I had to go up and down stairs carefully.  Any bouncing motion sent pain through me.  I learned that it is very difficult to keep big boobs from bouncing.  Keaton left his mark alright along with a lasting impression.  He’s welcome to bruise me more next time he comes through town ::wink, wink::

 

Knuckles Up

What is the average age kids start to indulge in masturbation?  A child starts to notice they have special parts between the ages of two and three.  They play with themselves because it gives them a happy feeling inside.  The kids do not know what they are actually doing though.  The question is when do they realize what that sensation is to them.

My parents used to have parties all the time in Greene County.  The adults would bring the kids over.  The adults would be in the garage and the kids would be inside or on the play set.  There was always a long line for the bathroom.  I was not very good at peeing outside when I was young.  I was six or seven years old at the time.  One of the other girls told me I could get rid of having to pee if I laid on my fist.  She told me to put my fist on my crotch and to lay there until I did not have to pee anymore.  I told her that it gave me a tingling sensation.  She said it worked then.  That was the start of being a cookie monster.

I would lay on my fist every time that I had to pee.  I started doing it when I did not have to pee.  The sensation it gave me was addicting.  I remember in first or second grade that I laid down behind one of the book shelves in the library.  My girlfriends and I would always get a shower together to save time.  I would lay down on my fist before getting in the shower.  I was putting my knuckles up on my Miss Lucy every chance I got.  My mom caught me in our house doing it behind the spare bed.  The cookie monster was out of control.  My mom sat me down and told me that the sensation was actually an orgasm.  I still did not completely understand what that meant or why it was so addicting.

I want to say this is what triggered my openness to sexuality.  I have been getting myself off ever since that first moment.  I am no longer laying down behind bookshelves in schools.  Ha.  I do not want to get arrested for that.  I have graduated to just my bed and shower.  I also take advantage of toys instead of my knuckles.  If I am feeling a little hung over, I indulge in ‘me time’ to get the happy feelings flowing to pick me up.  I love seeing how many times I can get myself off in one sitting.  The record is currently holding at four times.  My one girlfriend recently tied me.  I was so happy for her, but I want to try for five now.  There are few things greater than being open and free with yourself, so you can round those bases into home plate.  Batter, I mean, knuckles up ladies!

Backwards Sliding

We have all been down the slide backwards at least once in our lives.  Sex with an ex is also known as sliding backwards down a slide.  It usually happens because the relationship ended on good terms and the sex was so good between the two of you.  If you had sex with an ex and the sex was not that great, you were just looking for a fix and had no other options.  I only had two ex-boyfriends that I cared to indulge with after we ended our relationships.  Neither of those relationships ended on a sour note.  I had some of the best sex with those two.  I’d slide backwards all day, every day if it meant I would land on their dick.  

Drew and I became best friends after we broke up.  It took about four months for that to happen.  You have to let the dust settle.  We had some pretty amazing sexual chemistry between us.  He was such a big guy and loved tossing me around like a rag doll.  I loved it rough.  I had just stopped seeing someone and Drew was single.  We both got an itch while we were out with friends.  We staggered our exits.  We did not want anyone in our business.  It was less drama that way.  I met him at his house.  We were both a little tipsy which made for an even better performance.  Drew ripped my bikini off and bent me over the end of his bed.  He was going to pound town while cracking me across the ass.  ::sigh in heaven::  He grabbed me up and tossed me onto his bed.  He dove right in after the ass and pikachu.  Oh hey.  I wasn’t even mad about it.  The beautiful thing was after we had sex it was back to business as usual between us.  It was the greatest friendship.

Peter and I was a slightly different story.  We made the mistake of having sex immediately following the break up.  It was great sex.  It was not ideal for the emotional part.  Sex with an ex only works when the feelings have washed away.  Granted, I still think about this one time we had sex after we broke up.  We broke up and had not seen each other in two weeks.  He came over my place to put up my curtains in the living room.  The problem was he did not bring those tools.  It slightly foiled my plan.  I explained that I planned on offering something as a thank you for the curtains.  I was sitting on the floor.  Peter got down off the couch and crawled over top of me and asked me, “What kind of thank you?”  He knew what I had up my sleeve or between my legs.  Ha.  We started kissing so hard and passionately that it lit a fire in-between my legs.  We tore off each others clothes.  Peter smiled when he felt how turned on I was for him.  He made me smile with his eight plus inches in my Miss Lucy.  There was a giant box on the floor behind us that kept getting in the way.  We did not even care.  It was so animalistic.  Whew.  I still get those feel good chills thinking about it.  

There is nothing wrong with sliding backwards as long as there are no feelings involved in the situation.  Feelings make sex with an ex very messy for everyone.  Friends are like annoying birds in your ears.  It is more unneeded aggravation.  It is usually best to keep that information under wraps.  Some people will never understand how two people that used to date can be friends and occasionally enjoy a romp.  Sex with an ex is great because you trust each other and know what each other likes in the bedroom.  What more could you ask for?  ::two snaps and around the world::  Do not let anyone yell at you for playing on the playground.  The swings are fun, but the slides are better when you go down backwards. 

Nine Months No Sex

Anyone can have sex at anytime.  It depends on how much you want it or how desperate you are for it.  You could truly love sex.  I have heard of people using Tinder as a bet to see who could get laid before 2:00am.  I have always been a “in the moment decision” type of person.  I went nine months of no sex by choice.  I could have very easily of had sex with someone in that time.  I was actually going to see if I could make it a full year at that point.  I was interested in becoming a born again virgin.  Ha.  ::clean that slate::

I started the sex hiatus after douche bag Bill.  I went through some medical scares.  I was over men at that time.  I wanted nothing from them.  I was perfectly content with my double A batteries.  I realized that I made it to nine months.  I was surprised that I made it that 4b6b59aaaa5bf12b86fd406e3d4b8005far.  Did I miss sex to the point of wanting a random pickle in my jar?  No.  Did I think about sex?  Yes.  Everyone enjoys sex.  It is human nature.  I even had my one guy friend, Jaxon, just cuddle and lay on me once during my hiatus, so I could feel the weight of a man on me.  ::queue Sex and the City quote::  I have come a long way from my young twenties.  The old, younger version of me acted on every Energizer Bunny impulse.  The seasoned broad that I am now is more selective on the produce that enters the store in-between her legs.

I made it to nine months of no sex.  I started entertaining the idea of going a whole year.  It meant my Miss Lucy was tight and right.  Sharon Osborne supposedly said she had vaginal tightening surgery done to her.  You could go the easier route of indulging in no sex and ben wa ball exercises.  The thought of making it to a year was ended by one of my gorgeous Ron Burgundy friends.  Grayson and I met three years ago through one of our mutual friends.  I had a boyfriend at the time when him and I first met.  When Peter and I broke up, Grayson and I started text messaging and snap chatting one another.  It was so easy to talk to him.  It was even easier to sext with him.  We were both pretty good at exciting one another.  This went on for two years between us.  The build up of sexual tension was beginning to be wound up tighter than Joan River’s face.  It was fun to fantasize about the day we would finally get to feel each other’s naked bodies.

That day happened when I was on my hiatus.  He was in town for a gig.  We were exchanging messages throughout the night.  I was definitely feeling pretty good.  Alcohol gave me confidence and took away my nerves.  Okay, okay, I was drunk.  It probably was better for the situation though.  Two years of sexual anticipation had a lot to live up to.  It started to pour down rain.  I showed up to his hotel room drunk, frisky, and wet.  There was polite chit-chat before we started ripping each other’s clothes off.  I am pretty sure my Miss Lucy was drooling at the sight of him and his big dick.  Whew.  The first thrust was the most titillating sensation I have felt in a long time.  The thought of it right now gives me the chills.  Lord, baby Jesus.  I remember him saying a few times how tight my vahjayjay was when he slid in and out of me.  Nine months of no sex and kegels truly paid off.  We went a few rounds.  It was salacious.  

I still laugh thinking about how drunk I was that night.  At one point, I remember I sucked his balls in my mouth like I was the powerball machine.  :: yells 35, 23, 18::  All bets are off when I am drunk.  Ain’t no shame in my game.  He left me with some lovely markings to remember the evening.  I had to wear fashionable scarves for a week to work.  Do you think I was bummed that I did not make it to a year of no sex?  Hell no.  That was worth every bit of the two years we had in conversations and pictures.  It was one hell of a way to end my nine month sex hiatus.  He can pokemon my pikachu any day.