Snap Thirst

It’s probably safe to say that we all know what SnapChat is, right? I finally caved in and img_7080downloaded it when I was living in Chicago and fresh out of my relationship with Peter. It was fun sending quick pictures to friends and guys. You got to pick how long the picture was available and then POOF. Its gone. Where did it go? Was it up in the cloud? Was it with Carmen San Diego? It’s a mystery that no one may ever solve.

Well remember good ol Josiah and Paisley?  Apparently, they tripped into a relationship in less than two months time despite his baggage.  I hadn’t heard from Paisley since the night she tried to get on Josiah on my couch in my house after he just finished with me.  I was surprised to learn that since he had hit me up periodically for sex the past couple of months.  Interesting.  I had no idea.  It didn’t surprise me since he was the “baby, babe, bae everything” type of guy to any broad he set his attention on.  There are those broads that eat that shit up instead of seeing it as basic.

I left work the other day for a doctors appointment.  Josiah started messaging me on SnapChat.  He wanted me to meet him for lunch which turned into him wanting to meet me at my house.  The tides were turning.  I advised him that I had to go back into work. He started begging me to not go back to work because he really wanted to see me.  I told him that some of us have to work to pay the mortgage.  No magic bill paying fairies here. (If you see one, please send em my way).  He was wanting to come over and fuck.  He was laying it on thick.  Josiah started calling me via SnapChat.  I hit ignore.  I asked why he was calling me that way when he had my number.  I then asked him if it was so Paisley wouldn’t see that he was blowing me up.  He laughed it off.  Josiah wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. He was very pretty though.  I reminded him about my decision to walk away from him because I don’t fuck around in Petri dishes.  Homie don’t play that.  I told him we were friends and nothing more.  He flipped his script to, “I want to come over and watch a movie with you.” Psssssh boy who you kiddin. You know damn well he didn’t want to watch no damn movie.  Everyone knows that code phrase.

If he still wanted to hang out after I got out of work, I decided that we would discuss it then.  I truly thought he would get over this “want” he had for me in that timeframe.  I was never more wrong.  He kept messaging me to hurry up.  He was asking what movie that I wanted to watch with him.  Josiah wanted to bring over wine and pizza. He started referring to himself as “daddy.”  This was the moment that I started dying laughing.  The thirst was real.  I brought up Paisley once again to him. Josiah went on to tell me that they were no longer together due to her baby daddy coming back into the picture. He went as far to say that he hadn’t even had sex in a few weeks. I had no real way to verify any of it since I removed her from my social media after her stunt in my house.

Josiah spent a total of TEN AND A HALF HOURS relentlessly begging me.  Noon until 10:30 in the evening.  He finally gave up when I said a hard “no.”  Do not get it twisted, he was breaking me down to the point that I could have caved into him.  There was one issue with that though.  I was not sure if it was more of me wanting to show Paisley that I could have him or if I really just wanted a hug… with his penis.. in my vagina.  It was a toss-up.  I mean lezbehonest, they always come back to me. ::wink, wink::

I shared this nonsense with my friends.  A few of them wanted me to be the bigger person and tell Paisley.  I wanted to tell her to go fuck her man, so he stopped begging me for it.  I was told that was too harsh.  The problem would be getting proof. Most people especially broads want something that they can see because they want to hold onto the glimmer of hope someone was lying to them. SnapChat alerts the other person if you screenshot the chat or picture. I was with my girl Taena at the time. We started brainstorming on how to get around a screenshot, so Josiah wouldn’t know he was going to get busted. Light bulb. I had the conversation up on my phone while Taena took a picture of it with her phone. ::high five:: Now I had proof to use… Alright, I caved img_7082in and did exactly what my img_6746friends wanted which was to text her.  I gave her the full story.  I really had no sympathy for her.  As we learned from Ludacris, “Can’t turn a hoe into a housewife, hoes don’t act right.”  Josiah had a lot of baggage.  Paisley tried to fuck him in my house immediately after me.  She jumped into it with him following that encounter.  What did she expect?  Did she really think she found her prince when in actuality she got a bufo toad?  However, the story doesn’t end the way that we all thought it would.  Paisley ignored what I told her and had him remove me from all social media.  Ha.  That’ll keep a dog from straying… said no one ever.  

Five days later, they were professing their love on social media for all to see.   Paisley img_7081bragging how lucky she was to have him.  Why the facade?  The man was married despite being recently separated and creeping behind your back.  Why not say nothing on social media and deal with your dirty laundry in the laundry room than pretending you weren’t washing out skid marks?

The rest of us who know these types of truths are not jealous.  We are sitting back laughing with the others as we sip our tea.  Ladies out there, always remember your self-worth.  If you do not respect yourself, no one will.  Never settle for the poisonous toad.  Bufo frogs make your dogs foam from the mouth.  Can you imagine what they do to your vagina?!

Jeepers Creepers

I can say with confidence everyone is guilty to a certain level of creeping on someone.  It is hard not to do with todays social media and technology.  It makes it pretty easy for someone to find out about another person.  However, some people take it to a whole other level.  They go above and beyond the little innocent creeping to almost stalking in a sense.  ::queue Michael Jackson:: “I always feel like somebody’s watching me..”

I have creeped on people via social media.  It is like window browsing.  You can look, but do not touch.  Amateurs are bad at it.  Some people do not know that LinkedIn shows you who looked at your profile or it tells you one of these people in a group looked at your profile.  You can always guess who it was that looked at your profile.  I have had numerous ex-boyfriends wives or girlfriends, old friends, or ex-boyfriends themselves show up on your LinkedIn.  Rookies.  There are the rookie mistakes of creeping on someone on Facebook and you end up requesting them as a friend.  That is my all time favorite.  I typically call those broads out for shits and giggles.  They are nine times out of ten friends with my guy friend’s new girlfriend.  This is all the innocent creeping.

One of the levels I have not graduated to is the drive by someone’s house.  I know quite a few females who have driven by the guy’s house.  Some have taken pictures as evidence to what cars they saw at the house.  Some have made me be the driver, so the guy would not recognize my car.  It is almost like stalking a person.  What drives a person to do this?  Trust?  Insecurity?  Paranoia?  I know a handful of broads that had decoy Facebook accounts.  They used them to creep.  The problem was they took it to a different level.  They would tell people it was a cousin.  They had a whole back story for this pretend person.  I had a girlfriend get mad at me once because I told someone it was really her.  Who has that kind of spare time to invest in making someone up?  If you have that little of trust in someone, you should probably not be dating them or interested in them.  Another level would be messaging other people who you think are interested in your someone.  I know a few ladies who have indulged in that guilty pleasure.  They try to mark their territory.  The problem with that is no one really cares.  If a wedding ring cannot deter someone from going after another person that is married, your message on social media will fall on deaf ears.  Those types of messages will be laughed at and looked at as crazy desperation.   

Some of my girlfriends are almost private investigator status.  They can find anything out.  My one best friend saw a picture of her man at a fancy bar and she felt like something was off that evening.  She looked up his ex girlfriend’s instagram account.  That broad had the exact same picture up.  They may not have been in each other’s pictures, but they were most definitely at the same bar.  I would say the only way to possibly get away with cheating is by not having any social media.  There is always a downloadcookie crumb trail left behind.

The problem with all of the creeping and stalking antics it kind of makes you look crazy.  It is not the type of crazy that majority of people want others to see in the daylight.  Most people like to hide that crazy in a locked trunk.  These gestures also do not help you keep your love interest or significant other in the long run.  Who wants to be with someone that you have to keep tabs on at all times?  You can stay ten steps ahead all the time, but you may be the one left behind in the end.

If you need some examples of creeping and looking crazy, click on these links from Kevin Hart’s stand up 🙂

Psychopath Girl

Bitch in the Trunk


Soliciting Sex

Who has ever used an online anything to get sex?  I am sure there are quite a few people with their hands raised up in the air.  There are “dating” websites like Plenty of Fish,, etc.  Some people use social media as an outlet.  Those used to be chat rooms, ICQ, AOL, and My Space.  You used to go in a chat room saying, “A/S/L.”  Ha.  Now we have FaceBook, LinkedIn, Tinder, Craigslist, and many more.  All of these options are out there for people to dip into some strangers cookie jars.

I am guilty of using My Space once for sex.  It was back in the spring of 2008.  Harvey was a mutual friend of a lot of my good friends.  I sent him a request.  We flirted back and forth online for a while.  My girls and I were drinking at Hollie’s apartment in Oakland one night.  I hit up Harvey seeing if he wanted to come over and drink with us.  I did not think he would bite, but he was down to hang out.  It was the first time we were going to meet in person.  We were all playing drinking games and having a good time.  The girls eventually went to bed.  It was down to Harvey and I up on the couch.  Yes, I slept with him on the couch.  It was pretty good sex too.  I had no shame in my game.  You have to get it while the gettin’s good.  We actually became really good friends.  Harvey was my one friend who got me interested into watching professional hockey.  

Besides that one time, I do not use dating applications or websites.  I prefer the good ‘ol fashioned meet someone in a bar type romping over the cyber sex requests especially after the Craigslist killer happened.

I found out one of my ex-boyfriends is using Craiglist for sex.  I do not want to use his name I chose for him on here to spare him any jokes.  He has responded to a handful of Craiglist adds for sex.  I find so much humor in it.  I would think even Tinder is better than Craigslist.  Tinder is pretty bottom of the barrel too.  If you respond to an add, you might as well ask for a shot afterwards.  I did not think anyone even did that anymore especially after that killer surfaced that was using Craigslist to kill people.  A lot of people have asked me how it makes me feel.  Well, that very weekend I heard this news, I was up late talking to a very attractive Ron Burgundy kind of friend.  He is kind of a big deal.  He was driving to his next gig and we were entertaining one another.  I got myself off four times in two hours.  Lets go back to the question of how does it make me feel…It makes me feel like I am “winning” in life over him.  True story.

It is pretty sad and scary if you have to stoop to Craigslist for sex.  I mean you should have some standards.  You would be better off calling hookers out of the back of a phone book.  I know why some people use the crutch of online dating because they may not be social enough to meet people while they’re out on the town.  Or maybe some people do not have time to go out and online profiles are easier to weed out the sub par dudes.  Different strokes for different folks.  I would just like to know what kind of pickle is going in my deli.  My deli is not open for everyone and I do not want to end up on a milk carton.  My friends would never find me because those lushes never drink milk.   

Out of the Bush

There are those people in life that deserve to have a turn of bad luck.  It could be because they are assholes.  They could cuckoobe crazy people.  There are many choices to choose from to fill in that blank.  A lot of people believe in karma.  They believe karma will handle people in due time.  Some others believe karma needs a little nudge.

It was nearing summers end in 2008.  There were a bunch of people at Sandcastle that day.  My boyfriend at the time, Drew, wanted to go out with a bang for the summer.  There were not many of us that were fans of Tony’s cuckoo bird, Meg.  She was there that day.  Tony and Nicole were there too.  Here we go again.  Everyone was drinking a lot.  Many things were said and done at the pool.  It was getting out of hand.  Meg was fully dressed with her bags on her shoulders.  She was standing next to the pool.  She was screaming about something.  I watched Drew walk straight towards Meg.  In one swift movement, he stiff armed her from behind into the pool.  Drew took off.  She was silently shocked.  Her purse, pool bag, and herself were fully submerged in the water.  She started screaming asking who did that to her.  Police and security showed up and escorted her away.  

Next thing I knew, I was getting asked to come with security to answer some questions.  They wanted to know if I saw who pushed Meg in the pool.  I lied and told him I thought it was the kid whose hat she stole earlier in the day.  I immediately text messaged Drew to go home and get out of there.  I was not letting him get in trouble over some crazy broad.  They let us go back to our friends.  They escorted Meg out of the water park’s front entrance.  

We all thought the excitement was over for the day.  We all thought wrong.  Nicole and Tony walked out the bottom exit.  Meg came flying out from the bushes after Nicole.  The security guards must have sensed Meg was not leaving when they escorted her out.  Because they were there immediately in the beginning of the chaos.  Meg got handcuffed and went to jail.  Drew got his wish.  He escaped all of the blame and went out with a bang.  We told Tony he truly needed to cut ties with Meg.  Her last incident in the living room at Drew’s house with a tampon and this episode was enough for all of us.  She was a certified cuckoo bird.

Once again, I felt like I was in an episode of a soap opera.  How does one person keep getting themselves in those types of situations?  Could the sex be that good that you go to jail over it?  How long could you ride the hot mess express?  I have heard of people doing crazy things over sex, but she was definitely topping the cake.  Meg was truly cuckoo for Tony’s cocoa puffs.

O.M.G. Facebook Official

Who started the trend on the emphasis for relationships on Facebook?

Do people really believe marking their territory on social media will help solidify their relationship?  Lezbehonest,  I doubt a Facebook official life event will help the cause if a ring and a marriage license does not deter people from straying.  Some people really believe if it is not on Facebook then it did not happen or it is not real.  No matter how many times you tag a person or upload pictures of you two together on social media will actually help your relationship in the long run.  There are people who do not care if someone has a boyfriend or a girlfriend.  They see something they want and will go after it.  There are also those people who have strong connections with someone and will end up cheating on their significant other.  It is really hard to fight chemistry connections.  It is also hard to teach an old dog new tricks.  The saying still holds some truth, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”  Facebook will fail every time.

kermit annivI do enjoy watching people attempt to piss on their significant others on social media.  Everyone knows they are just a dog trying to mark their territory.  They want to make sure everyone knows their significant other is taken.  It truly is a joke.  I feel bad for these sad social media souls.  They want to brag about their amazing significant other.  They tend to forget that due to social media everyone knows their significant other has had three other girlfriends/boyfriends in a matter of eight months.  How special are you in that statistic?  Or do you only care about how many likes you can get?

The other fun aspect of Facebook for these people is broadcasting every detail of their relationship.  One day, I love him.  The next day, I hate him.  People are so excited for someone getting engaged or married.  They say it has been a long time coming for the couple.  Did everyone forget the ten break ups?  Or the cheating that occurred multiple times?  Or them dating other people for a year?  Or putting them on blast on social media?  Some people do pay attention to what is posted on social media.  They are not jealous of your significant other.  They are laughing at the clown car and circus you put on for show.