Catch & Release

If you do not plan on eating your fish for dinner, you would catch and release it.  You can use this same idea for having sex.  This type of sex is not for everyone.  There are many people who are not comfortable with a one night stand or mid day rendezvous.  I find it exciting to indulge in it every now and then.  Different strokes for different folks.

I tend to go on Tinder when I’m bored to swipe through the men deck.  I typically do not look at their details.  It is for shits and giggles.  Well, I matched with this 22-year-old.  Lets call him Charlie Conway from the ‘Mighty Ducks.’  He was a good-looking guy.  His beard made him look a little older.  We exchanged a few messages.  It was nothing serious.  Charlie ending up messaging me the following day to find out what I was going to do for the day.  I told him I was going to the beach with my friends. He mentioned that we should meet up.  I dismissed the message and closed the application.  I was looking forward to a day with my friends, soaking up some rays and throwing back some beers.

Jude and I walked up to the tiki bar on the beach to order some drinks.  I noticed a guy sitting with a group on the other side of the bar.  He looked familiar. Hmm.  I opened Tinder on my phone to Charlie’s profile.  I asked Jude if he thought the guy at the bar and on my phone was the same person.  Jude thought if it wasn’t the same person then they must be related.  I messaged him to confirm our thoughts.  He wasn’t picking up that I was at the same place as him.  I heard him say, “The chick from Tinder.  She’s 32.”  Come on now.  I messaged him and said, “Stop shouting my age like a football score!”  He looked shocked and told his buddies that I heard them.  They all started looking around for me.  I waved with a smile.  I owned it.  I walked over and talked to him.

I quickly learned that Charlie was in college, on the hockey team, and flying out later that evening to go home.  This would be the perfect opportunity for a catch and release afternoon delight for me.  Yes, it also would make me an official cougar since he was ten years younger than me.  Ain’t no shame in my game.  Him and his one teammate kept saying they needed a shower before heading to the airport.  Jude knew what I was thinking without me saying anything.  Jude signaled for me to go for it.  It would make for a good story.  I invited Charlie and his buddy back to my place for showers, beers and food.  Charlie asked me to join him in the shower.  I stripped down and jumped in there with him.  We started in there and finished on my bed.  It was pretty good minus the end.  I told him to cum on my chest.  He must not shoot the puck often on the ice because he shot wide right.  I luckily sensed his poor aim and turned my head.  Whew.  I saved my hair.  We got dressed then Charlie and his buddy left for their flight.  My friends and I grilled out then watched a scary movie.  It was a successful day.

What were the chances of running into Charlie that day.  There are probably quite a few of you judging me.  That is okay.  You get to read about it because I lived in the moment.  I did not think I would hear from him again since he lived in the northeast.  I was wrong.  Apparently, the younger men think they are entitled to receive pictures after they have sex with you.  They also do not understand that most people do not have a catalogue of naked pictures saved on their phone to send out on a whim.  It is quite comical.  I did save the best part for last.  You may think I came up with his character name due to him being younger and playing hockey.  That contributed to it, but he had a tattoo of the ‘Mighty Ducks’ on his ass.  Charlie definitely worked the flying V angle.

Who Has to Tinkle?

Who has peed in the shower before?  If I am in the shower alone, I usually pee in there.  It is something about that water hitting your body that makes you have to pee even if you just went to the bathroom.  I would never pee in the shower if someone else was in there.  That is just rude.  Granted, pee is sterile and helps prevent foot fungus.  You are welcome for that fun fact.67c1e7d975cde162148b18a33d18d326.jpg

One time, Tony and I were having a conversation about sex.  He told me there have been several women that have asked him to pee on them.  I was pretty intrigued by this statement since there was more than one of these ladies with that request.  I started firing off a bunch of questions.  He told me he only obliged their request when they were in the shower.  I wondered where does one want to be peed on.  Tony does not give these broads the choice.  He said he always went on their face.  (If you can read that sentence without busting into laughter, you are a dull and boring person).  I went on to ask him if they wanted to pee on him as well.  He said some did want to pee on him, but he only let one of them actually do it.  There was another broad who ended up peeing on his hand.  Did she left a leg up and let it loose?  How does that even work?  Tony is not a small guy by any means.  His nickname we gave him was Shamu.  I would think a whale like him would feel at home getting pissed on.  He was not okay with it at all.  Tony wanted to share the experience though with his roommate.  He did not wash his hands.  He came out of the bathroom and high-fived Chester.  Tony told him what was all over his hand.  Chester was no longer enthused.  He also told me a broad from the gym randomly asked him if he would like to pee on her.  You cannot make this shit up.  He must have the look of a good fire hose on him.

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Personally, I am not into golden showers unless I got stung by a jellyfish.  I could support that the shower is the place to pee on people though.  The thought of getting pee on your bed and going on your mattress makes me cringe.  The carpet would probably be just as bad.  Nobody wants their house to smell like stale pee or to be known as stinky pee.  There is nothing about peeing on someone or someone peeing on me that gets me turned on.  However, if I was in a serious relationship and the guy wanted me to pee on him, I would kindly let it flow on him.  I am a team player and will try almost anything at least one time.  I said, “almost anything.”   

Just don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining.

 

Jeepers Creepers

I can say with confidence everyone is guilty to a certain level of creeping on someone.  It is hard not to do with todays social media and technology.  It makes it pretty easy for someone to find out about another person.  However, some people take it to a whole other level.  They go above and beyond the little innocent creeping to almost stalking in a sense.  ::queue Michael Jackson:: “I always feel like somebody’s watching me..”

I have creeped on people via social media.  It is like window browsing.  You can look, but do not touch.  Amateurs are bad at it.  Some people do not know that LinkedIn shows you who looked at your profile or it tells you one of these people in a group looked at your profile.  You can always guess who it was that looked at your profile.  I have had numerous ex-boyfriends wives or girlfriends, old friends, or ex-boyfriends themselves show up on your LinkedIn.  Rookies.  There are the rookie mistakes of creeping on someone on Facebook and you end up requesting them as a friend.  That is my all time favorite.  I typically call those broads out for shits and giggles.  They are nine times out of ten friends with my guy friend’s new girlfriend.  This is all the innocent creeping.

One of the levels I have not graduated to is the drive by someone’s house.  I know quite a few females who have driven by the guy’s house.  Some have taken pictures as evidence to what cars they saw at the house.  Some have made me be the driver, so the guy would not recognize my car.  It is almost like stalking a person.  What drives a person to do this?  Trust?  Insecurity?  Paranoia?  I know a handful of broads that had decoy Facebook accounts.  They used them to creep.  The problem was they took it to a different level.  They would tell people it was a cousin.  They had a whole back story for this pretend person.  I had a girlfriend get mad at me once because I told someone it was really her.  Who has that kind of spare time to invest in making someone up?  If you have that little of trust in someone, you should probably not be dating them or interested in them.  Another level would be messaging other people who you think are interested in your someone.  I know a few ladies who have indulged in that guilty pleasure.  They try to mark their territory.  The problem with that is no one really cares.  If a wedding ring cannot deter someone from going after another person that is married, your message on social media will fall on deaf ears.  Those types of messages will be laughed at and looked at as crazy desperation.   

Some of my girlfriends are almost private investigator status.  They can find anything out.  My one best friend saw a picture of her man at a fancy bar and she felt like something was off that evening.  She looked up his ex girlfriend’s instagram account.  That broad had the exact same picture up.  They may not have been in each other’s pictures, but they were most definitely at the same bar.  I would say the only way to possibly get away with cheating is by not having any social media.  There is always a downloadcookie crumb trail left behind.

The problem with all of the creeping and stalking antics it kind of makes you look crazy.  It is not the type of crazy that majority of people want others to see in the daylight.  Most people like to hide that crazy in a locked trunk.  These gestures also do not help you keep your love interest or significant other in the long run.  Who wants to be with someone that you have to keep tabs on at all times?  You can stay ten steps ahead all the time, but you may be the one left behind in the end.

If you need some examples of creeping and looking crazy, click on these links from Kevin Hart’s stand up 🙂

Psychopath Girl

Bitch in the Trunk

 

Drunk Subconscious

Have you ever struggled with what to do in a situation?  The inner debate within yourself.  There are plenty of times in life where the drunk you trumps the sober you.  It is similar to the angel and devil on each shoulder.  Who do you listen to?  Which one will win out?  

Aurora and Max had their friend in town.  I saw Aurora in a picture with this guy who caught my attention.  She told me it was their friend Oliver.  He was an attractive guy.  Aurora and Max had a feeling Oliver and I would vibe well.  They also know I do not do anything with strings attached to it.  This would have been a perfect situation for me.  

I was having people over at my house.  Aurora and Max brought Oliver and Jim to my place to party with us.  I totally dug Oliver’s vibe.  He was good people.  He was good-looking.  He did not live here.  I also received a side note about him.  *Oliver had a big dick*  It sounded like a great package deal.  I was drinking a lot that night.  At the end of the night, the sober, level-headed voice told me to have Oliver stay over and only sleep together.  You could tell a lot about a person by just sleeping with them in bed.  However, the drunk voice in my head told me to spread them legs and get it in.  Take one guess which voice won the argument?  Woof.

I wish I would have only slept in the same bed as him.  I would have realized having sex with him would be a bad idea.  Yes, he had a big dick, but it was not as big as my ex, Peter.  It was girth big.  The sex was okay.  It was nothing to write home about and I did not want to try it again.  

He thought I was shy in bed because he was trying to force me to dirty talk.  Never force anything.  It makes it very awkward and ruins the mood.  We just met and were having sex the same night.  It made me feel like Kevin Hart.  That is way too much to put your nasty on someone in the first night of meeting them.  Just shut up and fuck me.  As if it couldn’t get any worse, he was a cuddler.  Fack.  I barely got any sleep that night.  I was so uncomfortable.  I would try to scoot away from him because I have a king size bed.  He would either creep up behind me or pull me back to him. I needed space to sleep.  Jesus Mary and Joseph.  He started calling me gorgeous, baby and babe.  I loathe those terms when they are thrown around on a whim.

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All of that left a bad taste in my mouth.  The more I reflected on it the more I realized that I messed up.  I did not want to be around him after that.  If I would have just slept in the same bed with him, it would still be cool for me to be around him.  I ruined it by having sex with him.  I felt even worse because I think so much of Aurora and Max.  I made sure not to be rude to him.  I played the fade, arms length type responses.  I did not want to lead him on since I noticed he was liking everything I posted on the book of faces.  

Oliver was good people.  He was better as just a friend though.  My best friend, Jude, told me that I must have the circus in-between my legs since after one time Oliver was clambering over me.  Don’t worry there is no bearded lady at this circus act.  

Clothes Equals Anxiety

How many people actually know what vestiphobia is without looking it up?  I never even knew it was a phobia.  Vestiphobia is a branch off of claustrophobia.  It is when a person feels suffocated by anything on their body.  Clothing especially tighter material triggers anxiety or even a full-blown panic attack.  It goes all the way down to woman’s bra and panties.  Majority of us would think wearing clothes is more of a comfort than being naked.  A lot of people are truly self-conscious about their bodies.  Some of them would be happiest wearing a burqa or maybe a potato sack.  However, if you have vestiphobia, you prefer your birthday suit for all events.

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A coworker of mine at work yesterday had her bra in her hand at the end of the day.  I had a perplexed look on my face.  Kirstie advised me that she is claustrophobic of tight clothes.  I was not sure if she was feeding me a load of bullshit or not.  She told me that she had not worn underwear since before her first day of kindergarten.  I am sure the little boys in school loved looking up her skirt.  They got a peek at her pikachu.  

Kirstie said that anything on her body at any point in a day can cause her to have extreme anxiety that leads right into a panic attack.  It gets to be so bad that she feels like she cannot breathe.  She goes home every day after work and puts on comfortable, loose-fitting clothes.  She feels much more at ease.  I can agree with that.  I love sitting on my couch in my underwear after working all day.  No snail trails though.  That is unacceptable.  Kirstie has a hard time getting through a full work out in the gym because of how her sports bra makes her feel.  She also cannot really handle cuddling because it makes her feel claustrophobic.  Her boyfriend is not a fan of her phobias.  You would think most men would love a girlfriend who preferred being naked and did not want to cuddle.  Kirstie admitted she is okay at being the big spoon.  The little spoon is what makes her feel claustrophobic.  Granted, a broad being the big spoon does not make the middle of the night slip it in sex easy to accomplish.

BdaxSPgCYAAikDxPeople with this phobia might be better suited in a nudist colony.  No shirt.  No shoes.  No problem.  Matthew images (1)McConaughey may even have vestiphobia since he enjoys playing conga drums on the beach in the nude.  I would put vestiphobia in the same category as sexomnia only because not many people have heard of it or experienced it to be able to believe it is real.  The world could be a better place without the restrictions of clothing.  I would venture a guess that people who live near a beach are happier in life wearing swimsuits majority of the time.  It would be less friction, less stress, and less worrying about what you are going to wear each and every day.  

Backwards Sliding

We have all been down the slide backwards at least once in our lives.  Sex with an ex is also known as sliding backwards down a slide.  It usually happens because the relationship ended on good terms and the sex was so good between the two of you.  If you had sex with an ex and the sex was not that great, you were just looking for a fix and had no other options.  I only had two ex-boyfriends that I cared to indulge with after we ended our relationships.  Neither of those relationships ended on a sour note.  I had some of the best sex with those two.  I’d slide backwards all day, every day if it meant I would land on their dick.  

Drew and I became best friends after we broke up.  It took about four months for that to happen.  You have to let the dust settle.  We had some pretty amazing sexual chemistry between us.  He was such a big guy and loved tossing me around like a rag doll.  I loved it rough.  I had just stopped seeing someone and Drew was single.  We both got an itch while we were out with friends.  We staggered our exits.  We did not want anyone in our business.  It was less drama that way.  I met him at his house.  We were both a little tipsy which made for an even better performance.  Drew ripped my bikini off and bent me over the end of his bed.  He was going to pound town while cracking me across the ass.  ::sigh in heaven::  He grabbed me up and tossed me onto his bed.  He dove right in after the ass and pikachu.  Oh hey.  I wasn’t even mad about it.  The beautiful thing was after we had sex it was back to business as usual between us.  It was the greatest friendship.

Peter and I was a slightly different story.  We made the mistake of having sex immediately following the break up.  It was great sex.  It was not ideal for the emotional part.  Sex with an ex only works when the feelings have washed away.  Granted, I still think about this one time we had sex after we broke up.  We broke up and had not seen each other in two weeks.  He came over my place to put up my curtains in the living room.  The problem was he did not bring those tools.  It slightly foiled my plan.  I explained that I planned on offering something as a thank you for the curtains.  I was sitting on the floor.  Peter got down off the couch and crawled over top of me and asked me, “What kind of thank you?”  He knew what I had up my sleeve or between my legs.  Ha.  We started kissing so hard and passionately that it lit a fire in-between my legs.  We tore off each others clothes.  Peter smiled when he felt how turned on I was for him.  He made me smile with his eight plus inches in my Miss Lucy.  There was a giant box on the floor behind us that kept getting in the way.  We did not even care.  It was so animalistic.  Whew.  I still get those feel good chills thinking about it.  

There is nothing wrong with sliding backwards as long as there are no feelings involved in the situation.  Feelings make sex with an ex very messy for everyone.  Friends are like annoying birds in your ears.  It is more unneeded aggravation.  It is usually best to keep that information under wraps.  Some people will never understand how two people that used to date can be friends and occasionally enjoy a romp.  Sex with an ex is great because you trust each other and know what each other likes in the bedroom.  What more could you ask for?  ::two snaps and around the world::  Do not let anyone yell at you for playing on the playground.  The swings are fun, but the slides are better when you go down backwards. 

Nine Months No Sex

Anyone can have sex at anytime.  It depends on how much you want it or how desperate you are for it.  You could truly love sex.  I have heard of people using Tinder as a bet to see who could get laid before 2:00am.  I have always been a “in the moment decision” type of person.  I went nine months of no sex by choice.  I could have very easily of had sex with someone in that time.  I was actually going to see if I could make it a full year at that point.  I was interested in becoming a born again virgin.  Ha.  ::clean that slate::

I started the sex hiatus after douche bag Bill.  I went through some medical scares.  I was over men at that time.  I wanted nothing from them.  I was perfectly content with my double A batteries.  I realized that I made it to nine months.  I was surprised that I made it that 4b6b59aaaa5bf12b86fd406e3d4b8005far.  Did I miss sex to the point of wanting a random pickle in my jar?  No.  Did I think about sex?  Yes.  Everyone enjoys sex.  It is human nature.  I even had my one guy friend, Jaxon, just cuddle and lay on me once during my hiatus, so I could feel the weight of a man on me.  ::queue Sex and the City quote::  I have come a long way from my young twenties.  The old, younger version of me acted on every Energizer Bunny impulse.  The seasoned broad that I am now is more selective on the produce that enters the store in-between her legs.

I made it to nine months of no sex.  I started entertaining the idea of going a whole year.  It meant my Miss Lucy was tight and right.  Sharon Osborne supposedly said she had vaginal tightening surgery done to her.  You could go the easier route of indulging in no sex and ben wa ball exercises.  The thought of making it to a year was ended by one of my gorgeous Ron Burgundy friends.  Grayson and I met three years ago through one of our mutual friends.  I had a boyfriend at the time when him and I first met.  When Peter and I broke up, Grayson and I started text messaging and snap chatting one another.  It was so easy to talk to him.  It was even easier to sext with him.  We were both pretty good at exciting one another.  This went on for two years between us.  The build up of sexual tension was beginning to be wound up tighter than Joan River’s face.  It was fun to fantasize about the day we would finally get to feel each other’s naked bodies.

That day happened when I was on my hiatus.  He was in town for a gig.  We were exchanging messages throughout the night.  I was definitely feeling pretty good.  Alcohol gave me confidence and took away my nerves.  Okay, okay, I was drunk.  It probably was better for the situation though.  Two years of sexual anticipation had a lot to live up to.  It started to pour down rain.  I showed up to his hotel room drunk, frisky, and wet.  There was polite chit-chat before we started ripping each other’s clothes off.  I am pretty sure my Miss Lucy was drooling at the sight of him and his big dick.  Whew.  The first thrust was the most titillating sensation I have felt in a long time.  The thought of it right now gives me the chills.  Lord, baby Jesus.  I remember him saying a few times how tight my vahjayjay was when he slid in and out of me.  Nine months of no sex and kegels truly paid off.  We went a few rounds.  It was salacious.  

I still laugh thinking about how drunk I was that night.  At one point, I remember I sucked his balls in my mouth like I was the powerball machine.  :: yells 35, 23, 18::  All bets are off when I am drunk.  Ain’t no shame in my game.  He left me with some lovely markings to remember the evening.  I had to wear fashionable scarves for a week to work.  Do you think I was bummed that I did not make it to a year of no sex?  Hell no.  That was worth every bit of the two years we had in conversations and pictures.  It was one hell of a way to end my nine month sex hiatus.  He can pokemon my pikachu any day.