Dial-A-Dick

I love the term “dial-a-dick.”  Samantha used that term in ‘Sex and The City.’  It is also known as a “fuck buddy.”  Most people have at least one person they can hit up for sex.  Some people may have a few options in their black book.  These types of relationships were with people you trusted and had really good sexual chemistry with at some point.  It may not have been a serious relationship.  It could have been a causal friend you liked to hang out with on occasion.  My black book was not too shabby in my early twenties.  It worked both ways.  They would hit me up or I would hit them up.  It could be early in the evening or late at night.  It was nice having a reliable dick on call.

Cameron and I may have had more feelings involved, but it was nice knowing we were on the same page.  It did not matter what time it was or where we were at the time.  I would typically go to him since my parents house was not ideal for having male companions over.  My house was a last resort for us.  We were notorious for making use of my vehicles.  We had sex in all three of my cars plus my parents Explorer.  The Explorer was nice because we laid the back seat down, but it gave you brush burn.  Ha.  This deal went on a long time between us.  It was always worth it.

Ken and I also had common ground on this subject.  We may not have been in a relationship, but we had amazing sexual chemistry.  We would either message each other on AIM or text each other.  Our code for each other when we were feeling frisky was mentioning that we wanted a cigarette.  I would drive up to the frat or his house to indulge in a camels cigarette then he’d indulge in me.  We took advantage of each other anywhere and everywhere.  The frat’s stairwell and hallway, the bathroom stalls/showers, his porch, our buddy’s porch and pull out couch, or the normal place his bed.  We had a lot of fun in those few years.

I found one the last few months I was in Chicago finally.  Daniel was always at the same local watering hole as me.  He lived by me.  He had a broad that was into him, but he said that they were not dating.  I took him home one time after the bar.  I have to say I was pleasantly surprised with what he had in his pants.  He had decent sized girth.  We went for two rounds that night.  Daniel was ready to hit up one of our mutual friends to come pick him up in the morning.  I got dressed and dropped him off at his house.  I did not want anyone knowing we were sleeping together.  It always would work out better when the least amount of people knew about your business.  Because people love to stick their nose where it does not belong and stir the pot.

I hit Daniel up another time and he just automatically offered to come over before I even asked him to.  We started going at it on my new couch.  We were ripping each other’s clothes off while trying to keep our hands all over each other.  I thought I was finally going to christen the new couch.  He ended the couch fun by moving the sexapade to my bedroom.  It was still amazing sex.  I am just that person who loves to christen new things in my life.  Ha.

Fuck Buddies are pretty much non-existent anymore.  It is hard to find one especially when you move to different states.  It does not help that it is harder to trust people now a days.  You have to be concered with getting an STD or pregnant if your buddy is not honest with you.  Some men are skeptic and think most broads get attached easily to the dick.  It happens.  Some broads do get dickmatized.  The dick can be that good.  The same goes for men though.  The broad could be bat shit crazy and he does not care because he fell into her rabbit hole.  He got lost in Wonderland.  

Put Your Number 2’s in the Air

I truly believe you love to gamble if you are willing to engage in backdoor activities.  That was meant as an “Exit Only” hole.  When you are putting things in an out hole, you are gambling with nature.  How lucky are you feeling?

My good friend, Jude, was a gambling man.  Him and his girlfriend, Mollie, had been dating for a little while.  They liked to dabble in backdoor playtime.  Jude forgot that it was a big gamble plugging it in from behind.  He was on the couch with Mollie one night.  Mollie was on all fours with him pounding away on her ass.  It was all pleasure and fun until Jude caught a whiff of something.  He wasn’t sure what he smelled, so he kept pile driving her from behind.  Jude caught another smell of it.  This time it took his breath away.  It smelled like it was diarrhea.  Oh God No!  He looked down.  Fack!  Mollie had diarrhea all over him, his dick and her ass.  Jude started dry heaving.  He ran to the bathroom and jumped in the shower.  Mollie was mortified.  It was a way worse scene out of the movie ‘Hall Pass.’  Jude felt bad for her, but he wanted to bleach himself clean.  A log would have been less foul than the splatter all over everyone.

Jude and Mollie went back to normal sex in her Miss Lucy for a little while.  They attempted backdoor Betty once more before they decided to call it quits.  I would assume that type of situation would put a damper on ones relationship.  We joke and tell Jude his theme song is by Nicki Minaj called ‘Did it on Em.’  ::Shitted on ’em, put yo’ number two’s in the air if you did it on ’em::  

Just Say No

Some people think the word “no” is mean.  Sometimes the word “no” saves both parties time and energy.  We all have those friends or married friends that try and help us single people out.  Maybe some single people need a little push and shove help.  I am not one of those people.

I was out with one of my married friends for a ‘Sunday Funday.’  We went to grab some food before heading to a beach concert.  We had already been drinking and partying.  The bartender was giving Mila and I the over flow from the frozen drinks he was making other customers.  The gesture from the bartender sparked an idea for Mila and Willam.  They thought it would be a great plan to start a conversation with him.  They found out he was from Pittsburgh like us.  These two thought he was good looking.  They also thought we would be perfect together.  There was one problem with that thought.  He reminded me of my ex-boyfriend Gary.  We all know how much I love the thought of that guy.  ::insert heavy sarcasm::

I tried to explain to them that I did not want his number.  I may be single, but I have fun on the side with someone.  They couldn’t understand why I would want to pass up on this bartender.  The dynamic duo took my phone and put his number in it along with his name.  They proceeded to call him from my phone, so he had my number.  My polite way of trying to say “no” clearly fell on deaf ears.  Carter, the bartender, tried texting me to meet up at the concert.  I was too drunk and had no desire to hang out with him.  He sent me two messages Monday evening.  I was already asleep after he sent the second one.  He assumed that since I did not respond to his first message, an hour previous, that I must have been too drunk to remember him.  My thoughts as I read his two messages on Tuesday morning, “No, asshole I remembered you.  I just did not want to speak with you.”  I responded in a short tone manner.  I made sure to mention that he was coming off as impatient when it came to text messages.  I didn’t hear from him the rest of the week.  I thought I was in the clear since I was trying to make it apparent that I was not into him.

Saturday night arrives of that week.  I went out with my two best guy friends for wings, beer and playoff hockey.  Carter text messaged me asking what I was doing for the night.  Ugh.  My buddies saw the immediate reaction in my face upon looking at the message.  I explained to them the situation.  I responded to his text that I was out with my buddies at Hooters having wings and beer.  That clearly should have been understood that I was out with guy friends.  Carter proceeded to text me that he had an open bar tab at some bar if I wanted to hang out.  My buddies took it upon themselves to try and write a message back to Carter.  We sent a message to him asking if that meant it was for all of us since I wasn’t ditching my friends.  Carter came back with a douche bag response that the bar tab was for him and I only.  At this point, my two guy friends and I were all annoyed with him.  The next message he sent was truly hysterical and perplexing.  He said, “I know you don’t want to hang with me, it is what it is, you’re just gonna have to suck it up.”  Ha.  Carter caught the hint that I was not interested yet he thought that I did not have a choice in the matter?

I was right.  Carter more than resembled my ex-boyfriend Gary.  He also had a douche bag personality like him.  I am not a pro at picking the right men, but I am good at picking up on vibes.  He did not spark anything inside me let alone those good vibes.  His impatient messages and ignorant comments were irritating.  The best part was I realized I recognized him from Tinder.  I swiped left on him.  Ha.  I guess even in a stack of men I knew that he wasn’t a good match for me.  I love Mila and William for having good intentions.  It was heart warming that they care about me, but ain’t nobody got time for all that.  The next time I feel that way I will just say, “No.”  Carter can share his bar tab with another broad because I don’t care to suck anything up besides a drink in a straw. woman-drinking-red-cocktail-horiz_ceuyxz

Tinder: Update 4

imageI do not know which type of guy is worse on Tinder.  The men who are imagecreeps and assholes or the desperate, broad type of men looking for a lifelong partnership.  Is there ever a happy medium?  Do not get me wrong there is nothing wrong with men looking for a serious relationship.  However, I do not think you should skip the small talk straight to the serious relationship talk.  That is usually put off until the three month mark.  I understand not wanting to beat around the bush, but it is a little much all at once in a first conversation.  I know my brutal honesty has been taken as intimidating with some men.  

The guy’s tattoo on the left had me cracking up.  He looks in the mirror every morning and gets a positive message every time, “You’re worth it.”  Can you imagine if a broad got that tattoo above her ass?  HaHa. 

imageWe also have the random married men on there.  They have no shame in their game.  This one in particular laid all his cards out on the table.  He is probably more honest than most men with a ring.  Or maybe his wife really doesn’t know.  Who knows.  It is still a gamble.  I stand firm on the fact that his package picture is nothing appealing to me.  I would much prefer a shirtless picture than that eggplant.  Can you imagine if broads went around posting pictures of them in their underwear showing their camel toes?  Lord, that is a disturbing image!  Ew!  ::Jimmy Fallon, Sara voice::

My surprise came when my one boss came up on my Tinder.  It was slightly awkward.  Do you swipe right, so he is not offended?  Or would he be more offended by you swiping right?  Is that work place sexual harassment?  I made a good joke out of it imageas you see from the screenshot.  He was a good sport about it.  The ironic thing is how many guys do catfish and steal other men’s pictures for their own.  I saw about four or five men posing to be Nick Bateman.  That is the other problem with online sites.  You have no idea if the person you are talking to really matches their pictures they have up on the site until you meet them in person.  I do not know if you blame the superficial world we live in or the narcissistic assholes.

 

 

Me or We?

When you are single in life, it is only you.  There are two of you when you are a part of a couple.  Me becomes we.  There is nothing wrong with this transition.  It is okay to be in a relationship.  It is nice having someone stand next to you and hold your hand.  However, if you lose yourself completely, that can be a problem.

People in relationships are not the only ones guilty of adding to this problem.  If your friend Sally shows up to the bar without her other half, you skip over ‘Hello’ and immediately ask her, “Where’s Bob?”  Sally was just dismissed as a person because she was not with her significant other.  Why do the majority of people skip over someone?  Do you have to lose yourself when you become a part of a ‘We?’

The other people that contribute to this problem are the ones who cannot do anything without their significant other.  Were you not an individual before you became a couple?  Why can’t you come out by yourself?  Will you combust into nothing if you step out by yourself?  It is not healthy to be with your other half all day, every day.  It is a great being able to share your life with someone.  It is wonderful if you find that person to compliment who you are as a person.  None of that means you have to give up your whole self to be a part of a couple.  Couples that will go the distance are the ones that understand the importance of balance in a relationship.

Everyone needs time to themselves or time with their own friends.  When you are married with kids, you need time for you, your husband, and your kids.  You cannot be a mom all the time and neglect yourself and your husband.  There has to be balance in a relationship, friendship, marriage, eating, working out, and anything you do in life.  Moderation and balance are the keys in life.

Tinder: Update 3

imageHow many times have you heard a man detest cats?  I am officially calling bullshit.  There are a lot of men on Tinder holding cats in their pictures.  The amount is kind of shocking.  It seems there are a lot of men who are closet cat lovers.  I also find it funny how many guys have puppies as their front picture or the guy holding the puppy.  It reminds me of the creepy guy with candy luring the kid into their van.  As if, women spread their legs for any dick with a puppy.  

Next, we have the men who think their best side is showing their imagepackages.  I do not care how big a guys dick is if he is a douche bag.  No dick is worth shit if he is an asshole.  How many women would sleep with a guy just because he has a big dick?  Is it the old beauty is only a light switch away idea or throw a brown paper bag over their head?  I do not like dick pix.  I look like the monkey emoji covering its eyes when I receive one.  Dicks, balls, vaginas, and assholes are not cute.image

There is a reason they are called private parts.  They need to stay private.  These guys are putting their hot dogs, bananas, or eggplants out on social media for everyone to see and screenshot.  This David guy is stating he wants something serious, but his picture states the opposite.  He is just writing fluff for what every typical broad wants to hear from a man.  The smart ones would see his big dick bullshit.  His dick also looks like it hooks a little.  Most broads do not want a crooked dick.  If we did want that, we would just sit on our thumbs and rotate.

image

Andrew thought this was his best side for the camera.  Ha.  Oh man.  Tinder is definitely good for some laughs.  It is also sad this is what women have to pick from in the single pond.  It is not very appealing.  Single is more appealing than subjecting yourself to one of these dickimage bags.  I know Tinder is not eHarmony, but it also is not Craigslist.  Tinder works with your Facebook account.  If you only wanted a fuck buddy or a booty call, you still need to treat the person like a human being and not a piece of meat.  A lot of guys and maybe broads too forget that little piece of the puzzle.  There is nothing wrong with just wanting someone to hook up with now and then.  Some people cannot commit to one person, have time for a relationship, or are ready to open themselves up for a relationship.  That does not make them bad people, but it also does not give them the right to degrade someone for sex.  We should all do our part in trying to keep whats between our legs a little classy and something to desire.

 

 

 

Tinder: Update 2

There are a few nice, normal guys on Tinder.  However, the majority seem to be assholes, creeps, pigs and douche bags.  imageimageWho are these women out there allowing these “men” to talk to them in such a degrading, disrespecting manner?!  My girlfriends and I clearly know that it will not be tolerated with us.  Yes, sometimes it is funny and sometimes it is rude.  Who raised these boys?  Why do they think first conversation means they can ask every detail of your sex life?  Who said we wanted to have sex with them?  Did they miss the lesson where we learned that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar? 

imageThese guys may be nice looking, but it does not mean we automatically want to sleep with them.  Swiping right is not the leg opener at least not for most women.  We like to take care of ourselves and our pikachus.  No one likes chipped ham or blown out tires down there.  I have not lost my “sex drive” since walking into the thirties club, but I am much more selective with who gets to water my flower bed.  I would rather go another nine months of no sex than sleep with a dog.  That is one reason I rescued a female puppy.  I hate the red rocket on male dogs.  There are enough creeps running around with their red rockets out that I did not want one in my house.

It truly amazes me that these “men” think talking to a broad like this will prosper them in any way.  They might as well put peanut butter on

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Eddie the Dickhole’s number please contact him if you’d like slutty sex

their dick and have their dog lick it off.  Because the majority of women are going to tell them to piss off.  The best part is I normally have no problem talking about sex hence this blog, but I do not owe you any details or truth if you are some random creep.  Eddie, the 26 year old creep, thought he could get all the details and names of who I slept with recently.  No sir, you are not privileged to that information.  Did he think coming at me with a tone was going to help sell his case of wanting to get his dick wet in my flower bed?  He asked if my friend I last slept with fucked me good.  I am pretty sure Eddie has more creepy crawlers in his crotch than worrying about my pristine Miss Lucy.  He can fuck off with his Section 8 dick.  

There may be people who do not like apple products.  However, the block feature on iPhone’s is the best thing since spanx.  Keep your head held high and your middle finger higher.  Bye Felicia.

 

Tinder: Update 1

imageI am really bad at remembering to message these guys back on Tinder.  I slightly suck at it.  I get called out for it too.  Whoops.  However, in my defense, some of these guys message me late at night during the week.  I have to let them know I am asleep by or before 10 o’clock during the week.  Late nights during the week are once in a blue moon now.  I am not old either.  I am seasoned.  I also know if I do not get enough sleep it better be for a good reason because I will be tired and cranky as all hell the following two days.  Ha.

This Devin guy uses emojis like it’s his job and he is getting paid for it.  I question if he is another gay straight man.  What happened to small talk?  This guy is taking it right to the altar.  I decided he was too cereal for me.  ::unmatched::

When did men become more desperate than women with an internal clock ticking away?  The majority of people  really do not like slapping a label on things right out the gate.  Where is the fun in that?  Most of us avoid that topic as long as we possibly can.  I cannot imagetake some of these guys seriously though.  This Daniel guy very well could have been joking.  However, he did say he really did like long walks on the beach.  What happened to the manly men?  Did gay straight men take over?  It is nice to walk on the beach with someone special to you, but I don’t want to hear how you love that and candle lit baths.  I would rather you not say anything to me, grab me up like a cavemen, throw me over your shoulder, throw me on the bed, and show me who is boss.  I do not want to sit around and talk about feelings with you or where our future is going.  If I wanted to do that, I would call one of my girlfriends or my gay best friends to come over for wine.

 

 

Tinder Experiment: Day 7 & 8

imageI was scrolling through my stack of men and a familiar face came up.  It was one of my good guy friends.  I obviously had to swipe right for him.  We knew it was fate.  HaHa.  It truly is funny that I have had a handful of people I knew or was friends with come up in my stack.  A little awkward for the guys I know, but I am not friends with them.  Awkward because I swiped left.  Sorry not sorry.

I was still struggling with which route I wanted to take with Arthur.  Friend path or more than friend path.  There were a lot of similarities to some of my ex boyfriends of regret past, especially Gary and Barry.  He did not seem like a bad guy at all.  He was a very cookie cutter type of guy.  Arthur made the comment he’s never been with a broad with a tongue ring.  He said he probably wouldn’t let me near his crotch.  I had a laugh at that since back in the day that was why most broads got their tongue pierced.  Tongues and metal rods on guys shafts supposedly does wonders for extreme hardening.  If he did not like the thought of a tongue ring, he would probably tell me I’m crazy when I asked him to choke me during sex.  Or he would hightail it out of my house.  ::pineapples bitch::  Arthur also referred to himself as a “pottery barn whore.”  He slightly reminded me of the gay straight man that was talked about on Sex and the City.  He was very nice, good looking, and had a great attitude.  I could see us being good friends though.

My exes Gary and Barry were both cookie cutter, short and bland in bed.  I don’t know what I want in a man, but I do know what I don’t want in a man.  I am too wild and love to color outside the lines.  Arthur and I were not going to work out as more than friends.  It reminded me of Chibs from Sons of Anarchy when he was banging the Sheriff Althea Jarry.  He told her that she was a cop and he was a criminal, so they cannot be scene walking hand in hand down the sidewalk.  Arthur and I were the same situation.  He knew I was writing about this on my blog.  I knew I had to tell him before I wrote about it.  That would be a real dick move if I did not tell him and just let him find out on here.  I am a compassionate and honest person, so I asked him if it was possible for us to be just friends and I explained how I was feeling about it.  I truly wanted to be friends with him and thought I was very kind with how I laid it out there.  He responded to me with, “That’s fine.”  That is not an ideal two word response.  I have tried to message him since and nothing.  We did not even kiss and Arthur was that salty.  Maybe it was a good thing I ended it before it started.  I didn’t want to end up like the movie ‘Safe Haven.’  Ha.

(side note:  After this post, I am just going to do updates on the experiment.  The days are stating to blend together.)

 

Tinder Experiment: Day 5 & 6

There are a lot of younger 20 something guys on Tinder who like themselves an older broad.  I ain’t hating because I’m the older broad.  My last ex boyfriend was seven years younger than me.  A lot of people had something to say about it.  What is that one saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks?”  That may be very true, but you can train a puppy with treats and a newspaper.  I’m just saying.  This cougar has claws now.  Watch out little young pups.  ::wink wink:: 

One of the young studs asked for my snapchat name.  I obliged with his request.  He sends me a lot of shirtless pictures.  I ain’t mad about it.  He is studying to become a firefighter.  We all know how I love a guy in uniform who knows how to use a hose.

imageDay 6 happened to fall on Valentines Day.  I usually loathe that day for many reasons even when I have been in a relationship.  This year was different.  I hadimage friends over my house to play corn hole and beer pong.  I was telling my buddies about my Tinder experiences.  Arthur came up.  My guy friends were not keen on the fact that he was in law enforcement.  Some of us may or may not partake in illegal activities.  ::smiles with halo over head::  

I spent a little more time with Arthur.  I was still on the fence with how I felt about him.  There was something holding me back from doing anything with him besides giving a hug.  I wanted to figure out what that something was before I went any further with him.