I have had five serious relationships.  Out of those five guys, three of them told me they loved me.  I said I loved them too.  The problem was I did not know what love was in life.  I thought you were supposed to say it back.  In those three relationships, it was not love.

Gary said he loved me.  Love does not mean you lie to a person.  Love does not mean you lie to others about your significant other.  Love does not mean you leave bruises on your girlfriend.  None of those scream “I love you.”  Those actually say the complete opposite.  He never listened to me.  A great example of that was when I told him I wanted a kitten.  I told him I wanted a fluffy tailed, fancy feast kitten.  He brought home a one year old, short-haired Manx with a nub as a tail.  It was the complete opposite of what I wanted as a pet.  My best girl friends and I still laugh about that to this day.  I look back at that relationship and think why on God’s green earth did I stay with him for two years.  He did not love me and the sex was bad.  I was young and dumb.

Barry said he loved me.  He cheated on me multiple times and lied to me so many times I lost count.  The worst part is I caught him cheating three times.  I still stayed with him.  I had put on weight for the first time in my life.  I weighed 112 pounds since I graduated high school until 2010 when we were dating.  I was depressed.  I needed someone who actually loved me.  Instead, this point me deeper in the hole.  The fourth time I caught him cheating and lying to me was different.  I broke up with him.  I was sick of feeling worthless.  I was better than that.  I deserved better than him.  I had one glory story to take away from that relationship.  We were at our local water hole one evening.  He was telling a “N” word joke to his friends in front of me.  He knew how much I hated that word.  I asked him if he would still tell that joke if any one of my black friends were standing there with us.  His answer was no.  I said that is what makes it wrong.  He had us go outside to finish our argument.  He called me a cunt and told me to shut the fuck up.  I upper cut punched him in the lower stomach.  He turned to run and threw up.  The movie ‘Semi Pro’ was right.  If you get punched in the lower jejunum, it does cause you to throw up.  He then ran home like Forest Gump.

The third guy was Jerry.  I will talk about him another time.  That relationship was its own bowl of Trix cereal.

Men and women should not stay in toxic relationships.  They should run when someone says they love them, but their actions say otherwise.  If you get physical with your significant other, that is not love.  The police getting involved in your relationship is not love.  Love is not hitting your girlfriend/boyfriend with your car not once but twice.  Love should not physically hurt you.  Sex is just sex.  Sex does not mean you love someone.  When the negatives out weigh the positives, that is not love.  You should be smiling more than you are crying.  You should be hugging more than fighting.  No relationship will ever be perfect because no human being is perfect.  Relationships do require some work, but it should not be fighting an uphill battle all the time.  Love is trust.  Love is being able to openly communicate with someone.  Love should make you feel like you are floating in the clouds.

My past relationships have made me jaded towards men.  I know I should not let that hold me back from meeting new men, but I love me more.  I do not want to be beat down by some guy who does not deserve the time of day from me.  There are many reasons why I am not dying to be married.  There are plenty of reasons why I do not want to be in a relationship at all.  My heart is under lock and key.  It is hidden by very high concrete walls.  Maybe one day, a man worthy of my heart will break down those walls.  He could find the key to unlock my heart.  Until that day, I am happy with myself.  It is a wonderful feeling.  You do not need a significant other to be happy in life.  You only need to love yourself and be happy with who you are as a person.  The rest is out of your hands.